Signed, sealed and delivered

Dear Love of the future,

Where are you? Why didn't you find me yet? Every night I lay in the corner of my room, on the cozy bed and look out of the window waiting for you. I think of a million questions which whirl in the air around me demanding answers.

How do you look? I hope you look cute and boyishly handsome. Do you sing well? I want you to hold me and sing lullabies to me as I sleep blissfully knowing nothing can harm me if I laid in your arms. We can sing duets together also. I want you to teach me guitar. I'm so lazy to attend the music classes. I can't dance that well. That won't be a problem to you, would it?


I want you to love me for who I am and not someone prettier or smarter. I'm a little shy, timid and nervous. Please don't mind that. When we bump into each other the first time, I might be bad at breaking the ice. I'm not so good with new people. But as I will get to know you, I won't be able to stop chatting. I can get so talkative without a break. Will you listen to me attentively or just pretend so like all my friends do?

Please say 'I love you' to me very often. I need to be assured from my insecurities. Please compliment on my outfits and say I look good everyday because I am a sucker for compliments. Oh and I should say that when I blush out of shyness or cry or laugh too much, my face goes pink and my eyes get small.

Please be patient with me when we go shopping. Don't expect me to pay the bills when we go on a date because for some unknown reasons I always run low on cash. And also, I will give only missed calls because I am a miser when it comes to mobile balance. Please promptly call me back then. Actually call me very, very frequently like 4 or 5times or even more in an hour.


 I hate non-veg. So don't expect company from me when we head to Mc Donald's.I don't understand cricket. So it won't be fun for you if you are planning to watch IPL together with a witty girl with whom you can discuss and comment on the game moves, the cricketers and all. But I want to impress you. So I will ask my friend tomorrow to tutor me on cricket.

I hope you listen to the same kind of music like I do and read same kind of novels like I do. I want you to share my interests when it comes to books and music. It would be fun, to lay down on the couch and discuss about a common favourite band or our favourite author's upcoming book.

Can we build a tree house by the side of the sea and live secluded from the rest of the world? I need all the privacy in the world! Can we keep puppies as pets honey? My room mate's boy friend hates dogs. I hope you don't think the same. Please gift me two cute Lhasa dogs for my birthday this time. I have thought of their names also-- pebble and bubble.


Don't forget to wish me on my birthday. Be the first one to call me right at the break of 12. Let me tell you that I get really hurt when people forget my birthday. It's a touchy subject for me. It hits me on my nerves. So set a mobile reminder or something, and remember about it.

Don't ask me that we go together for a horror and scary psycho thrillers in the theatre. I get so scared you know. When my friends ask me to come for a horror movie, I can't refuse because they call me a chicken and poke fun on me in the entire class. So I'm left with no other choice than to shiver uncontrollably and close my eyes during the entire film. They get disgusted when I scream or cry also. I hope atleast you will understand me and take me out to those girly, frilly, romantic chick flicks. You know, the ones that guys don't normally relate to. Oh, I will let you go watch all those scary movies with your bunch of friends.


I hope you have a good physique. I hate fat people. Do you head to gym everyday? Naina's bf has gained weight recently and they look like beauty and beast together.

I won't ask you for all your time. I will give you your space, time and privacy. I won't panic that you broke up with me, even if it's a week that you called me. I will just reason that you are doing so because you are really busy. But I would be happy if you did call saying so.

I hope you will love me more than I could possibly love you. Please promise me that nothing would make your love waver or diminish for me. I hope it can get stronger by days and endures the test of time. Don't ever hurt me. I'm so sensitive and die-hard romantic when it comes to love. For me love is all about commitment and dedicating one's life solely to lover. You must think I read too many cheesy novels and watch romantic movies. But I believe in fairy tales. Can we live one together and happily ever after?

I am a dreamer and a very imaginative person. I believe in building castles and fantasies in the air. I want you join me in these fantasies and make them real and tangible.

