Saturday, December 19, 2009

Let me go

Why did you let me go?

Wasn't I a big fool? To not see how much you loved me? Your eyes were a testimony to the brightly flickering love your heart contained for me. I ridiculed your love. I guess I took your love for granted. Like the ever punctual sun which rises at daybreak without fail. I overlooked the fact that clouds can clog the sun rays to streak through and give rise to perpetual darkness. Worse still, polar sky doesn't see advent of dawn as sun sinks below the horizon during winter solstice.You were my eyes, providing rose hued perspective to perceive the beauty of the world. And there I was, blind to even something right in front of me and pristinely visible, as the unconditional love you showered on me.

You didn't for once hesitate to entrust your heart---the vitality of existence, to me. But there I was, pinching the very same heart which loved me.

I was on a mission to lament on your every move, trying to pick out errors and reproaching at your otherwise too perfect character. I made it a point to torment you, and make your life a virtual inferno. You tolerated stoically saying not one word against me. You overlooked all my mistakes and held nothing against me. There was not a wee bit decrement in your irrefragable love for me.

I openly showed my growing disinterest towards you. I deliberately dissented with you,argued at every possible word you said and quarrelled over trivial matters. Anything to show that you were unwelcome now and that I needed you no longer. All those times, you stood mum and submissive, supporting my ridiculous point of view though you knew I was being illogical.

I did see you when you were alone and all by yourself, you would cry heartfully wondering at what might have possibly gone wrong with our relationship. Wasn't it just yesterday that I promised my love will be eternal, and will stand the test of time? And today I forget my own promise I made to you.I saw your eyes replete with tears unable to see my love diminish for you. You would blame yourself,ascribing my change in behaviour as your own fault rather than sensibly reasoning to my own sadism. Watching you shed tears, I would smirk that my whole plan to get rid of you was working.

You were there for me, when I went on risking my life seeking precarious adventures and chasing after false vanity.

When I ventured into the sea of storm, you were my harbour keeping me safe after ship-wreck.

When I was gasping for air, drowning in the dark waters, you were my breath and respite.

Eventually you saw that I was no longer happy with you. It disheartened you to finally come to terms that you were not the one for me. You realised that the relationship has gone far beyond the threshold that anyone could mend. You stepped back, retreated far away from my sight and from your heart-of-hearts wished that I find true love and everlasting happiness elsewhere

But now i ask you ....why did you let me go?

Even after all these years, I could not find anyone who would selflessly love back as you could. You realised that you were not the one for me. But you know what? I was not the one for you. I was a fool to reject your love

Now, I want to come to you, plead you to forgive me and accept me back. But then it dawns upon me, that it's too late. Our relationship has really gone beyond the threshold that anyone can mend.

It was a foolish thing to have you let me go. To be the reason of my own downfall. I conspired to free myself from the shackles of your protective arms. I thought it was your heart that I crushed. But it was my own heart that I stabbed and now it is bleeding profusely.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Sinking ship

You are at the cross roads of life...

Paths-a-many lay in front of you...

You are clueless as to what to choose...

Do you know that feeling?

I feel it right now. And it stifles me.I'm here at the most crucial juncture of my life...where I need to make this one quick decision and save my whole life from tumbling and crashing down.

Once I decide there's no changing it. Or swapping it with something else. It's final. No time for regrets. No time to analyse if I've taken the right step or not.

I'm afraid when I think of the consequences. What if I falter and tread in the wrong road? On the road not meant for me...the road winding and curving into deeper darker abyss...taking me into unknown where I shouldn't have been. What if there's no light? What if there's darkness consuming me? What if there's no air to breathe? What if it is full of enemies and hostility ready to tear me down?

What if.....??

There are two main roads (many other smaller bifurcations which I can overlook--

One-- This is where my heart is. My love depends on it. My soul drags me into it headlong....and I am afraid if I will make a bumpy collision. For I don't know what awaits me. I am not even sure why my heart is being pulled towards it- into a place too dark where I can't see the end.So many conditions and practical considerations for achieving 'it'. But my heart says 'nothing else matters' and ' I don't care'.Tougher one also. For it is long and I need to sweat to toil it. But the fruits are sweeter eventually. If everything goes according to plan , then I am going to be the happiest in the world. The question is : will everything go according to plan? So there's a lot of uncertainty about it. It is based on so many impractical and irrational factors.

And then there's road TWO--The easier one. The sensible one also.Perhaps? Quick and comforting. But I know I won't be happy. I just know it. My heart will feel suffocated. It's far...too far actually. And I'm not too sure of it. Nobody I know has taken it. Do I overlook my heart's cries for desperate help when I choose this road? Should I stab my heart and turn a deaf ear to it? It actually is easier to not heed my heart. For to listen to its howling bothers me more. I might as well lock it and throw it somewhere. Oh crap, I might as well slash my wrists and make my heart to stop thumping. Do I venture far out in the desert where I know not one friendly soul just because it gives me momentary pleasure and pleases my vanity? For how long do I keep wandering in search of the oasis?

And then there's time constraint breathing on my neck, with that annoying tick-tick sound bothering me and preventing me from thinking clearly. People await my decision ...their constant gaze is on my foot wondering where I will step on.

I feel like an aimless sinking sink. A ship on the verge of a wreck, just awaiting and counting seconds before ramming into the ice-berg. I'm doomed anyway.No particular destination to report to... just aimlessly wandering and being carried by the dictating waves. My decision alters with the changing winds. Even faster than the bat of an eyelid. I'm unsure of 'it'...of myself...of my future....of my love....of my life....of people around...of why the bloody hell I was born in the first place?????

But then I can't just sit here and wait, while weighing my options and making a fool of me.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Special day

It was a special day for me. Would it be special for him too?

I had no particular plans as such for my birthday. All I wanted to do is head to the beach and gaze at the orange sunset with him.

But I had to go alone. My heart was sure that he would still come later and erase my loneliness. He could be angry with me, but I know his anger would melt on my birthday. He would soon stand beside me to make us a sweet couple.

The beautiful sunset and its image glowing on the sea, waves splashing out against the rocks, cool breeze flowing by around......all this brought a smile onto my face. It is everytime that the sea looks this beautiful.

