Thursday, November 18, 2010

If You Only Knew

She wanted to go home to celebrate her birthday with family. I was adamant that she should celebrate it in the hostel with her friends. With her best friend. Me.

I was confused thinking about the right gift for her from many days. She was my good friend and how could I ever repay her and let her know how special she was to me. Birthdays are the perfect time to express love and friendship and let one know how important that one is.

Greeting card? Chocolates? Trendy anklets? Branded watch? Teddy bear? Plaster of Paris show piece? Parker pen? …………

Finally I zeroed in on chocolates. I bought a gift for her many weeks in advance and waited more than her for her birthday to approach. She has a sweet tooth…just absolutely adores everything sweet and chocolaty! I went to the Forum mall where I know a shop which sells candies, confectionaries and chocolates exclusively. An ultimate place not to be missed by any choco-lover! I selected the best assorted foreign chocolates in all flavours- choco with rum, raisins, almonds, orange, strawberry, melon, tooty-fruity....

Finally it was the day of her birthday. With the gift of chocolate pack, I attended her birthday bash. She was cutting the cake. I went near her expecting I would be the first person to get a bite from her cake as normally best friend gets that chance. I stopped in midway shocked that she was feeding another two girls the first piece of cake. She made a new best friend and completely ignored me which broke my heart! Everyone who thought we were best pals were surprised too and wondered what went wrong between us. I was embarrassed and just fiddled with my cell camera pretending to click photos of them and acted as if I am very cool with this unexpected new development. A shocking twist in the tale it was!

I didn’t feel like staying through the rest of the party. This new development was not sudden, I admit. It was right there in front of my eyes, but I failed to see it would be this harsh on the face. Of late our friendship was going through a rough phase that I should have foreseen it. But completely ignoring me was too inconsiderate and callous on her part. I would have never done that even to my worst of enemies.

The gift of chocolates with its shiny wrapper lay in my hands. Waiting to be given and to be received. I clutched it tight unable to find a way to wade through the crowd and give it to her. She was the cynosure in the party hall, dancing, laughing loud and having the best time in the world with her new friends. That’s right also. It was her birthday and she was supposed to be happy. And I was wrong to take things for granted and not trying hard enough to not let her go. I was wrong to be jealous that she found new friends. Maybe I couldn’t make her happy. Maybe I couldn’t be what she expected from her friend. Maybe…

I called her on her mobile to wish even though I was a few feet away from her. She received it coldly as if I was some stranger. That’s what I am now to her –a no-one, just another random person she came across.I walked out of the party.

I threw the gift on the way into a trash bin. It was useless when she wouldn’t acknowledge with how much love I brought it to her. How unlucky was my gift that it couldn’t accomplish its intended destination!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone

*Purely fictional*

The thought of moving into a bigger city leaving behind my best friend scared me. I thought I would be alone all left to myself. Soon I was lucky enough to find one.

She became my new good friend in the new city. I had someone to talk to and laugh along with. Someone with whom I can catch up a weekend movie and relax in a fast food joint. Someone to share my secrets and and do the usual girl gossip. Everything was going fine but then some turn of events made misunderstandings to crop up in between us. Maybe it was her mistake or maybe it was mine, but nothing can revert back our friendship like the way it used to be before.

I admit I was less caring. I couldn’t give everything she was looking for in a friend. I wasn’t there for her when she needed me. I didn’t indulge too much into her personal life. I thought I knew where to draw a line. I thought that’s what people want and appreciate-privacy. If she went out somewhere alone, I didn’t bother to ask her where and why. I respected her privacy and didn’t go knocking on the doors of her private life.

One day this third girl came along between us. She was the poky type….the one who pokes nose into other’s matters and digs in personal information. My friend thought that’s a trait to be a caring friend- to enquire into personal life. She would knock on the doors of her private space until she opened. They would gossip on and she would pour out every detail to her which I didn’t bother to know about. What she found as a caring nature I found it as an intrusion. Slowly their frequencies matched, they clicked on well.

I had faults. But even she did. If it wasn’t for my take-it-easy nature, I would never have forgiven the way she used to insult and hurt me in front of everyone wittingly or unwittingly. Or how she wouldn’t let go one little chance to poke fun on me and make me the target of her jokes.

With this third girl, we became a threesome. This third girl brought in another girl into our pack and yeah we had a fourth girl also in the picture. I was jealous. It used to be great before….just we both and we would hit the city on weekend and would have a great time. But with this pack thing, I had a difficulty moving along with them. My frequency didn’t match with them and I was the odd one out. They would laugh at a joke which I thought was very silly and keep wondering if I am dumb to understand wise jokes. The things which were funny to me weren’t to them, and they would keep a weird look on their faces wondering why I found that actually funny. I would remain silent in the pack and they conveniently ignored me as if I wasn’t present physically among them. Even if I was lost on the way, trying hard to catch up with their fast pace, they wouldn’t have bothered to stop and look for me. That’s what happened later. I was lost. I wandered onto a different road and found myself all alone.

