Retrospecting from a distant future point in timeline I can say that what I did was completely wrong. Standing where I am today I can for sure blame the reason of the events of the past on me. But why didn’t I even have inkling then that my future self will regret the mistakes my past-self did. I get far-fetched and crazy thoughts in desperation to make everything alright again. Maybe I should use a time-machine and undo that event? Maybe I should invent an analyse-o-metre to guard me against doing such awful and silly mistakes again?
Maybe my sense of premonition that was supposed to warn me about ensuing threats to relationships was numbed at that time.
As of today, I can say that a tiny misunderstanding creates the biggest voids in best of relations.
As of today, I can say that relationships are fragile like glass. Pleasurable to have if handled carefully. But one reckless slip from your hand and you lose it all. A vitreous structure carved out elegantly now. A thousand gleaming pieces next. Only tiny shreds of glass strewn on the floor remain to reminisce the beauty of it. But pick up a piece of it , and there it gives a nasty cut on the hand as a reprimand that you were reckless enough to let it go, and make it crash tumbling to the floor only when you thought you had it all and owned it completely.
If I could ever write a book on this then I would christen the title as ‘the two mistakes of my life’.
One -imagining rubbish and squashing down a beautiful gift of love and friendship with my own hands. I remember every Christmas, I would write to Santa, that I be given someone to share and care. It was there right in front of me but I was foolish enough to let my egos blind my way. She moved on, but I couldn’t.
Two - Not trying to break the ice after I argued with Neil and being egotistic to say sorry on time. The stance of being not in talking terms stretched for too-a-long time and now it doesn’t even matter to my friend that I don’t talk to him at all. He was used that way…of me being non-existent and ignoring him completely. He doesn’t care anymore now. He thinks I don’t care too. But the truth is I do. Very much.
What all can I do now? I can regret. I can cry. Alas I don’t have a heart brave enough to say that word.
I know things will be mended and will fall back into place with that one tiny but powerful word.
It is true. Sorry seems to be the hardest word.