I don't know why, but I never noticed all this before. Maybe it was because, at those times all I used to think was about someone else.

But this time, there's no one else to think about.

With a broken heart and tears rolling down my cheek, I wrote 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME' on the sand.

Everything was the same...same place, same time of the year, sane sunset, same waves, same breeze....but the absence of him made a huge difference.

A wave came swirling and erased all those words. Others would mark out that as bad omen. But I considered those waves as a friend who came to wish me 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY'.

All the sad memories and thoughts melted away and I celebrated that special day with the nature around. My loneliness on that day was hurting me, but those waves who came like an uninvited pal in my party were like a sparkle in the darkness and an elixir to my wounds.

P.S: Written by my 16 yr old sister, Akhila.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Acknowledgements of my upcoming book

I thought of a wonderful plot for my novel which is going to be out in the near future. I hope some reputed publishers like the manuscript and agree to print my work. So people, watch out for author Aparna's upcoming book!

Here's the preview of the acknowledgements page just for the benefit of you folks! Well, they say that a work in development should not be revealed before it is ready, but here it is anyway.

A huge thank you--

To my Parents, for buying and letting me read novels rather than academic books. For their patience to bear my tantrums and pocket money demands.

To the Jayanagar street pirated novel sellers, for making all the wonderful novels available at an affordable cost. Never mind that some pages go missing and that the print is bad.
For taking pity on me and not trying to sell pirated copies of this particular novel.

To my best friend Reeha, for proof reading the entire novel and making umpteen suggestions. (Finally by incorporating all of them my novel didn't turn out the way I wanted it to be!)

To the heartthrob and imaginary Nick, with love. For making me smile whenever I think of his name. For making me experience what love, fantasy and pain is.

To Edward cullen, for letting me imagine him as a temporary boyfriend until I find one. And for introducing me to fantastic creatures like vampires and werewolves to dream all night.

To my sister Akhila-the little menace maker, for giving me various ideas to write this tragedy novel. Without her my life would have been peaceful and I wouldn't have had a first-hand experience of troubles and tribulations.

To my Kolkata brothers- Prithwish, Anwesh and Aersh for being the inspiration behind writing fiction.

To maverick, for always kindling sparks of inspiration in me to write beautiful, heart-touching masterpieces.

To Ruben, for pointing me out that my life could be interesting too during the times I felt my life was monotonous.
To Ste and Rashi, for introducing me to a creative writers union called 'Writer's lounge'.

To Arun Kumar, Brocasarea, Ashish Gaurav, ani_aset, Aritra, NJ, cutestangel, Nazish R for always going through the kilometer long blog posts I write. Thank you for the patience.

To Nevil, for being Avalanche and making me his Kitty.

And here's the plot of my story.

Actually I only thought about the acknowledgements and how the cover page is going to be till now. I'm still racking my brains for a good story. So folks, pray that some brainwave strikes me soon!

P.S : Please refrain from buying pirated copies of my novel even if it costs Rs. 600.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

The last reminder

At 15, I hated dogs with a violent passion.

I had an instant dislike for this family who shifted recently opposite to our apartment, as they had a pet dog. My mom asked me to befriend the neighbour's kid in his late teens. I somehow had this impression that dog owners contract lice from its fur. So I altogether avoided him.

This dog barked all night disturbing my studies and sleep. It was tied near the staircase and everyone who passed that way, were at its mercy. All it used to do was bark and bark... and well for the rest of the time, it would nibble my shoes left in the veranda or chew my clothes left for drying on the terrace. In short, my new neighbours and their dog hampered my peace.

One evening I searched a lot for my missing palm sized teddy which I left in the verandah. I was pretty sure that the dog nibbled it away. 'That's the hell it!', I thought and marched straight to my neighbour's and banged on their doors. The boy opened the door.

He looked cute. I wasn't sure if he had lice or not, but I stood very far from him anyway. I told him how I hated his pesky dog. I accused it of nibbling my teddy.

"Lost teddy?", he asked.

" Yeah. It's my favourite."

" Umm....did you look inside the washing machine?"

" What?....Well, no".

" It might be taking a bath in that", he said as-a-matter-of-factly.

Inspite of my consuming temper, I found his words sweet and funny

I went to my mom and asked her about the teddy. To my surprise, she did put it inside the washing machine as its dirty fur needed a wash. I went back to the boy and apologised.

"Apologies accepted. You don't like Tini?"

" I hate all dogs. They have lots of lice on them"

" Hey, not Tini. Come inside"

"Okay. But keep that canine creature far from me"

We played PSP, and listened to punk rock. He taught me a good deal about computer and photo shopping. I had a great time with him.

I was deeply involved in a bike racing game, when I felt something tickling my feet. I looked down to see Tini licking me with its lolling tongue. Instinctively I kicked it off. It rammed the sofa and banged its head against it.

We both ran near it out of concern. I was relieved that nothing happened to it and the next second the hyper active pup started jumping again and licked me all over.

"It likes you"

I touched its head over where it hit the sofa. Its fur was so smooth and silky. No lice. I loved the way the fur brushed and felt against my hand. I took the pup into my arms and started stroking it. I happened to actually love Tini !

Vikram, me and Tini became great buddies. I enjoyed their company and hung around in their home often. We three went to evening walks on the grassy lane in the park everyday without fail

Some months later Vikram got busy preparing for entrance exams. He didn't have the time for me. I missed him so much and out of sadness and anger I started a petty argument with him which turned out into a big quarrel and we stopped talking for a week. The next day I was disheartened to know that our family decided to leave Bangalore and go to a new place in few days.

I didn't conclude my cold war and was not on talking terms with him even on the last day. I didn't allow him to say a proper good-bye to me. While we were about to head to the station, he came down and tried to gift me a Teddy bear. I refused to take it out of ego. When the car was about to leave, he said he was sorry and hurled the teddy inside the window. I looked the other way.The car finally left the gate and it was then that I thought beyond my silliness and the final realisation that I can see him no more dawned on me. But it was too far too late then to make amends. I left behind so much.