Suddenly I was not the first person whom she would call up first to share excitedly any good news. Nor was I the person, she considered apt to discuss her sorrows to be consoled. I wasn’t the person she thought to be fit enough to be in her pack to hit the city on weekends. Nor was I the person she and her pack bothered to call along to join them for lunch and dinner in the mess. I wasn’t the person who had a chance to get the first bite from her birthday cake….the piece normally reserved for a best friend. Nor I was I the person she counted among her friends deserving her birthday treat at Mc Donalds. I wasn’t the person with whom she would sit next to in the bus. Before I would keep a seat for her and we both would enjoy the morning bus ride together listening to music. Nor was I given the special embroidered suits of which he hometown was famous for. She promised she would get them to me, back when we were just two and good friends.

I want to tell her that I am sorry if I did a mistake. I want the misunderstandings to evaporate. I want her back on talking terms where we would go on talking because we really wanted to and not because saying ‘hi, hello’ and exchanging pleasantries is a formality.

I wish I could turn back time. She moved on with her new found friends and doesn’t need me anymore. I still miss her. Alas, nothing can repair our tattered relationship gone disarrayed beyond anyone can repair.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010


Running with echoing footsteps
on my terrace
flying paper kites colourful and bright

Watching my kite conquering the sky
splattered with clouds
soaring with birds taking flight

I felt bitter sweet nostalgia gripping me
going down the memory lane
Reminiscing childhood days
when I've flown kites and paper plane

I wish I were a kite
escalating to heights
creating rungs to the sky
chasing unfulfilled dreams
eyes with leaping imagination
discovering new lands
across the unknown boundaries
challenging the gusting winds
unceasing to ensuing predicaments

I'm at awe, at how just a bit of paper
grows wings and transcends horizons
while I'm here grounded for life
yet to sprout roots underneath

I wish I were a kite
with wisdom controlling my chaotic sanity
like the string monitoring the kite
from running amuck

Monday, November 1, 2010

Windowless Soul

Pressure at work?
Betrayed in love?
No reebok shoes?

Unnerving exams?
Lost in contest?
Unpaid dues?

You think you’re the only one in misery
That God doesn’t answer to your plea
Well, he doesn’t answer to my simple query--
I ask him how different is blue from green?
The rainbow colours unheard and unseen

And why they say spring is so colourful?
That poets, lovers, artists muse and cherish
I want to rhyme, kiss and paint dreams on canvas
Unmotivated, I ink about a dreary life, an unfulfilled wish
As my mind is trapped, God forgot to create windows
Canopied from inspiration and beautiful visions to relish

The ocean waves kissing the shore
Is it a sight worth dying for?
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder how you are!
In my mind’s eye, I do imagine, the ocean and the night
But am I doing justice to its beauty by envisioning it right?

Acknowledging the world by feel and touch
I feel the warmth of a loved one’s hug and cuddle
The velvet petal’s silkiness they call a daffodil
Walking barefoot on grassblades the dewdrop’s tickle

Mirror, mirror on the wall, tell me do I look like a doll?
They say that I look so pretty…
Do they really mean it or say just to keep me happy?
I don’t understand how different beauty is from lack of it
That butterfly be admired, and caterpillar be trampled?
Is a rose so aesthetically different from a thorn?

They say my twinkling innocent eyes
glimmer like molten gold
Oh but of what use? Lifeless vestiges,

numbed to the perceptions of the outside world

Blind love

The only colour I know is black
They say grass is green, sky is blue
You should tell me…is it really true?

I hear the ringing innocent laughter of a child, oh so pure!
Is his smile genuine reaching eyes? I wonder
I smell the lingering fragrance of newly drenched earth
And wish to witness the sky pouring out silver shower
I hear the melody and tune of the humming bird
And wish to see it sucking nectar out of perfumed flower

Trapped in a murky dark inferno
I close my eyes, all I see is stygian black
I open my eyes, I still see shades of the same
Keeping my four senses open,
With every step I take, venturing into the mysterious
Being beware of the ensuing hurdles,
Foraying into chasm of obscure shadows
I tripped, I was knocked, I was hurt and hit,
I bled to sanguine liquid drops they called blood

And you say you’re the only one in misery?
That god was unfair to you?
Yes, you are not as gifted as I am!
I’m spared to see the aversion mounting among mankind
Where the innocence of a child is stripped and cashed.
Reverence, candour, integrity --the words of yesterday
Kindness, compassion, civility --the virtues of history

What’s left in the world to see?
Deteriorating values and ethics of humanity?
Fraud and deception taking over fairness in quality?
Discrimination and discord wiping out unity?

Behind money and fame, on a wild goose chase
To appreciate small joys you don’t slow your pace
The rose, sky, butterflies and sun rays

A person’s negativity over his goodness is all that you see
I pity you! That way, pretty rotten place the world would be
You think you’re the only one in misery?
That God doesn’t answer to your plea?

Yes how true!

Friday, October 15, 2010

What went wrong?

I couldn’t sleep last night, now that I know it is over between us. I was clinging onto a tiny hope till yesterday, that maybe things can become normal between us.The way they were meant to be. But if you want me to walk out of the door, I will happily do that. I still can’t make out what went wrong between us. Everything was so perfect. And you gave me a reason to live. I was so sure that you were the one for me. But suddenly…

I am not bitter anymore because I know what we had was for real. And if in some distant place in future, we see each other in our new lives, I will smile to you with joy and remember all the good time we spent with each other. We laughed, cried, loved, and above all we connected. You were the one with whom I could speak my mind with no inhibitions, without the fear of being judged. You were so approachable and understanding. We shared identical interests and you were the one with whom I could discuss leisurely on the couch about anything under the sun….our favourite football player, our favourite band or anything silly or serious. Life has become so tough without you.