Don't break my dream and fantasy. Don't call our relationship quits no matter what. If you happen to fall out of love from me, then deceive me, cheat me. Don't let me know that you are going on with some other girl. As long as I don't know, it doesn't matter right? Act smart and concote some cock-and-bull stories if I find a lipstick mark on your shirt, or saw you kissing someone. I am very naive, so I'll definitely buy it. As long as I believe that I am the only one for you, even though it is false and lies, it doesn't matter right? I just want you to know that I want to be with you together and love you forever even if you don't love me back enough.

I've already planned the way we will bump into each other the first time. It's going to be surreal and romantic. Rose and lavender petals are going to drop out of nowhere from the sky, there would be warm breeze blowing , smooth music playing by in the background and everything will go at slow-motion. Time would freeze then and there. Surroundings would become stagnant. You and I will be the only ones moving. I run from this end and you from the other and I fall into your arms and you kiss me. Then you whisper me those three magical words I always wanted to be told.You know like how it happens in the movies. Like love at first sight. We meet, like each other and live together all our lives.



When will we meet? I am here waiting for you high up in the castle, shackled by the witch of unfortunes. I won't let my hair down, so get a ladder beforehand. I hope you are strong enough to fight this mighty ferocious dragon. Get a horse and be my knight in shining armour. And oh, make the horse a black one, and paint its saddle in pink so as to match the colour of my pink lacy robes. Did I tell you that pink is my favourite colour. What's your favourite colour?

The castle touches the sky, so we can dance on the fluffy clouds and pluck the stars after you rescue me.

Like I said I love fairy tales. Can we live one together?

Forever yours

x0x0

Lovelorned feelings

*Purely fictional*

I fiddle with my cellphone every moment, staring bleakly at it, wishing to hear your voice.

What will you be doing now?

Eating?

Sleeping?

Playing cricket?

Are you with some other girl?

Are you thinking about me like the way I do?
I dial the number.

988......234



But everytime it starts ringing I'm unsure of it and I cut the call.

I don't know why.

But I won't back off today. It's your birthday today. I've been waiting for this day more than you could have been waiting. This day that you were born is so special to me.

My fingers tremble as I clutch the cellphone in my hand. I don't have your number in my phonebook. I deleted it. Because everytime I see your name in the contacts, I feel pangs of pain. Everytime my phone rings, I silently hope the screen flashes your name. But you always disappoint me, don't you?

I don't need to save your number anyway. I know it by-heart. Every digit of it . I'll remember it after 50 years from now also, even if it goes out of service.

As I press each digit on the number pad, my heart races. Those 9 digits which belong to your phone. Just one press of the green button and I'll be connected to you and can listen to your voice.

988......234

With each ring, my uncertainty builds up. Will you receive me well? Will I be disturbing you? I wish that you won't answer the call in the first place and save me from any embarrassment. I will be jilted if you won't bother to speak well.


1st ring...

2nd ring...

3rd...

4th...

5th...

6th...

As I am about to hang up silently thanking god, I listen to your voice, sending jolts of electric tension all over me.

"Hello"

"Hi, What are you doing?"

"Who is this?"

Silence

" Oh yeah, you! I am fine"

"I wanted to wish you a very happy birthday. And..."

"Listen I'm very busy now. Partying and all. I'll catch you later tonight if you're awake."

"OK...but..."

And I find myself wondering, holding a dead connection.

Trying to pull away from me? That's good for you because I'm trying to get away from you too. Forget about me. I'm just one of those fools you stumble across in life. I've started to forget you. Maybe its good for me too. I really wished to have you as a lover and be with you for the rest of my life. Who cares about that now? My life is doomed anyway.

I wish I could turn back the globe to the day I met you, and undo it like it never happened. Erase that moment from the chronicles of time. If it never happened, then I wouldn't be suffering and pining for your love this way.

Or wish I could wipe you away from my memory. Let my brain become necrotic and I get liberated from your thoughts.

Like you never existed.

Like I never knew you.

Sure I would have missed all the fun in knowing a wonderful being like you. But more is the sorrow that such a wonderful being can't be mine.

I feel very sad. I feel lost. The ' what if ' feeling grips me and stifles me.

What if you could love me back?

What if you had the same feelings for me?

What if we could be together for all our lives ?