I didn't call him all these three years. He is so faraway from me. Hearing his voice would make my heart ache and miss him even more.

And whenever my teddy goes missing, the first place I head to for searching, is the washing machine.


Guess what?

Today I'm with Tini walking the same grassy lane in the park we used to stroll along for evening walks.

I'm in B'lore now after so many years on a college industrial visit. Since that I'm here I thought I might as well say hi to Vikram and Tini. I knocked his door expectantly but I was told that he's not here anymore. He's studying in Pune staying in a hostel. His parents went to US. Poor Tini was left in the nearby Dog care Pen. I went to the Pen. As soon as it saw me, it recognized me and started nibbling my shoes. I paid Rs.900 and adopted it.

Tini missed its masters. It has lost sheen on the fur due to lack of proper care.It has lots of lice now. But that doesn't matter to me anymore.

As tini trots along the lane nibbling the grass, I get reminded of those happy times and I feel a crushing pain. I hated all dogs before. Due to Vikram I now know how friendly, and adorable these things can be. I don't know where exactly Vikram is now. I'm not sure if I'll meet him again. But I do have the reminder of the good times we shared in the form of Tini. I am going to take good care of it. Mom might be against the whole idea of pets, but I'll convince her. And did I tell you that I now love dogs passionately? Agreed they have lice and all , but such things can be overlooked, right?

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Signed, sealed and delivered

Dear Love of the future,

Where are you? Why didn't you find me yet? Every night I lay in the corner of my room, on the cozy bed and look out of the window waiting for you. I think of a million questions which whirl in the air around me demanding answers.

How do you look? I hope you look cute and boyishly handsome. Do you sing well? I want you to hold me and sing lullabies to me as I sleep blissfully knowing nothing can harm me if I laid in your arms. We can sing duets together also. I want you to teach me guitar. I'm so lazy to attend the music classes. I can't dance that well. That won't be a problem to you, would it?

I want you to love me for who I am and not someone prettier or smarter. I'm a little shy, timid and nervous. Please don't mind that. When we bump into each other the first time, I might be bad at breaking the ice. I'm not so good with new people. But as I will get to know you, I won't be able to stop chatting. I can get so talkative without a break. Will you listen to me attentively or just pretend so like all my friends do?

Please say 'I love you' to me very often. I need to be assured from my insecurities. Please compliment on my outfits and say I look good everyday because I am a sucker for compliments. Oh and I should say that when I blush out of shyness or cry or laugh too much, my face goes pink and my eyes get small.

Please be patient with me when we go shopping. Don't expect me to pay the bills when we go on a date because for some unknown reasons I always run low on cash. And also, I will give only missed calls because I am a miser when it comes to mobile balance. Please promptly call me back then. Actually call me very, very frequently like 4 or 5times or even more in an hour.

 I hate non-veg. So don't expect company from me when we head to Mc Donald's.I don't understand cricket. So it won't be fun for you if you are planning to watch IPL together with a witty girl with whom you can discuss and comment on the game moves, the cricketers and all. But I want to impress you. So I will ask my friend tomorrow to tutor me on cricket.

I hope you listen to the same kind of music like I do and read same kind of novels like I do. I want you to share my interests when it comes to books and music. It would be fun, to lay down on the couch and discuss about a common favourite band or our favourite author's upcoming book.

Can we build a tree house by the side of the sea and live secluded from the rest of the world? I need all the privacy in the world! Can we keep puppies as pets honey? My room mate's boy friend hates dogs. I hope you don't think the same. Please gift me two cute Lhasa dogs for my birthday this time. I have thought of their names also-- pebble and bubble.

Don't forget to wish me on my birthday. Be the first one to call me right at the break of 12. Let me tell you that I get really hurt when people forget my birthday. It's a touchy subject for me. It hits me on my nerves. So set a mobile reminder or something, and remember about it.

Don't ask me that we go together for a horror and scary psycho thrillers in the theatre. I get so scared you know. When my friends ask me to come for a horror movie, I can't refuse because they call me a chicken and poke fun on me in the entire class. So I'm left with no other choice than to shiver uncontrollably and close my eyes during the entire film. They get disgusted when I scream or cry also. I hope atleast you will understand me and take me out to those girly, frilly, romantic chick flicks. You know, the ones that guys don't normally relate to. Oh, I will let you go watch all those scary movies with your bunch of friends.

I hope you have a good physique. I hate fat people. Do you head to gym everyday? Naina's bf has gained weight recently and they look like beauty and beast together.

I won't ask you for all your time. I will give you your space, time and privacy. I won't panic that you broke up with me, even if it's a week that you called me. I will just reason that you are doing so because you are really busy. But I would be happy if you did call saying so.

I hope you will love me more than I could possibly love you. Please promise me that nothing would make your love waver or diminish for me. I hope it can get stronger by days and endures the test of time. Don't ever hurt me. I'm so sensitive and die-hard romantic when it comes to love. For me love is all about commitment and dedicating one's life solely to lover. You must think I read too many cheesy novels and watch romantic movies. But I believe in fairy tales. Can we live one together and happily ever after?

I am a dreamer and a very imaginative person. I believe in building castles and fantasies in the air. I want you join me in these fantasies and make them real and tangible.

Don't break my dream and fantasy. Don't call our relationship quits no matter what. If you happen to fall out of love from me, then deceive me, cheat me. Don't let me know that you are going on with some other girl. As long as I don't know, it doesn't matter right? Act smart and concote some cock-and-bull stories if I find a lipstick mark on your shirt, or saw you kissing someone. I am very naive, so I'll definitely buy it. As long as I believe that I am the only one for you, even though it is false and lies, it doesn't matter right? I just want you to know that I want to be with you together and love you forever even if you don't love me back enough.

I've already planned the way we will bump into each other the first time. It's going to be surreal and romantic. Rose and lavender petals are going to drop out of nowhere from the sky, there would be warm breeze blowing , smooth music playing by in the background and everything will go at slow-motion. Time would freeze then and there. Surroundings would become stagnant. You and I will be the only ones moving. I run from this end and you from the other and I fall into your arms and you kiss me. Then you whisper me those three magical words I always wanted to be told.You know like how it happens in the movies. Like love at first sight. We meet, like each other and live together all our lives.