I miss the jokes we cracked and laughed staying up all throughout the night, wishing the day would never come. I miss the endless marathon conversations we had in phone. I miss listening to you strumming the guitar for me and singing love songs.

Everything reminds me of you. Walking on the street I see our favourite fast food joint, our favourite movie theatre, the park we frequented. I see the penthouse with garden and picket fence we planned of buying and decorating the home of dreams. I see the big tree with blossoms under which we had our first kiss …which is now barren and stripped in the autumn. I see a kid with balloons and get reminded of how you would always bought balloons and kites for me. And how we ran to get my kite flying in the air which refused to go more than few feet from the ground. I could revisit my childhood with you. I see the lane on which you taught me to ride your bike. You were so protective that you would never let me go and ride on my own. You were always there to catch me if I fell. Where are you now?

I know you would intentionally lose in the game of basketball when we played together, even if you were on the winning side, just to see me happy.

The diamond ring that you gave when you proposed me, still adorns my finger. It was so sweet of you to spend all the money you were saving for buying your favourite sports bike for the ring instead.

Though you boast that you are so macho and never cry for anything at all, on that day I saw you shed tears, muffling your cries under the pillow, when I was critical in the hospital after meeting with an accident.

Did I tell you that I knew you substituted the dead goldfish in my aquarium with new ones? You knew I would be upset as those poor things died just because I didn’t know how to feed them right. You substituted them with new gold fish from the pet shop while I was sleeping, thinking that I would never discover the change.

Every Sunday we would go trekking so far that I would be so tired walking. You would carry me and I would snuggle cosily wishing to be nowhere else but here, surrounded by your gentle arms.

I see our old photo album everyday. Those moments captured when we had genuine smiles on our lips. We knew what happiness meant. It was so tangible and we owned it. For how long do I recall you from a still photo? Last night, I wanted to dream about you, but I couldn’t imagine your face. With passing days, your face seems strange to me. I am beginning to fear I will forget you. Your image and voice is fading from my mind. I am forgetting the pain you inflicted on me by deserting me suddenly. I don’t want my heart to heal from the pain you caused me. It is the only reminder of you that I have with me.

You never told me what went wrong. You didn’t give me a second chance to mend my mistake, if I ever did. No explanations…no answers…out of the blue you wanted me to walk out of your life. Just like that.

Walking on the street, I listen to a distant unfamiliar ringing sound. The resonance of laughter from a couple who are in new found love. The sound seems so alien and strange to me. I have forgotten to laugh. I see no reason in it. I am lost without you.

I want you to be happy with the life you’ve chosen for yourself. It hurts that I am not a part of it. I breathe you out of my heart and pray for the strength to stand strong without you in my life. I will always be grateful to you, for being my confidant, my friend, my lover, my soul mate. I wish you find someone better than me, who will keep you happy forever and will sustain your interest throughout.

I just have one small request.

Please don’t break her heart.

DISCLAIMER:  It is just a narrative interspersed with fiction and imagination but I have tried to write it in the first person perspective.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Frozen Desires

I am so happy!

Today has to be the happiest day in my life. The below zero temperature outside with breezing snow is so contrary to my present mood- so bright, brimming with happiness as warm as summer sunshine. Today I shall reveal my feelings to him. Now or never, I decide. For how long do I hesitate fearing his reaction? I am sure he will respond positively. My gut intuition never lets me down. I can see it in his every gesture, the very way he looks at me longingly, speaks volumes about how much he adores me. But yes, I know he is shy to propose. Just like me. But I shall make things easier for us.

Fresh roses! Bright red! I stop near the florist and buy roses. Roses have so rightly been symbolic of budding love for long. The beauty of the petals standing for the splendour of charming love. The thorns standing for the difficulties one has to face through to succeed in love. I can smell the pervasive fragrance of love in the air. Yes today is the day! What is it with love? Everything feels so poetic and beautiful- like the white specks of falling snow dotted against the red backdrop of the rose.

After one whole year of silently and secretly admiring him, the secret can no longer be contained in my heart. Love just one thing? No, love is to show, to express, to spread, to feel, to reciprocate!

I invite him for dinner to my place. The flickering fire burning in the fireplace makes the room very warm and cosy. He catches the look of delight in my twinkling eyes. He feels the electricity in the air… expecting something that will prove to be the biggest moment of our lives.
What is it with love? Can you read each other’s minds? As if there’s an invisible bond connecting our hearts. Thinking alike and feeling in unison…

The roses wait to be given and to be received…to be held testimony of our love. Relaxing, on the sofa, by the fireplace and watching the fire dancing brightly he says, ‘Today is the best day in my life dear!’

How right I was that our love was a mutual feeling!

‘Yes! Mine too!’ I say

‘I am glad you feel happy for me.’

‘I feel happy for us

‘I waited for one whole year. Never got this chance.’

‘What? One year? You too?’

‘And finally Rachael agreed to marry me!'

‘Oh? I am happy for you. Truly!’

‘She has made me a happy man! I will leave now. Thanks for the lovely dinner’

I see his silhouette fading away with the growing distance, and try hard to fight back my tears. He for even once doesn't glance back. Love just one thing? No it is to hide, to sacrifice, to conceal, to forgo, to hurt!

