Saturday, December 19, 2009

Let me go

Why did you let me go?

Wasn't I a big fool? To not see how much you loved me? Your eyes were a testimony to the brightly flickering love your heart contained for me. I ridiculed your love. I guess I took your love for granted. Like the ever punctual sun which rises at daybreak without fail. I overlooked the fact that clouds can clog the sun rays to streak through and give rise to perpetual darkness. Worse still, polar sky doesn't see advent of dawn as sun sinks below the horizon during winter solstice.You were my eyes, providing rose hued perspective to perceive the beauty of the world. And there I was, blind to even something right in front of me and pristinely visible, as the unconditional love you showered on me.

You didn't for once hesitate to entrust your heart---the vitality of existence, to me. But there I was, pinching the very same heart which loved me.

I was on a mission to lament on your every move, trying to pick out errors and reproaching at your otherwise too perfect character. I made it a point to torment you, and make your life a virtual inferno. You tolerated stoically saying not one word against me. You overlooked all my mistakes and held nothing against me. There was not a wee bit decrement in your irrefragable love for me.

I openly showed my growing disinterest towards you. I deliberately dissented with you,argued at every possible word you said and quarrelled over trivial matters. Anything to show that you were unwelcome now and that I needed you no longer. All those times, you stood mum and submissive, supporting my ridiculous point of view though you knew I was being illogical.

I did see you when you were alone and all by yourself, you would cry heartfully wondering at what might have possibly gone wrong with our relationship. Wasn't it just yesterday that I promised my love will be eternal, and will stand the test of time? And today I forget my own promise I made to you.I saw your eyes replete with tears unable to see my love diminish for you. You would blame yourself,ascribing my change in behaviour as your own fault rather than sensibly reasoning to my own sadism. Watching you shed tears, I would smirk that my whole plan to get rid of you was working.

You were there for me, when I went on risking my life seeking precarious adventures and chasing after false vanity.

When I ventured into the sea of storm, you were my harbour keeping me safe after ship-wreck.

When I was gasping for air, drowning in the dark waters, you were my breath and respite.

Eventually you saw that I was no longer happy with you. It disheartened you to finally come to terms that you were not the one for me. You realised that the relationship has gone far beyond the threshold that anyone could mend. You stepped back, retreated far away from my sight and from your heart-of-hearts wished that I find true love and everlasting happiness elsewhere

But now i ask you ....why did you let me go?

Even after all these years, I could not find anyone who would selflessly love back as you could. You realised that you were not the one for me. But you know what? I was not the one for you. I was a fool to reject your love

Now, I want to come to you, plead you to forgive me and accept me back. But then it dawns upon me, that it's too late. Our relationship has really gone beyond the threshold that anyone can mend.

It was a foolish thing to have you let me go. To be the reason of my own downfall. I conspired to free myself from the shackles of your protective arms. I thought it was your heart that I crushed. But it was my own heart that I stabbed and now it is bleeding profusely.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Sinking ship

You are at the cross roads of life...

Paths-a-many lay in front of you...

You are clueless as to what to choose...

Do you know that feeling?

I feel it right now. And it stifles me.I'm here at the most crucial juncture of my life...where I need to make this one quick decision and save my whole life from tumbling and crashing down.

Once I decide there's no changing it. Or swapping it with something else. It's final. No time for regrets. No time to analyse if I've taken the right step or not.

I'm afraid when I think of the consequences. What if I falter and tread in the wrong road? On the road not meant for me...the road winding and curving into deeper darker abyss...taking me into unknown where I shouldn't have been. What if there's no light? What if there's darkness consuming me? What if there's no air to breathe? What if it is full of enemies and hostility ready to tear me down?

What if.....??

There are two main roads (many other smaller bifurcations which I can overlook--

One-- This is where my heart is. My love depends on it. My soul drags me into it headlong....and I am afraid if I will make a bumpy collision. For I don't know what awaits me. I am not even sure why my heart is being pulled towards it- into a place too dark where I can't see the end.So many conditions and practical considerations for achieving 'it'. But my heart says 'nothing else matters' and ' I don't care'.Tougher one also. For it is long and I need to sweat to toil it. But the fruits are sweeter eventually. If everything goes according to plan , then I am going to be the happiest in the world. The question is : will everything go according to plan? So there's a lot of uncertainty about it. It is based on so many impractical and irrational factors.

And then there's road TWO--The easier one. The sensible one also.Perhaps? Quick and comforting. But I know I won't be happy. I just know it. My heart will feel suffocated. It's far...too far actually. And I'm not too sure of it. Nobody I know has taken it. Do I overlook my heart's cries for desperate help when I choose this road? Should I stab my heart and turn a deaf ear to it? It actually is easier to not heed my heart. For to listen to its howling bothers me more. I might as well lock it and throw it somewhere. Oh crap, I might as well slash my wrists and make my heart to stop thumping. Do I venture far out in the desert where I know not one friendly soul just because it gives me momentary pleasure and pleases my vanity? For how long do I keep wandering in search of the oasis?

And then there's time constraint breathing on my neck, with that annoying tick-tick sound bothering me and preventing me from thinking clearly. People await my decision ...their constant gaze is on my foot wondering where I will step on.

I feel like an aimless sinking sink. A ship on the verge of a wreck, just awaiting and counting seconds before ramming into the ice-berg. I'm doomed anyway.No particular destination to report to... just aimlessly wandering and being carried by the dictating waves. My decision alters with the changing winds. Even faster than the bat of an eyelid. I'm unsure of 'it'...of myself...of my future....of my love....of my life....of people around...of why the bloody hell I was born in the first place?????

But then I can't just sit here and wait, while weighing my options and making a fool of me.
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