When will we meet? I am here waiting for you high up in the castle, shackled by the witch of unfortunes. I won't let my hair down, so get a ladder beforehand. I hope you are strong enough to fight this mighty ferocious dragon. Get a horse and be my knight in shining armour. And oh, make the horse a black one, and paint its saddle in pink so as to match the colour of my pink lacy robes. Did I tell you that pink is my favourite colour. What's your favourite colour?

The castle touches the sky, so we can dance on the fluffy clouds and pluck the stars after you rescue me.

Like I said I love fairy tales. Can we live one together?

Forever yours


Sunday, September 13, 2009

Till death do us apart

"Perfect" the maid of honour remarks, as I sway the embellished white bridal gown. She adjusts the coronet adorned with a wreath of Rosemarys and covers my face with a netted veil. She hands over a bouquet of red roses to complement my attire.

I ask the make-up artist to overdo the mascara of my eyes. I have to conceal my tears behind the shades of heavy make-up and a pretentious visage. As I breathe in the fragrance of the bunch of crimson flowers I check their colour which stands a striking contrast against the purity of my white frock.

Perfect on the outside. But I feel shattered inside. I am supposed to look high in spirits.

But I won't cry. Not today.

His words with a velvet touch flow into my memory. I shake my head to brush his thoughts aside. He is my past. I remind myself. A closed chapter.

With a sigh, I walk towards the centre aisle of the church from the dressing room.The page boy carries the train of my flowing gown escorted with the bridesmaids. At the entrance of the church I am greeted by the best man with a wedding bouquet and a kiss. The prelude of melodious music flows in. I walk towards the altar as the flower-girl spreads rose petals on the floor.

"All rise for the bride"

Every step resounds in my ears. The guests greet me, but I walk on by like a cold expressionless stone. My father smiles at me and walks arm in arm with me.

As the bridal procession towards the altar continues the minister performs the call to worship.
" We are gathered here in the sight of God and these witnesses to unite Rachel Adams and Eben Scott in holy matrimony. As followers of Jesus Christ, let us reverently remember that God has established and sanctified marriage, for the welfare and happiness of mankind.In Christ's holy name. Amen. "

I look down the the path and count the marble tiles. Anything to keep me distracted from breaking down and weeping in front of the 150 odd guests who gathered. I want to yell at the crest of my voice that I belonged to someone else. The path seemed to take forever.

But I won't cry. Not today.

As I near the stage, I do a double-take, unable to believe my eyes. A man at the farthest end among the guests attracts my attention. Praying Jesus that it shouldn't be him, I walk dilly-dallying.

My heart thumps loudly. It's him!

Who informed him about the wedding anyway? I wanted it to happen hush-hush and brisk before he would come to know of it and become heart-broken.

Why did he have to come here now?

What did he mean by gate-crashing at the event?

Didn't he know it was difficult for me already to marry a man I didn't love? It isn't easy! But I had to. I killed my heart and the love it contained for agreeing to this wedding.

He looks very pale. His eyes are not looking at me. They are penetrating through me and I feel the sharpness of his piercing glance boring through me. He seems to ask the question that I haven't dared to ask or answer myself.

The congregation is asked to seat. The ushers light the candles. The groom enters escorted by groomsmen.

" Who gives this woman to be married to this man? " Asks the priest.

" We do". Answer my parents.

Though I avert his gaze, he keeps staring at me. I pull down the veil to shield my face from his questioning glance. I feel my heart pulsating unrythmically and reverberating audibly to the priest. His look of despair haunted me throughout the wedding proceeding.

That feeling of distraught.

That feeling of helplessness.

Heartbroken. Crestfallen.

That feeling of being jilted and betrayed in love.

I search for him among the guests and take a mere glance at him just for a split second, and look down immediately, but not before catching the 1000 expressions that crossed his face all at once.

I feel a dizzy spell. My extremities feel so numb. Bucketful of emotions are consuming me and whirling me mercilessly.

This would have happened quickly and painlessly if he didn't turn up here uninvited.

Why is he making it difficult for both of us?

His eyes convey to me every word with sparkling clarity.

Come back to me this very moment. Even now it's not too late. For whose sake are you doing it anyway?

I feel like running into his arms and calling off the wedding. But I shouldn't be distracted by sheer display of emotion. I feel my world closing on me.

But I won't cry. Not today.

The priest before the statue of The holy Jesus chants the wedding vows on the The Bible.

"Eben, do you take Rachel to be your wedded wife and in the presence of these witnesses do you vow that you will do everything in your power to make your love for her a growing part of your life? Will you stand by her in sickness or in health, in poverty or in wealth, and will you shun all others and keep yourself to her alone as long as you both shall live? "

Eben looks straight into my eyes and says confidently "In the name of Jesus, I Eben Scott take you, to be my wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, for as long as we both shall live. This is my solemn vow"

I don't feel myself. I don't hear a thing of the proceedings. I am so withdrawn into myself.

The priest looks at me and asks " Do you take Eben Scott as your husband?" The stern look on his face jolts me back to reality. Wondering for how long I've been a statue, I try to spill out those two words but they don't seem to come. Everyone wonders seeing my hesitation. Time and dimension freeze. After what seems like an eternity I manage to say I do, which sounds nothing more than a squeak and shows clear signs of stoical suffering though I intend it to sound confident.

Hymns are begun to be sung by the choir. The priest hands over the rings to us.

The Minister says "Father, bless these rings which the couple have set apart to be visible signs of the inward and spiritual bond which unites their hearts."

Eben says "Receive and wear this ring as a symbol of my trust, my respect and my love for you." Eben slides the ring over my trembling fingers.Everyone in the hall wait for me as I fumble for words. I finally stammer "Likewise". I look at him past the groom. He stands expressionless.

The priest says " Now that you both have given themselves to each other by the promises, I pronounce you to be husband and wife, in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen "

The guests clap acoustically.