The flames in the fireplace dampen long after he leaves, but the ashes keep burning…just like my fiery hot tears that stream down my cheeks. I throw the rose out of the window into the harsh wintry snow. It lays there, ignored, frozen in the chill, and piled below the sheets of ice and snow.

Whom could I blame? I kept listening to whatever he didn't utter. Without any reason I weaved high hopes. I presumed his unvoiced feelings. I took his love to be granted, conjuring love out of thin air, when it really didn’t exist.

Weeks fly by. Seasons change. Nothing is temporary.

The ice melts and the first rays of spring sunshine streak through the dried, barren stems of the trees, and touch the ground. As the layers of snow disappear one-by-one, I see my rose wilted and withered ashen brown.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Delusional Love

Please go away from my life. Since the moment I met you, I’ve been obsessed day and night about your thoughts. If I didn’t meet you, I would have been so sure about my future plans….going abroad and finding a new world and career that I always dreamt of. But then those career aspirations got replaced and gave way to your infatuated dreams from the day I met you. Suddenly you took priority over my career plans. I was so sure about my calling…about what I would do with my life. After you came my crystal clear goals vapourised into haze. My dream crashed headlong before it could take wings and soar high in the sky. I dropped my one and only chance of flying abroad and making my dreams true…but for what..? only for my love to be insulted and dismissed as a silly crush by you later. I waited in vain. You ridiculed the fervent love I possessed and said it would fade away. I stayed back, lost my chance and lost you too. A complete loser in life.

I call you, but you always reply that you are in traffic. We both know, that I know that you lied. Such a flimsy excuse? Nowadays you are not even bothering to devise clever excuses and that I would find out your excuses stupid and baseless. Even if I am hurt by your lies, it doesn’t matter to you anymore right? At first, whenever I called you, you would say that you could never be busy for me even if you were immersed in heaps of workload.

Whatever did I do wrong to lose you? Or did I ever have you to lose you?

I can’t blame you though. I am a no-one to you- no less than a faceless stranger. I know it is not right to pin hopes on a stranger. I know everything but still I pretend to be unaware of the obvious. It’s plain and simple. 4 straightforward words- ‘you don’t like me’ or better still are these 3 words ‘you hate me’ …but I want to turn a blind eye towards the conspicuous. I don’t want to acknowledge the truth and stay happy in the false world and castle of dreams I spin and weave of you. I want to hold onto the thought that everything is fine when it is not. I make myself believe that yes you are really stuck in traffic and keep waiting for you to call back which we both know would never come. Oh now maybe your network is busy or you ran out of balance…anything but the truth I say to myself to convince me than to accept the fact that you are avoiding me.

You may have your own reasons to avoid me. You may be right in not showing any interest towards me, but I will still be hooked on to you. Whatever happened to my self-respect? It is biting dust with everytime me wagging my tail like a desperate lovelorn puppy waiting for you to reciprocate.

When someone asks me if I am in relationship, I don’t know what to answer. Not that we are officially lovers but still I would be happy if I could confidently say about you. It leaves me sad when your name runs in my memory, it almost comes to my lips but I have to ultimately say ‘no’.

Aren’t you and me together? Tell me. I already know your reply. Reality hits hard. So I have built a virtual world where reality is obscured by delusional fantasies. I will satisfy myself with false expectations. I just can’t take no for an answer. It is too painful.

I can’t see my another dream crashing headlong like a flightless bird. It will take time for me to accept that is over. One fine day I might come into terms with reality. I will completely erase you from my memory and move on.

Until then…

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Guardian angel

Inferno it was, dark and desolate
far removed, in the deserted underground

Faceless strangers were my friends
And were the only ones I relied upon

Buried in the hell, stifled I became...
Crawled towards the glimmer of light
A speck of hope at the very far end of the tunnel...

But couldn't see its direction, blinded that I was,
that eventually into the real world could liberate
from the shackles and boundaries of underground hell

Pleaded the passer-bys for guiding me to light
to the so-called friends of mine
Searched and screamed till my lungs ached
at the crest of my voice.
They refused to recognize me
labelled me as a stranger...

Pined for love, a touch ,a soothing word
Longed for a reassuring hand and for a 'real' friend

The friends I believed in, were far from me
Never could they hear me,
nor to my screams and cries of desperate help.

Screamed till I lost my voice.
Cried till my eyes were sore,
But never could they hear me...

Strings were suspended from above
And I was pulled towards the ray of light
Accustomed to darkness my eyes couldn't tolerate

the brightness of the outside world.
When I opened my eyes,
I was mesmerised to see the
beauty of the 'real ' world.
I was mesmerised to see her...

My saviour...

My guardian angel...

My best friend..

To Reeha- my best friend.For being my window into inspiration, joy and support when I was locked in a dungeon of utter hopeless moments and dejection.

Happy friendship day dear

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Discovering The Oasis Of Dreams

The sun emanated heat mercilessly that reflected from the vitreous sand of the desert.The vast expanse of barren terrain stretched in all four directions till the horizon.

The sky was bright reddish orange blazing like a furnace. I shielded my face and body from the roasting fire with my hands but there was no escape from the sun rays which pervaded ominously. There was no shade anywhere in sight. Not even one faint streak of green till my eyes could gaze.

I was wandering barefoot beyond and forth in search of my dream destination- the oasis of life.

My legs quivered with fatigue. My lips parched and throat dried with thirst. The intensity of the heat burnt me up firing and twinging my skin and sucked up water dehydrating me. It felt as if someone was poking my throat down till the chest with a fiery fork.

