Friday, October 15, 2010

What went wrong?

I couldn’t sleep last night, now that I know it is over between us. I was clinging onto a tiny hope till yesterday, that maybe things can become normal between us.The way they were meant to be. But if you want me to walk out of the door, I will happily do that. I still can’t make out what went wrong between us. Everything was so perfect. And you gave me a reason to live. I was so sure that you were the one for me. But suddenly…

I am not bitter anymore because I know what we had was for real. And if in some distant place in future, we see each other in our new lives, I will smile to you with joy and remember all the good time we spent with each other. We laughed, cried, loved, and above all we connected. You were the one with whom I could speak my mind with no inhibitions, without the fear of being judged. You were so approachable and understanding. We shared identical interests and you were the one with whom I could discuss leisurely on the couch about anything under the sun….our favourite football player, our favourite band or anything silly or serious. Life has become so tough without you.

I miss the jokes we cracked and laughed staying up all throughout the night, wishing the day would never come. I miss the endless marathon conversations we had in phone. I miss listening to you strumming the guitar for me and singing love songs.

Everything reminds me of you. Walking on the street I see our favourite fast food joint, our favourite movie theatre, the park we frequented. I see the penthouse with garden and picket fence we planned of buying and decorating the home of dreams. I see the big tree with blossoms under which we had our first kiss …which is now barren and stripped in the autumn. I see a kid with balloons and get reminded of how you would always bought balloons and kites for me. And how we ran to get my kite flying in the air which refused to go more than few feet from the ground. I could revisit my childhood with you. I see the lane on which you taught me to ride your bike. You were so protective that you would never let me go and ride on my own. You were always there to catch me if I fell. Where are you now?

I know you would intentionally lose in the game of basketball when we played together, even if you were on the winning side, just to see me happy.

The diamond ring that you gave when you proposed me, still adorns my finger. It was so sweet of you to spend all the money you were saving for buying your favourite sports bike for the ring instead.

Though you boast that you are so macho and never cry for anything at all, on that day I saw you shed tears, muffling your cries under the pillow, when I was critical in the hospital after meeting with an accident.

Did I tell you that I knew you substituted the dead goldfish in my aquarium with new ones? You knew I would be upset as those poor things died just because I didn’t know how to feed them right. You substituted them with new gold fish from the pet shop while I was sleeping, thinking that I would never discover the change.

Every Sunday we would go trekking so far that I would be so tired walking. You would carry me and I would snuggle cosily wishing to be nowhere else but here, surrounded by your gentle arms.

I see our old photo album everyday. Those moments captured when we had genuine smiles on our lips. We knew what happiness meant. It was so tangible and we owned it. For how long do I recall you from a still photo? Last night, I wanted to dream about you, but I couldn’t imagine your face. With passing days, your face seems strange to me. I am beginning to fear I will forget you. Your image and voice is fading from my mind. I am forgetting the pain you inflicted on me by deserting me suddenly. I don’t want my heart to heal from the pain you caused me. It is the only reminder of you that I have with me.

You never told me what went wrong. You didn’t give me a second chance to mend my mistake, if I ever did. No explanations…no answers…out of the blue you wanted me to walk out of your life. Just like that.

Walking on the street, I listen to a distant unfamiliar ringing sound. The resonance of laughter from a couple who are in new found love. The sound seems so alien and strange to me. I have forgotten to laugh. I see no reason in it. I am lost without you.

I want you to be happy with the life you’ve chosen for yourself. It hurts that I am not a part of it. I breathe you out of my heart and pray for the strength to stand strong without you in my life. I will always be grateful to you, for being my confidant, my friend, my lover, my soul mate. I wish you find someone better than me, who will keep you happy forever and will sustain your interest throughout.

I just have one small request.

Please don’t break her heart.

DISCLAIMER:  It is just a narrative interspersed with fiction and imagination but I have tried to write it in the first person perspective.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Frozen Desires

I am so happy!

Today has to be the happiest day in my life. The below zero temperature outside with breezing snow is so contrary to my present mood- so bright, brimming with happiness as warm as summer sunshine. Today I shall reveal my feelings to him. Now or never, I decide. For how long do I hesitate fearing his reaction? I am sure he will respond positively. My gut intuition never lets me down. I can see it in his every gesture, the very way he looks at me longingly, speaks volumes about how much he adores me. But yes, I know he is shy to propose. Just like me. But I shall make things easier for us.

Fresh roses! Bright red! I stop near the florist and buy roses. Roses have so rightly been symbolic of budding love for long. The beauty of the petals standing for the splendour of charming love. The thorns standing for the difficulties one has to face through to succeed in love. I can smell the pervasive fragrance of love in the air. Yes today is the day! What is it with love? Everything feels so poetic and beautiful- like the white specks of falling snow dotted against the red backdrop of the rose.

After one whole year of silently and secretly admiring him, the secret can no longer be contained in my heart. Love just one thing? No, love is to show, to express, to spread, to feel, to reciprocate!

I invite him for dinner to my place. The flickering fire burning in the fireplace makes the room very warm and cosy. He catches the look of delight in my twinkling eyes. He feels the electricity in the air… expecting something that will prove to be the biggest moment of our lives.
What is it with love? Can you read each other’s minds? As if there’s an invisible bond connecting our hearts. Thinking alike and feeling in unison…

The roses wait to be given and to be received…to be held testimony of our love. Relaxing, on the sofa, by the fireplace and watching the fire dancing brightly he says, ‘Today is the best day in my life dear!’

How right I was that our love was a mutual feeling!

‘Yes! Mine too!’ I say

‘I am glad you feel happy for me.’

‘I feel happy for us

‘I waited for one whole year. Never got this chance.’

‘What? One year? You too?’

‘And finally Rachael agreed to marry me!'

‘Oh? I am happy for you. Truly!’

‘She has made me a happy man! I will leave now. Thanks for the lovely dinner’

I see his silhouette fading away with the growing distance, and try hard to fight back my tears. He for even once doesn't glance back. Love just one thing? No it is to hide, to sacrifice, to conceal, to forgo, to hurt!

The flames in the fireplace dampen long after he leaves, but the ashes keep burning…just like my fiery hot tears that stream down my cheeks. I throw the rose out of the window into the harsh wintry snow. It lays there, ignored, frozen in the chill, and piled below the sheets of ice and snow.

Whom could I blame? I kept listening to whatever he didn't utter. Without any reason I weaved high hopes. I presumed his unvoiced feelings. I took his love to be granted, conjuring love out of thin air, when it really didn’t exist.

Weeks fly by. Seasons change. Nothing is temporary.

The ice melts and the first rays of spring sunshine streak through the dried, barren stems of the trees, and touch the ground. As the layers of snow disappear one-by-one, I see my rose wilted and withered ashen brown.

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