I expected him to intervene. But he stood there heart broken. It's all over now. I belong to somebody else now. I can feel him exploding inside. I mangle my fingers and dig into the flesh with my nails. Despite that I can't feel the physical pain of it. But my heart weighed down with excruciating pain.

But no, I won't cry. Not today.

"You may now kiss the bride."

The groom lifts the veil and kisses first my cheeks gently. And then my lips. I can't feel a thing. Eben's kiss isn't anything like the warmth and sparkle of the passionate kiss of his. It is bland and cold. Eben senses my discomfort and lets me go.

The minister says " It is now my privilege to introduce to you Mr. and Mrs. Eben Scott"
The hall breaks into applause.

My eyes begin to moisten with tears.

But I won't cry. Not today.

I suppress my tears before they start to stream down. I betrayed him and that feeling claimed my conscience. I feel like a treacherous vixen with vile.The groom slides his hand along my waist and excitedly takes me to the Bridal wain decorated with red roses waiting outside. The chauffeur opens the door for me. I get inside the wagon but my eyes search and pine for his sight. Maybe the last chance ever. He meant the world to me. He protected me like a harbour in an unexpected storm when I was like a vacillating wrecked ship. He was my pillar support admist the changing scenes of life. He made me perceive a world of true beauty.

But he is my past now. I can only hold onto those abstract memories.

I roll down the window pane, silently hoping for him to come out and look my way. To my utter dismay the wagon starts off to my supposedly new home. As the chauffeur veers off into another lane, he sends me a mail on my blackberry. Even before reading it, I know what would have been typed in anger.


Why did you betray me? I expected him to curse me bitterly.

But as I read on, to my astonishment, he doesn't seem to hold anything against me.

Look forward to the bright future this man wants to give you. Bury your past below profound depths. Have a beautiful life ahead.

It's hard to let you go. But I'll try. You deserve a better man afterall. Maybe we are not meant to be together. Seems like destiny had better plans for you.

Stay happy. Keep him happy. And just remember that out there in some corner of the world a man will be happy because you are happy.

As I finish reading the letter, my eyes brim up with tears. I can't control or suppress anymore. Now, at this moment, I break down and cry. Just this very day. Eben misunderstands and relegates my tears to a bride's cold feet emotions.

Tears roll down my cheeks and pelter down on the note, wetting the paper. They smudge my pretentious make-up and heavy mascara. I wail and weep with all my heart for the injustice I did to him.

For the injustice I did to us.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Lovelorned feelings

*Purely fictional*

I fiddle with my cellphone every moment, staring bleakly at it, wishing to hear your voice.

What will you be doing now?



Playing cricket?

Are you with some other girl?

Are you thinking about me like the way I do?
I dial the number.


But everytime it starts ringing I'm unsure of it and I cut the call.

I don't know why.

But I won't back off today. It's your birthday today. I've been waiting for this day more than you could have been waiting. This day that you were born is so special to me.

My fingers tremble as I clutch the cellphone in my hand. I don't have your number in my phonebook. I deleted it. Because everytime I see your name in the contacts, I feel pangs of pain. Everytime my phone rings, I silently hope the screen flashes your name. But you always disappoint me, don't you?

I don't need to save your number anyway. I know it by-heart. Every digit of it . I'll remember it after 50 years from now also, even if it goes out of service.

As I press each digit on the number pad, my heart races. Those 9 digits which belong to your phone. Just one press of the green button and I'll be connected to you and can listen to your voice.


With each ring, my uncertainty builds up. Will you receive me well? Will I be disturbing you? I wish that you won't answer the call in the first place and save me from any embarrassment. I will be jilted if you won't bother to speak well.

1st ring...

2nd ring...





As I am about to hang up silently thanking god, I listen to your voice, sending jolts of electric tension all over me.


"Hi, What are you doing?"

"Who is this?"


" Oh yeah, you! I am fine"

"I wanted to wish you a very happy birthday. And..."

"Listen I'm very busy now. Partying and all. I'll catch you later tonight if you're awake."


And I find myself wondering, holding a dead connection.

Trying to pull away from me? That's good for you because I'm trying to get away from you too. Forget about me. I'm just one of those fools you stumble across in life. I've started to forget you. Maybe its good for me too. I really wished to have you as a lover and be with you for the rest of my life. Who cares about that now? My life is doomed anyway.

I wish I could turn back the globe to the day I met you, and undo it like it never happened. Erase that moment from the chronicles of time. If it never happened, then I wouldn't be suffering and pining for your love this way.

Or wish I could wipe you away from my memory. Let my brain become necrotic and I get liberated from your thoughts.

Like you never existed.

Like I never knew you.

Sure I would have missed all the fun in knowing a wonderful being like you. But more is the sorrow that such a wonderful being can't be mine.

I feel very sad. I feel lost. The ' what if ' feeling grips me and stifles me.

What if you could love me back?

What if you had the same feelings for me?

What if we could be together for all our lives ?

Maybe 30 years from now I'll feel silly at having loved you hopelessly though you didn't reciprocate. I might even laugh at myself and tell my grand children snippets of how obsessed I was about you and preserved everything related to you... your photos, the chocolate wrappers you threw, the spent-up pens you once used, the letters I wrote but never intended to post, your finger-prints on the screen of calculator you borrowed from me that I cherished before it got erased forever.

Maybe I would curse myself later in life about loving a man who didn't tad bother to look at my way more than thrice throughout my school life.

May be I'll be with some other man 30 years from now.

But who knows...?... that other man could be yourself.

Yeah, here's the damned romantic facet in me, hoping against hopes, against all odds that I am living to see the light of the day, somewhere in the not too distant future, when we would be together.

Even if we are not together, I'll fantasy about you. You will be the man of my dreams. Atleast you can't claim yourself from my fantasies.

In my dreams, we would be soul-mates and you'll love me more than I could love you back. That much that if I asked you how much you love me, you would stretch your hands wide to cover the unending sky implying that your love for me is infinite, eternal, selfless and unconditional.

I can only hope for that, shouldn't I?

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Moonlit blossom

Adorned was the night sky,
with the full-moon ,
encircled by polka-dotted stars...

Petals of the inchoate night lily bud
unwrapped one-by-one...