The air felt papery thin and light in the heat and couldn't fill my breath. I had to take gulps of it from my mouth too, and though how much ever I sucked in with my laborious breaths, I felt dizzy and light-headed.
The gust of wind baked my airways as I inhaled.There was a tinge of blanched redness that coloured my skin. My sandpaper tongue stuck to the dried pallet and teeth.

My feet seeped in the heaps of sand, and it was very tiresome striding in the sinking sand. The soles of my feet were blazing in fire.

My thoughts were muddled. I could see wild imagery of sparkling water of oasis dancing in front of my eyes.The oasis- my dream destination. It disappeared the next second and reappeared again.

I couldn't distinguish reality from visions and mirages played hide and seek with me every moment deceiving my perceptions and tricking my every step farther away into the deadness of the land.

I wanted to howl and cry but the tears never came from my dry eyes.

I wanted to scream at the crest of my voice but only faint shrills came from my dry throat.

My heart was slowing down, the beats now only faintly audible and weak. I fell face down on the sand.

But in my innate heart I was happy- happy that finally I could have made it to my destination of oasis if I wanted to.

But you know what...I didn't want to. I decided not to proceed towards that oasis to check whether it really existed or that my eyes were just deceiving me. Perhaps I was afraid to find out the truth. I was afraid to bear the heart breaking disappointment I would have to go through after learning that the dream destination which was a part-and-parcel of my night's dreams, was actually just as barren and dry like the rest of the desert.

May be it would not have been a desert.Possibilities are there that it could have been an oasis- an oasis of life, of hope, of fresh spring and greenery right in the heart of the dry lifeless desert.

Sure I would have missed a lot by deciding not to venture there and confirming my doubts. May be the oasis would have given me a new life, being a quenching answer for my parching thirst.

But what if it was just like the rest of the desert? All the dreams I have spun for six years, thinking that, 'yes one day I will find my oasis , and then I will no longer have to suffer the drudgery of the desert' would shatter like a thin pane of glass in split seconds. How could I live through my shattered dream?- the very dream which is making me live in the first place...

So my dream destination was just a stone's throw away from me and I died a happy death in the belief that I succeeded.I could have actually walked there and drank the water from the oasis and lived, but I decided otherwise.

It was better to die happy in a false faith that there existed my destination right there at my reach and I've succeeded in my journey...than to have had discovered that my laborious efforts had bit the dust and that my journey set out to find my dream destination never actually existed.

Some dreams are meant only to be dreamt. In reality there are quite different from the virtual images you've created. Don't make an effort to make them true. It would be shocking to discover the truth that they don't stand up to the fancy image you've painted. Better just be satisfied in your dreams.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Random thoughts -2

At this point of time I feel so insecure. The future is all bleak. I'm so scared about what tomorrow might bring to my life.

Is it wrong to dream and to wish? And it pinches so hard in the heart if the dreams don't come true. More so when you know you will suffocate doing something you don't like, being among people you connect to the least. And then there's something you love doing from all your heart, but the dream is almost impossible to achieve...

It wouldn't atleast hurt so bad if god didn't give the ability to imagine....the ability to dream.

But then again I think I can atleast be satisfied in my dreams momentarily...even though it is far-fetched from reality. It is my only hope...the only bright streak of light at the end of the dark tunnel.

Without dreams my life would be so boring , without any anticipation of what tomorrow would hold for me. I would lead my life, each day being the same as if I've already lived my entire life in this 20 years till the very end, just passing time to meet my end, seen everything already... my days without fun, pleasure and hope. What is the point of living such an uneventful monotonous life when each day is just the same?

Atleast in my wildest imagination, of which I have a control over, I can wish for my dreams to come true and spin a dreamy web of thoughts in my mind's eye and live with a hope that one day my life will become like how I want it to be. God might not fulfil my wishes, but he can't claim my dreams and imaginations right?

So I am happy I can atleast dream of a fun life. My dreams and wishes sustain me.They give me a chance to be everything I ever wanted to be, giving everything I ever wanted to have.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

From The Oops Files!

1) That day we were in pharmacology lab doing practicals on frogs. There were dusshera holidays from the next day and we all hostelers were excited to catch a bus and go home after a long time. But the frog experiments usually take a long time and extend even till night :(

No matter whatever excuses we would give to our lecturer to leave the lab early, he would flatly deny it.

My lecturer got engaged recently then. Disappointed that he was not allowing us to call it a day until we showed the results and that the last bus for the day would be leaving soon I thought of lying to him saying that I got engaged and my fiance was waiting outside the college for me. The fiance plan out of all because he was about to tie a wedlock in future and would better relate to my pining eagerness to meet the fiance. Clever , ain't I? Yeah, thank you thank you I know I had a very witty plan !

Oh well, he gave special permission just for me to leave early and boy I was so excited to go home and eat food meant for humans after so many months!

Now no brownie points for guessing this:-

I forgot about that petty lie, but he remembered it so well even after 6 months. During the parent-teachers meet, before my dad he said, "So Aparna, I couldn't get to meet your fiance that day. When are you getting married?"


My dad was shocked!

2) There was just 1 week left for 10th boards and my parents made sure that I literally lived an infernal life. They put a lot of pressure on me and imposed so many restrictions-- no T.V, no internet, no reading novels and comics, no meeting with friends, no text messaging friends etc. I would get punishments from my mom if I didn't stick to the study schedule she designed for me(sigh!).