Maybe 30 years from now I'll feel silly at having loved you hopelessly though you didn't reciprocate. I might even laugh at myself and tell my grand children snippets of how obsessed I was about you and preserved everything related to you... your photos, the chocolate wrappers you threw, the spent-up pens you once used, the letters I wrote but never intended to post, your finger-prints on the screen of calculator you borrowed from me that I cherished before it got erased forever.

Maybe I would curse myself later in life about loving a man who didn't tad bother to look at my way more than thrice throughout my school life.

May be I'll be with some other man 30 years from now.

But who knows...?... that other man could be yourself.

Yeah, here's the damned romantic facet in me, hoping against hopes, against all odds that I am living to see the light of the day, somewhere in the not too distant future, when we would be together.

Even if we are not together, I'll fantasy about you. You will be the man of my dreams. Atleast you can't claim yourself from my fantasies.

In my dreams, we would be soul-mates and you'll love me more than I could love you back. That much that if I asked you how much you love me, you would stretch your hands wide to cover the unending sky implying that your love for me is infinite, eternal, selfless and unconditional.

I can only hope for that, shouldn't I?

Speaking Silence

Attempted the TAT prompt at this site. The concept was to write a story using this picture.

****************

There was no sign of her. He searched frantically for her everywhere.

Where could she have possibly gone and why?

And then he found a tear-strewn letter in her room.

Dearest,

I’ve seen you suffer enough. You are not happy with me anymore. I’m an onerous burden on you. You are tolerating me stoically.

I could see your muffled cries and sadness all the while. You thought I was blind to all that? I‘ve only gone dumb, not blind!

I’m not meant for you anymore. You deserve a better girl - someone who can sing duets along with you in a honey-laden voice. I’ve lost melody in my life. Life lost its melody to me.

Don’t look forward to me. I’ll be gone very far by the time you read this.

I want you to stay happy. And just remember that, out there in some corner of this world, a girl will be happy because you are happy.

With hugs and silent love **

He dropped the letter in utter disbelief. His world came to a standstill. His heart refused to pulsate anymore. Pangs of pain throbbed in his temple.

She’s the only one I ever wanted. She’s the reason I live. And she deserted me like this?

Before he knew his eyes welled up with tears and blotched the letter. Tears – droplets of emotion trickling from the vents of soul. A relief to bottled-up pain. So easily that they come, the harder they go. So hard to suppress, so hard to contain.

*********

How he used to love her silky voice- so mellow, soft-pitched and soothing to the ears! They would seldom sleep, whispering mushy, cheesy things and chuckling till late night. And ah! her chuckle – resonating and sugary sweet. They would laugh all day and never answer the calls. They were the inseparable love birds.

*********

That tragic day, where they met with an accident on the way to a trip, is still freshly etched in his innate memory. Not that he wanted to forget it. He wanted to remember it vividly and later levy payback from God.

God! Why did you have to do this to her? I'm grateful we survived the accident. But did you have to claim her voice in return?

The car tipped off the hairpin bend of the hillock. His door broke open and sent him tumbling down for a few feet into the valley. Shock engulfed her, pain radiated eccentrically from her heart, and she let out a screechy wail at the crest of her voice. Blood trickled from her mouth and she fainted.

He caught on to the branch of a tree and survived the accident.

He healed well, but she ruptured her vocal cords irreparably. No hope, the doctors said.

He could never hear her calling out his name anymore. Never could she talk, sing, joke, shout or tease. All that remained was her reverberating silence- a silence so dense that would pierce his ears and made his heart numb.

She would sit on the terrace all day and stare into nothingness, puffy-faced and eyes brimming with silent tears.

She forgot to smile. He forgot to smile.

Sometimes she would loudly squeak out in despair and wail endlessly, cuddling to herself. He would then take her in his arms, caress her tender lips and silence her by kissing them. And then he would look into those piercing eyes, which once sparked a twinkle; now they only bore an expressionless, rigid look of helplessness, pleading him to liberate her from the shackles of her world of spooky, numbing silence and a life so still and stagnant.

There were so many things she wanted to say, so many things he wanted to hear but...

******

I know of all the places where you could have possibly gone and I’ll find you. I’ll never let you go from my life.

