Thursday, September 23, 2010

Delusional Love

Please go away from my life. Since the moment I met you, I’ve been obsessed day and night about your thoughts. If I didn’t meet you, I would have been so sure about my future plans….going abroad and finding a new world and career that I always dreamt of. But then those career aspirations got replaced and gave way to your infatuated dreams from the day I met you. Suddenly you took priority over my career plans. I was so sure about my calling…about what I would do with my life. After you came my crystal clear goals vapourised into haze. My dream crashed headlong before it could take wings and soar high in the sky. I dropped my one and only chance of flying abroad and making my dreams true…but for what..? only for my love to be insulted and dismissed as a silly crush by you later. I waited in vain. You ridiculed the fervent love I possessed and said it would fade away. I stayed back, lost my chance and lost you too. A complete loser in life.

I call you, but you always reply that you are in traffic. We both know, that I know that you lied. Such a flimsy excuse? Nowadays you are not even bothering to devise clever excuses and that I would find out your excuses stupid and baseless. Even if I am hurt by your lies, it doesn’t matter to you anymore right? At first, whenever I called you, you would say that you could never be busy for me even if you were immersed in heaps of workload.

Whatever did I do wrong to lose you? Or did I ever have you to lose you?

I can’t blame you though. I am a no-one to you- no less than a faceless stranger. I know it is not right to pin hopes on a stranger. I know everything but still I pretend to be unaware of the obvious. It’s plain and simple. 4 straightforward words- ‘you don’t like me’ or better still are these 3 words ‘you hate me’ …but I want to turn a blind eye towards the conspicuous. I don’t want to acknowledge the truth and stay happy in the false world and castle of dreams I spin and weave of you. I want to hold onto the thought that everything is fine when it is not. I make myself believe that yes you are really stuck in traffic and keep waiting for you to call back which we both know would never come. Oh now maybe your network is busy or you ran out of balance…anything but the truth I say to myself to convince me than to accept the fact that you are avoiding me.

You may have your own reasons to avoid me. You may be right in not showing any interest towards me, but I will still be hooked on to you. Whatever happened to my self-respect? It is biting dust with everytime me wagging my tail like a desperate lovelorn puppy waiting for you to reciprocate.

When someone asks me if I am in relationship, I don’t know what to answer. Not that we are officially lovers but still I would be happy if I could confidently say about you. It leaves me sad when your name runs in my memory, it almost comes to my lips but I have to ultimately say ‘no’.

Aren’t you and me together? Tell me. I already know your reply. Reality hits hard. So I have built a virtual world where reality is obscured by delusional fantasies. I will satisfy myself with false expectations. I just can’t take no for an answer. It is too painful.

I can’t see my another dream crashing headlong like a flightless bird. It will take time for me to accept that is over. One fine day I might come into terms with reality. I will completely erase you from my memory and move on.

Until then…


  1. Another superb work frm u..Great post...When u really love some takes a lifetime to forget him/her....

    great post..

  2. Nicely written...

  3. Lovely tale,it really takes a hell lot of courage to let go the one who meant everything to you.
    More so when you are being forced by the same person.

    Nicely written.

  4. Great work..and lots of true emotions!!

    Its better to put life on 'fast track' and move on..

    again...the in-depth emotion well portrayed...the confusion...the anger..everything..vivid and true

    hats off to you Aparna!

  5. Aparna, this strikes some chords in me...I'd like to ask you a question, though it is not necessary for you to answer it.
    Another blogger said once that it is not fair to judge people on the basis of what they share on their blog pages as it might just be a very small part of their personality.
    So is it so?

    And I think that I too might have said these words that 'I cannot be busy, for you I can always have time' to some of my dearest friends, but I also know that I might not do justice to it. But then there is one thing I want from my friends, fight me, hit me, remind me that I said so.

  6. i believe love is the most complex of all emotions and infact it triggers the others as well yet it is the most beautiful thing that could exist in this world.
    Great work ..

  7. that was breath taking... honestly aparna i'm going through a similiar situation where i'm in love with a person who doeant know i love her... and when i read your work... i felt so connected... beautiful expression especially one of the flightless bird... loved it ... great... great work :)

    and hey i'm coming for the indi blogger meet :) hope to see you there :)

    and following you :)

    take care and keep writing...........


Please be nice :)

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...