Thursday, December 10, 2009
You are at the cross roads of life...
Paths-a-many lay in front of you...
You are clueless as to what to choose...
Do you know that feeling?
I feel it right now. And it stifles me.I'm here at the most crucial juncture of my life...where I need to make this one quick decision and save my whole life from tumbling and crashing down.
Once I decide there's no changing it. Or swapping it with something else. It's final. No time for regrets. No time to analyse if I've taken the right step or not.
I'm afraid when I think of the consequences. What if I falter and tread in the wrong road? On the road not meant for me...the road winding and curving into deeper darker abyss...taking me into unknown where I shouldn't have been. What if there's no light? What if there's darkness consuming me? What if there's no air to breathe? What if it is full of enemies and hostility ready to tear me down?
There are two main roads (many other smaller bifurcations which I can overlook--
One-- This is where my heart is. My love depends on it. My soul drags me into it headlong....and I am afraid if I will make a bumpy collision. For I don't know what awaits me. I am not even sure why my heart is being pulled towards it- into a place too dark where I can't see the end.So many conditions and practical considerations for achieving 'it'. But my heart says 'nothing else matters' and ' I don't care'.Tougher one also. For it is long and I need to sweat to toil it. But the fruits are sweeter eventually. If everything goes according to plan , then I am going to be the happiest in the world. The question is : will everything go according to plan? So there's a lot of uncertainty about it. It is based on so many impractical and irrational factors.
And then there's road TWO--The easier one. The sensible one also.Perhaps? Quick and comforting. But I know I won't be happy. I just know it. My heart will feel suffocated. It's far...too far actually. And I'm not too sure of it. Nobody I know has taken it. Do I overlook my heart's cries for desperate help when I choose this road? Should I stab my heart and turn a deaf ear to it? It actually is easier to not heed my heart. For to listen to its howling bothers me more. I might as well lock it and throw it somewhere. Oh crap, I might as well slash my wrists and make my heart to stop thumping. Do I venture far out in the desert where I know not one friendly soul just because it gives me momentary pleasure and pleases my vanity? For how long do I keep wandering in search of the oasis?
And then there's time constraint breathing on my neck, with that annoying tick-tick sound bothering me and preventing me from thinking clearly. People await my decision ...their constant gaze is on my foot wondering where I will step on.
I feel like an aimless sinking sink. A ship on the verge of a wreck, just awaiting and counting seconds before ramming into the ice-berg. I'm doomed anyway.No particular destination to report to... just aimlessly wandering and being carried by the dictating waves. My decision alters with the changing winds. Even faster than the bat of an eyelid. I'm unsure of 'it'...of myself...of my future....of my love....of my life....of people around...of why the bloody hell I was born in the first place?????
But then I can't just sit here and wait, while weighing my options and making a fool of me.