Friday, October 5, 2012

The wedding woes



My parents could not wait to get rid of me see me settled in the name of marriage. The constant nag of my parents made me break down like the soggy-runny-dal in the pressure cooker that they prepare in my hostel mess and I finally gave them a green signal to hunt down for prospective grooms.

But they are having a hard time in the matrimonial search as I set my preferences sky-high, that they are impossible to be possessed by any one ordinary man. Only a vampire like Edward or a Greek God like Hercules might fit the bill. The longer I delay, the longer I can enjoy my single-hood and freedom.

My father pesters me to learn devotional songs and cook culinary dishes and be ready to showcase my prowess of complete home management plus entertainment package, to the groom’s family on the day of 'match-seeing'. Seriously, if the groom wants to listen to music, why can’t he buy a damn I-pod like I did? My dad is asking me to watch my weight and skip sweets till marriage. Even after having an account for six months in Bharathmatrimony.com I couldn't finalize on a match. My dad was cross at me saying registering there is nothing but a waste of money if I won’t relax my criteria and paid cash again to renew the account for another six months.

My mother spread the word like fire in our apartment, among her friends and our relatives. So all of them, milkman and watchman included, constantly ask her when they will be able to hear the wedding bells. She told the milkman to be ready with extra supply of milk as any day I might get married. Aunties who come to our home don’t leave without suggesting suitable boys they know, like of their sister’s brother-in-law’s cousin’s neighbour’s friend’s son. The hot topic of conversation for my mother to talk on phone is my marriage. She doesn't end the call without asking to suggest well-educated boys from good background and the person at the other end comes up with two or three boys about whom she jots down in her special ‘prospective matches book’. Oh yes! She is specially maintaining a book for noting down the bio-data of grooms.  Near and dear ones enquire my mom about good news if any and my mom looks at me and sighs with a long face. I am sure all our relatives are beginning to wonder if I am a cursed spinster whose horoscope has doshas  and shanis as they call us to offer suggestions to perform graha-shanthi -poojas  and sympathetically offer advice that groom-hunt is a pious mission and that it will take atleast an year to finalize the match. I have begun to avoid relatives like plague.

Even the priest in the temple near-by knows that I have reached a marriageable age and he advised my mother to do Swarna Gauri Vratam which is supposed to confer heaven’s blessings to marry me off sooner without any obstacles.

Once or twice some nice guys did come my way.

Education, job, salary-Check.  Looks,height,complexion-Check.

Caste, sub-caste-Check.  Gothra, Nakshatra, Rasi- Check.

Family background- Check.  Computer horoscope compatibility-Check.

The profile of one guy did manage to successfully cross all these filters. But then, there was another mega filter. My mother took the horoscope of that boy to an astrologer and he contemplated it with utmost seriousness and pronounced that we are not compatible according to some distant stars and planets and that troubles and hardships will constantly crop up claiming peace in our relationship. So that put an end to that prospective profile then-and-there.

Everything in our home is being linked up to my wedding even though it is atleast a year away.  If the tailor is late to deliver my mother’s stitched clothes, she scolds her saying, ‘My daughter’s marriage will be fixed soon. What will she wear on the mandap if you won’t deliver stitched blouses on time like how you did now?’ Or if the servant-maid doesn't dust the ceiling properly she goes, ‘My daughter will be married soon. How can I trust you with decorating the aangan with mango leaves at the time of marriage? Will you clean the house in this same manner when the guests turn up for wedding?’ A couple of tiles of the marble flooring in our dining-hall broke open and so she urges dad everyday to get it repaired immediately, as according to her,at any time the groom's family might turn up for lunch to eat the dishes I made and assess my cooking skills. She got a huge discount in the jewellery shop after she said – ‘ If you be conjoos in reducing the price even by a few hundred rupees, how can you expect me to give you the order of designing wedding jewellery for my daughter. She will be married in a few weeks. You know, you have been our jewellers for years and I will trust no one else for such an auspicious purpose. So be considerate and give me a discount now’.

Once we went to a discount mela of saris in Kalanjali showroom to purchase saris for the wedding (which we already knew was a long time away). Seeing one expensive sari my mother exclaimed loudly, ‘This Kanjeevaram sari is so grand! This so will be the sari I will wear during your wedding!’ This the shopkeeper heard and guessed that my mom would be a promising customer and upturned his whole showroom patiently and painstakingly unfolded 100+ saris in front of us. My mom after a very long debate to choose what-and-what, finally decided upon two saris for her and one for me despite the shopkeeper constantly urging her to take more- what aunty ji? Your daughter’s wedding and you settle on only this! You both should deck in a new sari for every two hours for such an once-in-a-lifetime occasion!’

Later on, my mom already wore all those saris for parties and festivals ( Varalaxmi vratam, Gauri vratam, Ganesh chaturthi …..) without saving them for the wedding. Time and again she asked funds from my dad to buy expensive saris on the pretext of my wedding. But then, she kept them for herself and could not resist beyond a couple of days without wearing them! My mom and her fad for new saris!