The lake was her second home- so serene and pristine. That’s the only place where she could have gone to seek solace. The silence of the still waters and the tranquil peace of the environs reflected her silent soul- unhampered with noise and in sync and tune with eternal cosmic peace.




Yes, there she was. Tapping her feet in the icy cold water, reclining on the wooden footboard and staring into the vitreous blue waters of the lake in utmost harmony.


She heard his footsteps approaching towards her and wondered how he came to know about her whereabouts. He sat beside her and looked into her eyes questioningly.



She took out his pen and wrote an answer on the paper -

I know you long to hear an explanation. I know you pine to hear the words ‘I love you’ from me. I don’t want you to put up with me. You are obviously frustrated with my silence.



Of emotions unsaid.....
Of emptied conversations...
Of thoughts unshared...
Of words uncommunicated....


There’s a huge vacuum tearing us apart. I’m afraid one day, you’ll stop deciphering my silence and leave me. I wanted to end it all before you would.



He was moved with the letter and hugged her tightly, never letting her go.


He looked into her eyes. She looked back into his.


Their eyes connected.


Their hearts communicated.


They didn’t need a language.


Nor any word.


Nor a voice.


Music erupted from the deepest of their hearts.



Melody seemed tangible.



He seemed to convey without words -
“Crazy girl! How foolish of you to think that way! Never ever leave me. The next thing you know, I would do is end my life. You should know I am in intense love with you, no matter what. Don’t you know I love you so....?”



She seemed to say, “I love you too and ....”, and she couldn’t go on further. She was unable to contain how lucky she was to find such a caring soul-mate.


He looked at her passionately and filled his eyes with her image. Blushing, she held her head down.


She was so happy. He was so happy.

It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart

without saying a word, you can light up the dark

Try as I may I could never explain

what I hear when you don't say a thing

The smile on your face lets me know

that you need me...

There's a truth in your eyes

saying you'll never leave me...

The touch of your hand says

you'll catch me whenever I fall..

You say it best...when you say nothing at all.

Unsaid Emotions

My blogger friend Anwesh started a beautiful story and left the continuation to reader's own imagination. Here is Aersh's version, who is another of my blogger friend.

Unsaid Emotions

(Anwesh's beginning)

“He who never speaks out, never gains, never learns and never loves…”


********************************************
The cold current of water sprayed across the rocks and pebbles scattered haphazardly on the waterbed. The water touched those stones and then, brushed past her feet. Her naked feet. She leaned forward and touched the pristine – clear water, and felt it slip through her fingers. The evening was about to set in and there was a strange eerie feeling all around. All she could hear was the silent rapids of the Ganges splattering across.

He sat on a rock, constantly scratching it. Every now and then, he looked up… looked at her. And he would look down, and feel his heart melting and oh! So many things. This was the second week he sat here… just staring at her.

Do I love her… Do I tell her… What do I tell her?

As he scanned through these questions in his head, he saw her get up and come his way. He quickly slid behind the rock, and as usual, prayed and hoped that she didn’t see him. When he opened his eyes, he saw her standing in front of him.

She stared at him through those innocent blue eyes, and said, “You are…?”

“Oh, I am Sahaz”, he said, straightening up.

“I have never seen you here before. Come here often?”

I should have found a better spot to hide.

He scratched his head, looking anywhere but at her.

“Aah, yeah… Lovely spot you know. Water and rocks, and more water and more rocks…”

Damn it, control your stupidity.

“Anyways, am Sahaz.”

She sheepishly smiled and said, “Am Asin.”

Then, she opened her hair, which was so far tied loosely. She straightened them out and then said, “You live close by?”

“Not really. I live in the village behind that hill.” He pointed at a small village on his left side, glad to have an excuse for not looking at her angelic face.

They kept quite for a while. Then she said, “I am getting late. I have to go. I will see you some other time, okay?

”He didn’t hear anything, staring at her kept him too busy.

“Hello?”

“Oh, yeah. Okay, see you later.”

She disarmed a smile at him, “Bye!”

*******************************************

“You believe in love?”

“Me? Aah, I don’t know. Maybe…”

He kept staring at her.

“What? What are you staring at?”