My parents would visit the temple and pray that I perform well, every evening before exams. They would hide the T.V remote. But little did they know that clever Aparna just knows the secret place too well where mom usually hides things- in the kitchen rack! I had a hell good time watching TV whenever my parents went out.

One fateful evening when they went out, I dozed off on the couch with the TV switched on.

My parents returned from the temple and caught me red-handed.


My mom was very cross at me. It is my belief that if she wishes me 'all the best' before the exam I will fare well. I broke rules and the next day she didn't wish me for the exam and till today I attribute my poor marks in maths for her not wishing me rather than my watching T.V before the exam.

3) It was 10 in the night and the mess food was unpalatable, so we thought of eating out. My friend and I, dressed up well, like hot chicks and thought to have a good time at a posh restaurant. We spent extra time in getting ready and looking good.

Even the waiters at the fast food joint were so handsome!

The smart cashier at the cash counter caught my interest and I had an instant crush on him. We went to him and asked for the menu. My friend spent a lot of time in deciding the order, and I was devising ways to approach him for a small talk. Finally my friend ordered so many dishes for us. Boy were we very hungry! He took the order and asked to pay Rs.700.

Me: Ya, what are you looking at? Open your purse...

Her: What!!?? I thought you brought it along with you!


We were clueless as to what to do next. I had a doubt whether my friend dropped the purse on the way cash and credit card and hers were in it. She is very forgetful. On top of it, this waiter who once felt smart and cute to me, didn't let us go and started demanding money in a harsh way that he can't cancel the order once it is entered in his computer.

It was so embarrassing and everyone were staring at us. We argued with him that he has to respect customers. We just blurted out whatever came to our minds, without thinking and the trick was to shout louder than him, at the crest of our voices to silence him. Finally we won as it was two voices against one and he let us go. I went pink with embarrassment as I didn't encounter such an incident that too in an up-society food joint and on top of that my crush insulted me! :(

We went back to our hostel without eating, and by the time we reached, the mess food was also finished. I slept on an empty stomach and with a broken heart :(

4) Once I and my friend returned very late to the hostel after shopping. We have strict rules that by 10' o clock the doors would be closed. It was 11.30 P.M. While we were in the shop we were unbothered about it, thinking we will plead warden and somehow get in. But we didn't have the guts to confront her while we stood at the gates. She would make a fuss by informing parents and impose restrictions for going out. It was a cold winter day and we were freezing outside. I wanted nothing more than sleeping on my cozy bed right then.

We finally decided to jump the tall and majestic gate. The gate keeper was away and we had to do it quick.I left my shoes and the shopping bags down and with my athletic skills climbed the gate and jumped to the other side. My friend threw my bags and shoes over the gate to me. She followed suit and left her stuff and shoes and climbed off the gate. With much difficulty, and scratches here and there and with a torn off dress she managed to climb to the other side of the gate, but then she realized that she did a stupid thing and there was no one to throw her shoes and bags to us.

We didn't have the strength to climb again and recover the bags also. So we silently crept to our beds and thought to take her stuff the next morning. But the next day her stuff went missing.


All her expensive dresses and books she purchased and her shoes....just went poof!

We couldn't complain to our warden also because with that she would know that we jumped the hostel gates which was according to her the biggest crime.

5) My dad brought 3 tooth brushes. Red for me, blue for my sister and yellow for my mother.

One day I went to the wash room and noticed that my tooth brush was wet even before I used it. I had a doubt that my sister got confused and used mine, so I went to ask her.

Me: Sis, did you use the red tooth brush? That is mine. Yours is blue or something right?
Sister: What? No...all these days I've been using red. Yours is yellow... I am sure.


My mom: What!!?? Red is mine!! I've been using it all these days. You girls got confused.


6) Once I was very angry on my sister for some reason. I wanted to take revenge on her. I added salt in her home delivered favourite veg sandwich which she ordered

The next day, at school's lunch break, being hungry I opened my lunch box. My heart sank after I ate a salty sandwich and spitted it out! I realized my mom being unwell couldn't cook anything and packed the same salty sandwich for my lunch.


7) My cousin used to not allow me into my washroom.I was a kid then. She would store lots of expensive lotions and beauty products in the wash room cupboard. One day I sneaked in while she was away. I took some products and kept them hidden, tied in a towel. Congratulating myself on my small victory I went to the terrace and applied the cream on my face. Very happy with myself I was about to hide them under the staircase.Just then I bumped into my cousin coming down the steps and the lotions from the towel fell down right in front of her !


It seems there were creams for eczema!!


8) It was August-time for juniors to join college. We were final year students then and went to rag some new-looking timid faces and take a pay back because we too were ragged by our seniors. The tradition and legacy has to continue right?

We told one girl to count the number of coconut trees in the campus and give us the answer in half-an-hour.

She turned out to be M.pharm first year....that means she was our senior!!


I counted 43 coconut trees in half-an-hour :(

9) As I am very kind, I decided to give proxy to my friend who bunked the class to catch up with a new flick. My absent friend got attendance that day.

When my number was called, the lecturer noticed me answering the roll-call twice


He told me to butt out of the class and marked me absent :(

Monday, July 5, 2010

The cauliflower thieves

I along with my mom, cousin and her family went to visit a Shiva temple in the outskirts of Bangalore. The countryside was so picturesque with lush green fields fresh with bountiful produce of vegetables and flowers. It was like a scene right out of farmville, only that this was for real.