The lustrous moon
enthralled the lily...

The lily was swept away
by the moon at first sight.

The moon caste its image
on the pristine waters of the lake.
Basking in the shimmer of the moon
the lily blossomed to its prime beauty
night- by- night into a fully bloomed flower.

Admired the moon secretly
from a distance…
Adored its aura scrumptiously
for many nights…
Attempted to lure the moon
by its luscious petals…

It anticipated eagerly, until twilight
for the moon to arrive
and illuminate the night sky
with its pervasive milkyness.

Wondered why its lover,
shrinked night-by-night.
Nonetheless, it was awestruck
at the variegated hues
and the versatile shapes
the moon transmuted into every night.

After a fortnight...

It amassed courage
to reveal its innate feelings.
The lily waited that night
anxiously for the moon’s arrival.

But alas the moon didn’t return that night.
With jaded dreams, the lily pined for its sight.
Dejected it was…

Confused it was…

Forlorn and forsaken in the cold, murky waters
it withered and perished that very night
and was immersed
to the unfathomable depths of the lake.

Monday, August 3, 2009

The bride

Dedicated to my sister, Supriya who is a bride to be.

The dewy eyed bride
draped in bridal chiffon..
a complexion of molten gold...
tresses flowing down like a cascade of waterfalls...
adorned with glittering jewellery…

That’s how the bride
reflected in the pristine waters looked-- lovely and adorable.
But the image couldn’t portray my inner turmoil.

With every passing minute,
My heart loomed large on me
with doubt and apprehension…
Will he love me?
Will he care for me?
Will our minds be in sync?
My heart, it posed a thousand questions,
each demanding to be answered first.

There he was beside the holy fire.
An arranged alliance it was,

I only saw him from photographs
They are still hidden under my pillow
I furtively stare at them often.
But he looked something different in real…

Handsome and gallant he looked,
Trustworthy and cordial was his demeanour.
Light played through the edge of his hair
and made him appear like a guardian angel.

Besotted, I was swept away by his charm.

Finally the auspicious moment dawned upon…

The incantation of dulcet mantras…
The flicker of holy fire…
The fragrance of incense sticks and camphor…
Lingered in the environs.

As the ember blazed in the flame…
He held my hand, the warm touch, firm yet gentle
Stealing glances I dared to look straight into his eyes for a moment
His sharp eyes conveyed it all—
Silent, incorporeal promises he seemed to make—

“I’ll overcome all odds
and embrace every adversity for your sake.
I’ll keep you happy, my bride”

Reassured I looked down
with blushing cheeks, to avoid his glance.
All my apprehensions and frisson
dissolved into oblivion.

My heart leaped out
thumping audibly in my chest…
As the 3 knots were tied
bonded with trust and love…
The 7 steps were trodden
around the flickering fire…
For I00 years of togetherness
and lifetime commitment…

Revolving around the flickering fire,
as he led me confidently,
I experienced an epiphany of marital bliss.

I offered a silent prayer—
“May this marriage last till eternity
I’ll treasure this permanent union
and vow to stand by my soul mate
during the various vicissitudes of life”

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Rants of a single life

Being single is like a double-edged knife. Weighing its pros and cons, here's a self analysis post.

Single life : A bane?

Being single has a lots of negatives. Firstly life is very dry,dull and dab. I feel jealous of all my friends who are committed. They are always happy and keep smiling for no reason. I wonder if it has something to do with their boyfriends.

1)They excitedly run to their phones when it rings hoping it would be their bfs. While, I get annoyed and curse my mobile when it rings, only to disturb me.
They giggle to themselves reading sms's from their bfs and keep messaging very frequently, feeding their bfs with information of what they do every second.
"Hi hun! I just washd my face now. Wht's up wid u? Lotsa kisses. Muaaah."
They have an up-to-date knowledge of all network offers, like which network offers free sms's, free within network calls, 10 paise per minute calls, happy night free hours etc. They start getting worried if their mobile balance runs lower than Rs. 50. They go to the nearby grocery shop atleast twice a day for buying top-ups.
And me?
If I have balance in my phone, my roomies ask me if they can make calls with mine. I can't refuse also. So nowadays I don't bother to recharge.My balance even if it is at 20 paise, I heck don't give a damn.

2)One of my Bangalore friends is blessed with 2 boyfriends. A backdoor relationship. She says she can't remember what she said to each of them and gets confused often.
One day, her bf # 1, she and I went to Branded factory. When her bf was selecting an outfit, I saw he had the vote ink dot on his index finger. I asked him to which party he voted for. I have respect for people who use their vote franchise.
A week after that we went out with her bf # 2. While he was waving to us, I saw the vote dot on his finger too. I asked him the same question. My friend instantly blurted out, " How many times will you ask him?" He was bemused and said to her that it was the first time I was asking him. Their was a shock of realisation in her when she found him on the verge of getting doubt on her. Her bf # 2 is very suspicious. It was hard for me to control my laughter seeing them both. Then she regained, after he didn't seem to doubt anything. We both winked and found the whole thing funny later.

But the good thing is that she gets double of everything. Double gifts, double flowers, double love....

3)Remember the scene from 'jannat' where the girl stares into the window display of a ring. Emran walks into the showroom and breaks the window to get the ring for her.
Well, I stare at so many windows of so many showrooms at pretty much everything gloomily with a long face,unable to buy jewellery I like because I'm broke most of the times. I always wait for my Emran to come. Alas, there is no one to steal for me :(

4)On the way to my room, one night, I stopped at the grocery store to buy some items. Just then a boyishly handsome guy stepped into the shop. I only could stare at him with my jaw open. I was waiting for him to look my way. Maybe just one of my sharp killer looks will be sufficient to lay him. He didn't bother to look anywhere. He just walked into the shop, asked for airtel night balance recharge coupon, recharged his mobile and started speaking into his phone excitedly. My heart broke then into a 1ooo pieces! Surely he was already committed. That explains the night balance.