“Do you know how beautiful you are?”

“You are just making fun of me, aren’t you?”

“You really think I would do that?”

(My continuation from here)

She didn’t answer. She just looked at him and smiled. The very smile he was besotted to.

Does she have any idea how much I love her?

**************************************************

The first rays of the morning sunshine kissed the waves. He was throwing pebbles in the water and waiting for her near the shore.

She is my first love.
But hers?

I won’t be able to live without her.
But she?

Everyday he resolved he would reveal his lovelorn feelings to her. Only he knew how excruciating it was to subside the intense love he had for her.
But he couldn’t gain enough courage. How could he, when he knew it wouldn’t work out? He was plain simple. She, an angelic beauty.

I don’t deserve her at all….look at me! She deserves someone better.

It was six in the morning. Time for her to come. He arranged his ruffled hair looking into his image in the pristine water.

Today is my last chance. It is now or never. I get dumbstruck when I face her. So I penned down all my feelings in a letter. I will give it to her today.

The pebbles he threw striked the surface with a splash, creating waves. He saw the reflection of her approaching him, wavering in the ripples.

“ Hi Sahaz”

“ Hi….umm…your dress…it’s blue. I like blue. Infact I love blue.”

God! Couldn’t I think of a better way of starting the conversation?

“Yeah, the colour of the Ganges.”

Go on, tell her that you love her

“Asin…”

“Yes.."

Silence

(trembling ) “ I …”

(with a raised eyebrow) “You..?”

” I love…”

“ Yes?”

I love you. Don’t you see it in my eyes? Don’t you see my heart throbbing for you?

“I love…I like…”

(getting impatient) “ umm…? “

His legs went numb. He couldn’t get those 3 simple words, which decided his life, out of his mouth.

“I like…I like your dress…blue dress.”

Damn!

“ I know. Thanks.”

Sensing he couldn’t say it out, he thought it was best to give her the love letter. He was about to give the letter….

“So what are your future plans? Hmm… what is that paper? "

“ Oh it’s nothing. What did you say? My future plans? My father has left me the responsibility of looking after our textile shop in my village".

“That’s good”

“I will give you many dresses… free of cost. Just for you.”

“So sweet of you. But I won’t be there to take any.”

“Why? “

“I got admitted in a course in an institute at Delhi”

“What?? So are you leaving the village?”

“Yes. Tonight by bus”

He received the shock of his life.

“Oh! …I ….You…. that’s a really good news!”

“and I …what’s the paper you are fiddling with?”

“Oh, this is…this is…. my wedding invitation.”

I couldn’t think of a better lie.I wanted to appear normal as if it didn’t affect me at all.

“Great! I’m so happy for you. So give it to me”

“Oh, I…well..they are still not printed. This is the draft copy. You won’t be able to attend it anyway. You are going so far.”

“ Yeah. That girl is damn lucky”

“Could be”

“Will you come to the bus stand to see me off?”

How could I bear to see the sight of my beloved parting from me???

Umm…I’m sorry I can’t. I have to look after the shop."

“Okay no problem. I have to go and pack now. Bye. Miss you.”

“Go on. Goodbye.”

Bye forever. I’ll miss you too. You don’t have any idea how much I will.

He crushed the letter, tore it and threw it into the Ganges. The water erased the blue ink, which penned his concealed love and unsaid emotions and washed it away forever.

The bits of his letter got submerged to the depths of the river and disappeared without a trace.
And his hopes too.


She walked away not even glancing back for once. As the distance grew between them, step-by-step, his eyes welled up with tears. All he could see through his hazy eyes were his dreams crashing with broken wings, tumbling down, and her image retreating away.

Story of my life. My love ended even before it could begin.

*********************************


Diary entry

8.30 P.M 20/4/09


I am in the bus to Delhi. It seems I will reach Delhi in 4 hours.My parents and brother came to see me off.

I’ll miss my family.

And the village and the Ganges.

And him.

Yes, him the most. He looked dashing today. Simple but dashing.That’s what I like in him- his simplicity.He’s so down to earth. I was floored by his simplicity and clumsiness, on the very day I caught him behind the rocks. He portrays what he really is. No airs. No feigning attitude. I always admire his behaviour- polite and sweet natured. He’s everything I want my husband to be.