We prayed fervently to God to bestow upon us virtues and keep us healthy, happy and prosperous. I went to the extent of writing series of letters full of demands and wish-list, folded it and kept it in God's chamber so that he will read it later and grant my wishes:)

The shiva idol was so majestic and divine that it commanded full faith and devotion even from me who usually claims to be an agnostic. He mesmerised me with his charisma.

After visiting the deity, we were walking along the fields towards our car. The fresh and voluminous cauliflowers on the field tempted us. The farmer was away and there was no one in sight so that we could buy them right from the field.

All our prayers to God to confer us with pure thoughts and behaviour went futile and we shamelessly pounced on the fields and plucked two cauliflowers...that too after visiting a pious temple to erase away our sins.

We all worked like a team of skillful and expert robbers. I and my cousin plucked cauliflowers from the wet soil, my mother took it from us and removed the leaves and roots, my uncle wiped away the soil, and my aunt kept the car doors open and pushed us inside as soon as the work was done and drove away so that we could escape fast.

We thought the next time we would come by these fields we should keep a knife handy in the car to cut and uproot vegetables easily and bring along lots of bags and later sell them at double the price in markets. At this rate we team of expert thieves can loot even a bank ! It is sad that right now we are just cauliflower thieves.

I am sure right now you must be cursing us and thinking that it is because of unscrupulous people like us farmers are suffering losses and committing suicides. But hey it was just two cauliflowers !

Maybe by the next time we go there, the farmer would be extra vigilant, and construct electric fences, laser alarms and sirens !

We were so thrilled with our shameless little adventure that it gave us a kick and we kept pitying and cracking jokes on the poor farmer. As this is off-season, they would have costed atleast Rs.20 each. Ya ya...I know all the hype just for such a small amount, but we were just beginners rehearsing before we can construct a master plan to rob a bank.

The aloo-gobi sabji my mom made with the stolen cauliflowers was extra delicious I tell you.

This petty theft of us reminded my uncle so many such naughty incidents that happened in his childhood. He narrated one such incident and our small theft seemed nothing in front of his crafty mischief.

My uncle in his childhood was so naughty and clever. He would offer help to his neighbour, an old lady, for plucking mangoes by climbing the tree. She would be very grateful for his offer. My uncle would actually throw more mangoes when that old lady looked away into the hay stack hidden at the other side of the wall than rightfully throw into the basket meant for her. She would wonder why there were so many mangoes hanging on the tree but only few of them in the basket :P

So finally I had a lot of fun time with my cousin and her family in Bangalore. We laughed at the cauliflower theft for half a day. Maybe that was what made the trip to the temple more special and memorable. Otherwise it would be just a normal visit to the temple.

On the way we found jasmine fields also. We bought them rightfully from the field by paying the farmer , so it isn't as thrilling as stealing cauliflowers.

I will make a garland out of those jasmine flowers and offer it to the Shiva deity next time I go to that temple and ask him to overlook and forgive my petty sin of theft :)

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Dreams on fire

The love letters scented in musk we wrote
the dried petals of the roses you left every mornin
the love poems and lyrics we composed

the gifts,our photos,those greetings

the wonderful times we spent together
, those abstract memories
the pages of my diary I filled about you every night......

You walked out of my life

without for once glancing back

But left these lingering traces
haunting and claiming my sanity

When I came to know

there is no more 'us
But just you and me
gone in bifurcating ways

I decided to put an end to your memories
and sacrifice these reminders in the flames of fire

Years it took for me to nurture my dreams of love
but just a blink of an eye

for the incinerating fire to melt them into liquid dreams

Devoured the flames callously

Wiped them out from the chronicles of time

Undid the moments, erased out the memories

Scorched and scalded bits of paper

were all that was left of your love lette
Scarred and charred useless trash became all other gifts

For one last time before I could touch and feel the ashes
the cruel breeze blew off the ignited flakes of ash,
disseminated them here-and-there

With a sigh and a phew

When it is all done

I look into the mirror...

But it is not me who I see

Alas I never can forget you!

Incapable the fire was to burn the bonds which bound me to you

left those memories and scenes unblemished, untouched

I still see you...

your kiss...

your touch...

your love...
which warms my pulsating heart

gushing blood through veins

vitalizing every inch of my body

The record of every minute I spent with you,

is imprinted intricately in my
The past moments span in front of my eyes

playing in detail as if everything is happening right now


my heart contains love for you, swelling bountifully
my eyes refuse to vaporise your image locked in forever

my ears shamelessly long to hear you whisper my name

The brunt of your love which poisoned my body and soul

by burning the material traces will not be that easily obliterated

If your love is inseparable and a part-and parcel of my existence....
If I am your most striking remaining trace...
If you still exist in every drop of my sanguine blood
If the passion of love burning in me can never be dampened....
If our souls are one intertwined for eternity that refuse to be apart

Then how can I not set myself ablaze to truly forget you?

How can I not end my existence to put an end to your memories?

How can I not set myself ablaze to truly forget you??