40 comments:

  1. Hilarious. One of the best posts I read in recent times. Without knowing your age, I don't know whether to support you or your mom. But this horoscope stuff is pure waste. Me and my wife have same nakshthram. In the horoscope business, this is a foremost No No. We are happily married.

    I am sure you will like two of my posts written on Sep 13 & 16, 2009, titled Random Thoughts About Marriage Part 1 and 2. This deals mainly with Tamil marriages. Please read and let me know. Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Even I know believing horoscope is a blind superstition.

      But my parents lecture me about so many marriages which failed as they dismissed the compatibility reports of horoscopes. My parents strongly believe in it and I will have no say in it.

      I want to keep my parents happy and listen to them!

      Delete
    2. Hahahahah! Super post. By the way, it's April 2014, so any new updates? ;-)

      Delete
  2. ROFL!!

    A huge same pinch for this Aparna.. I know how exactly this feels but I simply fail to understand what is the whole fuss about as if we are the only unmarried ones left on this earth!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glad we are sailing in the same boat! Thanks for reading!

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  3. Loved reading it, the The Great Indian Wedding has always fascinated me. In the end its your choice that matters, you are the only one who has to live with him for years, not the astrologer nor anyone.

    Awesome post.:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, my parents will bring some proposals and I have to choose the one I like among them. I know they will let me have the final say.

      Delete
  4. lol all the best for coming days :P

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  5. So the search begins, wish you all the very best!
    I remember searching for our daughter through the Tamilmatrimony.com, it took a long time for we didn't like any of the boys, finally we took her off from the paid category and just continued with the free one.
    But when things have to fall in place they will somehow or other, and a person came into her life through this very site and they were married some 3 years back.They are really made for each other, God bless them.
    Our son is on the look out for a good bride his profile too was put in the same site , but nothing good turned up, and he insisted that we don't even have the free thing and got his profile out of that site.
    However, I truly believe that when things have to happen they will happen, and stopped worrying about his marriage.
    It is the same story with every boy and every girl.
    I really enjoyed this blog of yours.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for reading! Glad you enjoyed the post.

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  6. Awww! Aparna you will be soon married... ♥ break!

    BTW, I think your mom is totally funny! You are so lucky never mind the pinch in your dad's pocket.

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  7. Well begun is half done.
    I enjoyed reading the humorous post

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  8. I don't know if it happens at your place, but down South there is a strange practice of giving a commission to the relative who 'fixes' the marriage. I am fine if brokers want a commission, it's their job. But relatives looking at a prospective match only based on the 'commission' factor seems nonsensical to me. There is one more thing - Parents 'fix' astrologer's readings. Yes, it happens. You should be aware of the possibility.

    Destination Infinity

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Relatives acting as brokers...that's too bad.

      I have heard that parents give extra points for horoscopes of marriages between relatives(like a girl marrying mom's brother)

      Delete
  9. Hilarious! :) Your words flow like that runny daal you mentioned! :D

    Ours was a love marriage, and still, they checked the horoscope and stuff. It did say that we'll fight a lot, but all's well, although we do nag each other quite a lot! :)

    Good luck with the groom-hunt! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Personally I don't believe in horoscopses too.

      Love marriage huh? Wow...

      Delete
  10. Iam undergoing almost the same experience.. Horoscope horoscope horoscope!! Reminds me if vidya balan's entertainment entertainment entertainment :P

    Very well written blog post!! Good luck with the "HUNT" :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glad we are sailing in the same boat! Thanks for dropping by Anu!

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  11. Hey Aparna,

    Just read a few posts on this blog and its very addictive :) Easy on the reader and very entertaining :) Keep writing!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Haha..Quite hilarious post. :D

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  13. hahaha...good one. Good luck with the guy hunt..:)

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hi...I stumbled on your blog from SG's blog...

    Wedding woes...I know those ... I am in the same boat and similar experiences to share...difference being away from home help...so totally avoid loads of questions, stares and all others...but yet everything is linked to my wedding!

    Well I just realised...we share more than just our name... ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi aparna :)

      You are lucky, you're staying away. Trust me neighbours and relatives give a hard-time.

      Delete
  15. very well written
    full of fun and realistic picture of Indian families

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! What can I say...my mom is funny!

      Delete
  16. nice one he he he he :) enjoyed reading the post .. all the best for evetrything :)


    Bikram's

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  17. Replies
    1. Loved your recipes in your food blog! Thanks for reading!

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  18. First tym.... I m at ur blog.. And so nyc post.... Everyone at this age.. Phase this situation.....!!! Nd u put ur view so nyc...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wondering when I will pass from this situation!

      Thanks for dropping by!

      Delete
  19. First time here. In a few years, you will reminisce about these moments. Its all part of the process. Enjoy it and don't get frustrated. All the best and take it easy ;)

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  20. i like the way wedding vows have become wedding woes! to end all these things, the best thing is to fall in love. ah, keeping in mind your 'high standards,' i am thinking of the guy! well, everything will happen in its time. until then, enjoy being single and hassle-free.

    joy always,
    susan

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  21. A very hilarious post!!! The i0pod bit was priceless! :D

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Please be nice :)

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