I wanted to propose to him so many times. But I couldn’t gain enough courage. Something would hold me back. I would be disheartened if he would say no. I don’t want to make things awkward between us. So I kept postponing it everytime.

Until today.

Today, I wanted to pour out my feelings, no matter what. Today was a big day for me.I went to the shore-the place we meet often, with novel hopes. And with a courageous heart.

I had so many dreams. Just like the movies-- I would propose to him. He would agree. And we both would move to Delhi. He would find a job there. Everything would be perfect. It would be like a fairytale coming true.

But happy endings happen only in movies. Not in real life. Real life is one big harsh truth.

Those 3 words came till the tip of my tongue. I almost said it. But then he told me about his wedding. It took me a lot of courage to mask my feelings and appear normal. I couldn’t stand there anymore. I wanted to go away from him. I couldn’t bear losing him. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, to leave him behind and walk away pretending I don’t love him.

Story of my life.My love ended even before it could begin.

****************************************************

“One who never speaks out, never gains, never learns and never loves…”

On The Boulevard Of Hope Filled Dreams

Two lovers, walking by the lane, I did see,
A leaf, the girl plucked from the tree,
Wrote the boy’s name and presented it to him blushingly.

Treasuring the leaf, the boy,
Kissed the leaf and kept it safe in his pocket,
Took out his pen and repeated the cute stance.

Sweet pleasure from my heart, it emanated,
As I saw that cute blessed couple.
Yet, I felt surging pangs of pain.
My heart ached thinking about you.

Thinking about,
the million miles that lay between us,
to separate our love.

Thinking about,
all I ever wanted to express,
but you weren’t any near to listen to me.

Thinking about,
the passing lonely days,
that I could have spent with you instead.

Staring despondently at your old photographs
that failed to capture your luster and charm…

Waiting endlessly for you to come back
and put a halt to my succumbing loneliness…

My future is all bleak.
Sadness replete.
Living in the past,
And envisaging a future,
When you would be close to me.

Close enough…
To listen to your words
resonating in my heart rhythmically.
But now,
I talk by the phone only to listen to your
distant echoing voice.

Close enough…
To remind me that the touch of your hand
is there to catch me wherever I fall.
But now,
Though I falter I don’t find
an outstretched reassuring hand to care for me.

Close enough…
That I can stare into your eyes for hours
and yet say nothing at all.
But now,
I can only imagine your face and though I want
to say a million things you are not there to lend an ear.

Close enough…
That every dawn I wake up to the morning sunshine
I start my day seeing you blissfully sleeping beside.
But now,
Insomnia gripping me, I lay awake all night
missing the warmth of your self on the bedside.

Unfulfilled infinite dreams
Imbued in my eyes,
Of words uncommunicated…
Of thoughts unshared…
Of moments unspent…
Of emptiness and vacuum filled space…

I live to see the light of the day--
The day when we would meet;
The day of melting miles;
The day when there’s just you and me around,
and all the time in the world to spare.

For your arrival, I wait with eager eyes,
On the Boulevard of hope filled dreams.

Be my valentine

The boy proposes:

I'll conquer the universe at your slightest wish
and drizzle the shimmering stars on you.
I'll pluck the cresented moon studded in the sky
and adorn it as a brooch on your gown.

Spending my lifetime by your side,
I'll give all the time in the world to you.
You will be my utmost importance.
I'll abandon you for not even a moment.

Covering the thorns in your path by my palm,
I'll bear the pricking pain for your sake.
Protecting you at your every trodden step,
I'll lay down your path with rosy petals.

With this love that bountifully gushes from my heart,
I'll take a lifetime to express it.
Is this a reason enough,that I want to be with you?
I hope you'll accept my love. Be my valentine.

The girl replies:

I don't need stars, they fade at dawn.
I don't need the moon, it wanes after a fortnight.
I see the twinkle of the stars in your caring eyes.
I see a crescent moon, in the curve of your smiling lips.

I need just a speck of grain, in the sands of your time.
I don't care for all the time in the world.
I'll give you your space, I'll give you your time.
You can have your own priorities, I won't hinder.