Monday, April 12, 2010

The final day

Tomorrow I shall attend the last day of college. I'll be the last one to graduate after finishing my practical viva voce in Pharmaceutical analysis as my Roll number is last -- an embarrassing 69 out of 69 class strength. Thank God from now on I need not put up with giggles from my classmates due to its naughty implications whenever my roll number is called .I always used to wonder these 4 years why only this shameful number was alotted to me out of the infinite numbers available.

On the first day of my college, Jitendra sir told us that we have to stay here for 4 whole years which to me felt like a very loooong time and that it will take forever for my course to get over. As I've shifted 10 schools, I am in constant need of change and fresh faces around. But then I feel astonished as these days spanned by soon and before I knew it, here comes the final showdown tomorrow.

As I look back, I have seen so many happy days and sad days.

Sad days because--I couldn't cope up with politics played by classmates, the tough nature to sport and survival of the fittest game in hostel, rude behaviour by seniors, hectic schedule in practicals and theory classes, the exam tension, slogging from text books heavier than me, always missing home and mom, cursing the unpalatable and unidentifiable mess food, standing in queues for everything in hostel right from bathrooms to breakfast etc, petty quarrels with room mates over "I want to switch off the lights as I'm sleepy"....."No, I want lights switched on for studying!!!"

Happy days because I had in my own measure (i always think fun is an over-rated word). Hostel life made me brave and tough and now I am confident that I won't feel like a fish out of a pond wherever I go. The gossips and chit-chats we girls had, the teasing, the fun-poking incidents, the pranks we played, imitating lecturers, cheating in the exam and devising innovative novel ways to copy right under the nose of the invigilator, the birthday bashes and b-day bumps, the way we shamelessly just need any irrelavant excuse like neighbour's sister's dog's birthday of our classmates to levy money and loot them bankrupt demanding to throw parties, flirting with boys, making them do all the practical experiments for us, asking the boys to recharge our mobile balance etc etc how any other normal college going student enjoys his/her life.

I remember that in my 7th class, I had to read out a paragraph from my science text book aloud to the class. There was this word 'pharmaceuticals' and I didn't know how to pronounce it. I read it as ' pharma- "cute"- ticals' and my teacher instantly corrected me as 'pharma-"syu"-ticals'.

I didn't even know how to pronounce pharmaceutics back then, but now I hold a graduation degree in pharmaceutical sciences!! I love pharmacology branch in my course. My heart beats for it, as it is so interesting. I always scored outstanding marks in it. I hope to clear my PG entrance exam and do Masters in pharmacology.

Will I miss my friends and college?


I've always wanted a change. I'm looking forward to the new college I can get into and the new people I can meet than feel sad missing my present classmates. I've grown out of them now. I did have fun with them and some memories I'll cherish forever. But I don't want my life to be stagnant and revolve around the same people.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

My new pets - Pigeons

We were in Ghaziabad, U.P , back then when I was a 5 yr old.
I remember nothing about our stay there except that there used to be many pigeons flying in the balcony and I used to get scared of them. I also remember eagles chasing and feeding on the just born pigeons.

During one harsh summer, a pigeon laid eggs inside our water cooler. Maybe it wanted a cool and comfortable home safe from the eagles, to incubate its hatchlings. Mom wouldn't allo
w me to switch on the cooler in the scorching heat nor did she move the eggs to another place. She was fond of the pigeon and primarily thought of its comfort over mine. I would curse this mama pigeon day-and-night and many-a-times thought of breaking the eggs while it went out for fetching food.

One day an eagle saw their comfort home and while I opened the windows to let in some cool air, it came in and snatched on an egg and flew away before my mom could come and shoo it off. I felt miserable for that unborn baby pigeon.

I sta
rted taking care of the pigeon as my pet. I would keep a watch on these nasty eagles and supply insects and cockroaches for the pigeon as food. After some days the eggs hatched into two tiny bald pigeons. They looked very ugly. They would squeak all the time in their screechy little voices and eat the food their mom brought till their stomachs got swollen and bulged out. I named them -Tini and Mini.

After only 2 days the eggs hatched into
squabs(baby pigeons) my dad received transfer orders to another place and we had to leave those pigeons there itself. Even in my new place I would get reminded of them and wished they would stay safely from the greedy eagles.

(clicked photos this morning while the mama pigeon was away. I was very afraid that she would come and peck me thinking I'm harming her babies)

Recently another pigeon laid eg
gs near the window of the abandoned store room and those eggs hatched today. Meet the new age Tini and Mini. They are very ugly but cute at the same time. They stink a lot! And they made the place very dirty with their droppings and twigs :)

May be one day they will grow wings and fly away to find a new home. But I'll remember these tiny things and cherish this photo forever.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Article to The Hindu's Collegian collumn

More than the news, 'media' is in the news these days

Media is irrefutably the fourth pillar of democracy,but it should not misuse its vested responsibility in the aegis of its constitutional prerogative of 'the freedom of press'.News channels in order to gain TRP's and to have an edge over their competitors are in a mad rush to telecast sensational tidbits in the name of 'breaking news' before others air it and in that process fail to check the credibility of the same.They compromise on facts and draw conclusions from vague data available,and by the time the authenticity is crosschecked, enough irrevocable damage would already have been done.The attack on reliance outlets and misquoting of Shashi Taroor's statements are just two such instances which clearly reflects media's professionalism or lack thereof.Editors of print media and heads of news channels should assert their reporters not to rely on personal views, biases, rumours and dubious websites and insist on fetching news only from reliable and verified sources.
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