5) My friends choose spending time with their bfs rather than spending with me. Everyone in the hostel go out somewhere or the other with their lovers and I am left alone in the room :(

My roomie once was very generous to take me out along with her bf. So we went to Metropolis mall in threesome.
But I regretted going out with them. I was like a hurdle in their path for romance. They were searching for chances secretly for kissing etc etc, whenever I turned the other way. I felt very embarrassed and cheap to come along with them only to spoil the fun for them. Later in the elevator, they found a private space. They made an excuse that they needed to buy something. They made me wait down at the coffee shop. The guy offered to buy me a pastry so that I would be engaged while they go to the elevator to do their thing. I knew what trick was playing in their mind.I was so irritated at them to keep me waiting that I intentionally selected the most expensive pastry on the menu. My friend's bf just gulped and silently paid the bill and sat me down alone at the table. I was so sure that he scolded her gf that she brought me along. I was a pain in 'there' to them. But I got my revenge. Why bother to invite me when they wanted to spend intimate moments?

6) I went with 2 of my friends along with their bfs to Mc D. We girls were thirsty and hungry . We waited while the guys went to order for us.The guys got glasses of water and burgers for their respective girls but not for me. I realised I had to fetch water and food myself and joined the queue.

Single life : A boon?

1) I need not bother about what I wear. All my other friends, buy expensive branded clothes and dress up hours to impress their bfs. I pick up clothes from the streets and don't even bother to check into the mirror when I get ready.
At this point, I always have an argument with my friend. She disagrees with me and points out that singles need to take extra care for dressing to impress and lay a guy for entering into relationship.

2)My bank balance always grows. I don't spend money on cell phone bills, greeting cards, gifts, flowers etc. I buy for myself.

3) I need not remember important dates like the day of proposal, his birthday, the day of first kiss, the day of first.....

4) I live my life by my own rules. Nobody dominates me. Some of my friends have bossy bfs.

5) I have a pleasant night's sleep. Rest of my friends wake up all night, shaking away their sleep to call their lovers, using the night balance.

I still can't resolve my dilemma. Is it a bliss or a curse?

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Skulls and skeletons

I wake up from the eternal sleep
staring into inky blackness.
Can't bear the stifling putrid stench
trapped in the stale stinking air.

Shock engulfed I sniff to realise
that it is me emanating the foul reeking odour.
I run my frail fingers
with long inches of dirty unclipped nails
beneath thousands of dainty unkempt braids,
my face hung slack, bloated and pale,
scarred and wounds untended,
the skin loosening and wilted from within,
gaunt eyes sunken into sockets,
bones, sinew and brawn exposed.

A bare perishing corpse is all I am now,
stripped off attire and aspirations,
shivering in the cold of the chilled stagnant air
embodied in filthy green moss and strings of cobwebs.
The organic remains of my body
mingling into clay and sand.
Bugs, worms and infesting viruses
crawling and creeping into my skin
and eating my insides.

My body might have aged, but did my soul?
Lying still and helpless in the lugubrious coffin,
brooding in impermeable onyx I reminisce,
digging into the glints of dwindling memories.
Vague flashes of images stream across
of how life once used to be--
I chased surreal dreams
But now, in the end they didn't even matter.
My dreams died unfulfilled
along with my mortal self.

My perennial soul refuses to cease existing.
Trapped in the decomposing dead body
windowless and numbed
to the perceptions of the outside world
unaware of the colours to see,
of music to hear, of textures to feel,
of savours to taste and aromas to smell.
I wriggle to be released, to rise up dead.
and break open the lid of the coffin
to realise my unfulfilled dreams.
But I don't find my spine and legs
All that I have is a rusted, crippled body
decaying little by little with a gordy odour.

The very blood that once coursed
through my iridescent veins
providing my every inch with life,
now clotted and caked,
turned a shade of stygian brown,
and froze in timeless age.

Residing in the murky dark hole of 6 feet coffin
I experience veiled in the
hollowed gravity of infernal hell,
that is sucking me into a pin-point hole.
Loneliness grips me,
tearing my already shredded self.
Pitch darkness consumes me ,
killing my already dead body.

My name now that nobody utters nor remembers,
is confined to the faded etchings of the tombstone marble.
'Rest in peace' it is engraved.
But regret, grief, sorrow return to claim
my life and peace even after my survival.
Neglected by loved ones who have forgotten me,
they pushed me into deepest corners of their memories.
I spend my time waiting for the reverberance of footsteps
of someone coming to offer me flowers.
Alas, the obliterated path to the graveyard is oblivious.

I feel pain but not the physical pain,
because I don't have a body anymore.
Not even the emotional pain
because I don't have a heart neither a mind.
It's rather an inexplicable crunching pain
radiating from where once my heart was
to the debilitated extremities.

I hear ghostly cries in the cemetery
of other spirits like me hauling
and pleading to be let out,
to seek revenge against those who live
unconcerned and indifferent to our deaths.
Rage gushing and spurting out my crumbled body
I break free of the corpse in resurrection
and join my brotherly souls and zombies.
Armed by axe and daggers in the spooky full-moon light...
we bellow together like a pack of wild hounds...
and vow to haunt and plague all the living...
and scare them to death.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Turning Over A New Leaf

I sat down on the steps beside the lake, in a hope that the serenity of the nature would bring tranquility and solace to my perturbed mind. As I gingerly dipped my feet into the cool water, many fish surrounded to tickle my feet with their pouting mouths.

I was immersed reminiscing those days.

We were happy together.

Or, atleast, I was.

We made many promises.

Only to be broken later.

He cheated me. He betrayed my love.

As I disembarked the flight from US, my heart raced and my eyes pined for the sight of him. I was disappointed that he didn't turn up at the airport to receive me. I went to his home expectantly. The world spun dizzily as he shut the door on my face. I was devastated to learn that he was committed to some other girl in my absence. He said he was frustrated with the long-distance love. He accused me that I wasn't any near to him and left him alone at the time he needed me.

Our love melted with the miles that stretched to part our hearts. All those days I was away from him, I desperately waited for the moment of reunion and never gave a thought to any other man.
I thought our love was strong enough to endure the separating distance.

I was wrong.

He just didn't love me enough.

How do I tell my parents to stop my engagement with some other man?

I will get married soon against my wishes.

But how could I forget him?