The thorns have to pierce my heart first
before they prick your protecting hand.
If you stand by me at my every step,
I can endure every thorn with pleasure.

Love me for no reason.

Love me on no condition.
If unconditional love is what you can reciprocate,
then I am your valentine.

She deserved that for what she did to me

On the morning of her birthday, I went to her home. She opened the door with a wide smile. She knew I would come. She knew I would wish her then. She was waiting. I didn't wish her. I didn't want to. I walked straight and sat on the sofa. She went into the kitchen to get 2 glasses of milkshake. I sent her again to the kitchen asking her to fetch a glass of water. Everything was going according to the master plan.

Wasting no second, I removed the pouch from my pocket, tore it open and mixed the contents in her milkshake. Yes, I wanted to drug her.

She returned and sat beside me with expectant eyes. Slowly she finished drinking the milkshake. Her eyes were drooping. Her head felt heavy. She fell on the sofa with a loud thud. There was a final smirk on my face as I left.




She deserved that for what she did to me. And for how she changed my life.
I was happy, before she came into my life.


************************************
The year before, on her birthday, I presented her sparkling diamond earrings. She wasn't looking good in them. Nothing suited her. A waste of money, I thought. She wasn't worth it. I returned the diamonds worth Rs.2 lacs each, to the D’dama’s shop.

*************************************


On the same day, of the evening of her birthday, last year, I threw a grand birthday party, in my farmhouse. She didn’t witness such a wild night in her 19 years of life. I hosted the wildest party ever—with a disco night, famous DJs from all over the world, socialites and celebrity guest-list, never ending vodkas and martinis, worldwide cuisines on the platter, balloons and confetti, life-sized cake and wild celebration. The party went on for 8 hours straight. That was just for show-off to my friends and for making a style-quotient. In truth, I didn’t want any party for her. I usually loved parties but I didn’t like that one. I watched her from a distance, laughing and mingling with our friends.

It wasn’t what I wanted. I sighed. I wasn’t happy. I was lonely in the crowd. And was frustrated to the hilt.

****************************************
That was last year.

It would be 20th of June tomorrow—the day of her 20th birthday. There were just 5 minutes for the clock to tick 12. Her mobile would be flooding with calls from everyone. But I knew she would be waiting for my call. Waiting for me to wish her first. I didn’t want to. I switched off the light and went to bed.

*************************************

I am rich, a billionaire. I loved money. I loved to flaunt money. Another thing I loved was to party. I just lose myself dancing in the parties for I was a hard-core party animal.

I was living my life in my own terms those days.

That was until she came along.

And changed it all.


****************************************

Last year, during the party in the farmhouse, I hated it all.

It wasn’t what I wanted. I sighed. I wasn’t happy. I was lonely in the crowd. And was frustrated to the hilt.

I felt lonely and frustrated because, I didn’t get to spend more than a couple of minutes with her. We would enjoy intimate moments together but just then someone would interrupt us to wish her. Yes, I love parties, but that night I wanted to be alone with her. I wanted to stare at the night-sky and the moon, lay under the shade of the tree and talk. The usual senseless talk, but with her, everything in the world gets a newer meaning. I’m always at awe at her sensible and insightful perspective about life. I had to learn a lot from her.

And I did learn a lot from her.

******************************************
I was living my life in my own terms those days.

That was until she came along.

And changed it all.

I wasted 21 years of my life in ignorance. In ignorance that money was the foremost priority in life. I was in a mad rush and hurry to nowhere. Another thing I loved was to party. Partying with the people who never cared for you. I was living in a faked world, filled with people who didn’t have the right attitude toward life. I merely survived. I didn’t ‘live’.

She had the right attitude toward life. She taught me to ‘live’. And not just to survive and waste precious life.

I failed to appreciate,
the breeze and the flower’s scent.
I didn’t stop, to see the moon.
I believed, I was happy
But my joys were transient,
which were to be forgotten soon.

Until one day she came along.
She walked into my life and changed it all.
She taught me how to live.
And to always smile though I fall.