Won't this twinging pain crunching my heart subside?

Interrupting my thoughts, a gust of breeze blew creating whirls in the lake. Leaves from the Maple tree, adjacent to the lake, fell from the twigs and with a ruffling noise, landed on the water.

I watched as a brown-tinted, withered leaf swirled on the water surface and after some time disappeared to the depths of the lake without any trace.
Another tender green leaf floated on the surface creating ripples which emanated from center and along with the water current flowed towards me.

I bent down to take the green leaf from the water. As I stared towards the leaf, holding it by its stalk, my gaze shifted to something moving behind the image of the leaf.

I saw my fiancé coming towards me, with a smiling face from the other end of the lake.

I saw it as a start to many more newer beginnings.

I smiled and waved to him as he sat down beside me.

I held the leaf close to my heart as I talked to him for the first time properly, pushing away my past.

After I got to know him, I realized that he was everything that I wanted my life partner to be.

I treasured the leaf which brought novel hopes into my life, inside the pages of my diary.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Going Under

The wintry breeze gave goosebumps on her pale skin. A morbid aura of pervasive petulance, mingled with the faint fragrance of tender palms, hung in the air giving her a dizzy feeling. The salt laden misty sprinkles from below the sea sprayed on her face. The rocks on the barren cliff were so vitreous that she could see the image of her despondent self reflecting from them.

The environs came to a standstill, frozen in time and space, segregated from the rest of the world- a world where so called happiness lived and lips curved into a smile. Everything was so eerily silent and dead, far removed from serenity. A state of spine-chilling spookiness prevailed scaring her heart thumping audibly in her chest. Her breaths were shallow, and laborious. Her palms felt sweaty. Her legs quivered with uncertainty and frisson. She constantly mangled her fingers with tension. All she could hear was the rickety twitter of the crickets leaping on the barren rocks and the violent roar of the waves splashing against the foothills of the cliff.

The ball of gleaming full moon looked down on her, consoling her heart, heavy with imbued grief. Her angelic white gown swayed in tune with the splashing waves and wavered in rhythm of the flowing breeze. Gloominess was evident everywhere—her white laced gown, her as-pale-as-snow face and the white milky moon competed with each other for the highest intensity of lifeless white.

The cliff adjoining the Bay-of-Bengal was deserted that night or any other night or at any other time of the day as a matter of fact. The cliff was claimed to be one of the most dangerous and precarious suicide spots with slippery pinnacles, steep peaks and lurking ghosts of the grave. The sea beneath contained unfathomable depths and swallowed greedily into its womb, those willing to sacrifice themselves, stiffing them mercilessly in the undulating layers of waves and tossing them sadistically in the escalating and ebbing tides.

She went to the edge of the cliff gingerly and carefully, pulling up her gown. Confusion gripped her mind and made her doubt her every leading step towards the edge. The pebbles underneath her stilettos slipped and she was about to skid off almost into the merciless sea. But she quickly gained control of her balance and sat down on the rock with frantic fright. Her heart pulsated loudly breaking the eerie silence and her heaving breaths dominated the uproar of the waves of the boisterous sea.

Not yet! God, I’m not ready yet! I need time.

It took a lot of convincing of herself to undertake this – sacrificing into the sea. She had a deep inflicted hysteria of vertigo. But she amassed all her courage for that and she was convinced.But not yet. She needed some more time.

She held her hand against her heart to feel the reverberating beats. The diamond ring brushed against her silky laces and rustled. She glimpsed her ring finger and the image of her ring surged her into a maze of retrospective memories of her past filled with love and colour. Life was so beautiful then, as if there were rose-hue tinted shades on her eyes through which she gazed the myriad coloured vibrant world.

“Will you marry me?”

“ Hell ! Ya !!”

And then he slipped the ring on her tender, long fingers. She brought the ring close to her eyes and the sparkle of the ring glistened in her already diamond -studded eyes.

But that was then - another era, and altogether different life and time. Now, all she sees is black - black rose, black rainbow, black sky, black moon, black everything, as if the world is stripped off its pigments of colour. The heavens claimed his life and she was left all by herself battling against life, succumbing to despair and loneliness in this pretty rotten world.

She shivered out of vacillating dilemma over such a bold attempt than out of the bone-biting chill.

The wind played with her cascading tresses. She looked up into the moonlit sky and momentarily saw the image of her departed soul-mate as an angel surrounded by a halo. The vast expanse of the sea spread in front of her and stared back with harsh strangeness.Unknown perils lingered in its depths. The blue sea was unending till her eyes could glance, and at the farthest end, its outline touched the fringe of the horizon and mingled into the sky of the universe as one entity. The mountains of the valley stood majestically around the backdrop, in utter callousness and hostility. The rocks and sand on the cliff resembled the barren land of craters of the moon.

She needed a more convincing reason for her attempt. She thought heaven must be so beautiful that the dead preferred living there to returning to this world. That’s where her lover was gone, probably drinking nectar and dancing with fairies.

Yes, that was a reason enough to be convinced. And she was ready. There were no more apprehensions and regret in her. No more looking back. It was only the vast sea that lay in front of her.
She took a deep breath and sighed. Perhaps she should go down the memory-lane and recollect of whatever faint streaks of colours that was left in her life. She wanted to contemplate, and remember happy moments out of her dusty archives of life chronicles. She tried hard. But all she could see was black. The part of the brain which registered those happy moments became cold and necrotic now. It refused to unlock memories. She rather concentrated on what lay ahead.

She closed her eyes, got up from the rock and went to the farthest end of the cliff. She opened her eyes and looked down. She was not afraid anymore. Now, closing her eyes was no longer necessary. She was brave enough to face it with open eyes.

She bent forward, raised her hand towards her, removed the ring adorning her finger and without any second thoughts, threw it into the open sea. The ring took a long time on its flight down the steep cliff, and disappeared beyond her sight. But she could imagine, the splashy sound as the ring striked the water surface, cut through the waters and got submerged to the profound manifolds of the sea.

That was it. She felt light and free now. She turned back and slowly walked from the edge.
She saw the moon and the stars. They were white.
No more shades of black in her life.
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...