She taught me to stop by and appreciate the beauty of small things—like the fluttering butterflies, the chirping cuckoos, the glazing sun, the starry studded night-sky with the crescent shaped moon, the joy and the innocence of a child, and the vastness of ocean.

She gave me a whole new reason to live--to live with appreciation for nature.

**************************************

The next day would be her 20th birthday. I wanted to choose a gift wisely. Not like the last time. The diamond earrings I got her on her last birthday didn’t suit her well.

She wasn’t looking good in them. Nothing suited her. A waste of money, I thought. She wasn’t worth it. I returned the diamonds worth Rs.2 lacs each, to the D’dama’s shop.

I mean she already had sparkling diamonds studded in her eyes, that my earrings felt lusterless on her. Whenever I get something, I want it to be the talk of the town. I wanted to make a style quotient among my friends. I wasn’t satisfied with the gift. The diamonds were not worth enough for her. She needed something more worthful…something priceless.

I needed to give her something she wouldn’t imagine in her wildest dreams. Then I got an idea. A master plan. A master plan to drug her.

**********************************

She returned and sat beside me with expectant eyes. Slowly she finished drinking the milkshake. Her eyes were drooping. Her head felt heavy. She fell on the sofa with a loud thud. There was a final smirk on my face as I left.

She deserved that for what she did to me. And for how she changed my life.I was happy, before she came into my life.

But I didn’t realize my joys were transient and faked. They were not long- lasting. The joy I experience when I lead my life with the attitude she taught me, is long-lasting.

************************************

It was 5 minutes for 21st June. I lit 20 candles on the chocolate cake. She cut the cake and I sang the birthday song. The cuckoos and the sparrows joined the song by chirping. The green leaves swayed to the breeze in rhythm. The waves splashed and swished as they hit the shore. The moon and the stars were smiling down to us. I took out my guitar and played soft music. We hummed duets all night and the nature played the background music. It was a full moon night. Perfect. We lay on the sand at the beach and slept hugging each other.

She was more than happy with my gift.

My gift of a surprise trip to the Andaman Islands. She always wanted to go to the Andaman, for the nature there is unspoilt and unhampered.

And I made her dreams come true.

That’s why I drugged her. I wanted to surprise her. While she was unconscious, we flew in the chopper to the islands. When she opened her eyes, she was astonished to see the blue sky enveloping her. She was astonished to see the vast sea that stretched for miles in front of her. She was astonished to see me beside her. I wished her a happy birthday, just when there were 5 minutes remaining for that day to get over. She felt special.

There were tears in her eyes. The tears of joy. The joy in admiration for nature. The joy that I remembered her birthday even if it was late.

Yes, I was late. I didn’t want to be the first one to wish her. I wanted to be the last one to wish her. Because the last wish stays in the memory till the next year. Everyone wishes you at the first few hours of your birthday. But after some hours, the day becomes normal, as if it is not your birthday at all and what remains is the long wait of one whole year for your birthday to arrive. I always believed in last wishes. Just imagine…when just few seconds remain for your birthday to pass away, someone wishes you then and reminds you it is your birthday. It feels good to know that it is still your birthday. Yes, I like last wishes. They are more memorable than first wishes.

***********************************

I chose wisely this time. The trip was a perfect gift to her. Close to nature. Close to me. We were all alone, with just the two of us and had all the time in the world.

She deserved that for what she did to me. And for how she changed my life.

In my search for you

Under the twilight, beyond the sun’s rays
In this world there’s not left a place.
Across the bridge and over the mountain
I’ve looked for you, but all in vain.

“Oh bird! Fly in the sky and look for him
At dawn or dusk, even if the light’s dim”
Thus, I requested a fluttering sparrow,
To fly and search for you, high and low.

“Oh moon! Shine down to wherever he is
Urge him to return, could you do that please?”
The shimmering moon and the glittery stars,
Promised to search, even if you’re on mars.

“Oh spring! Along your journey from hills to sea,
If he gulped you down his throat, notify me”
Thus, gushed from the earth the mountain spring,
But any message from you, it failed to bring.

“Oh rain! Dry my tear, form a cloud,fall on his cheek
Rain in deserts too for his whereabouts I can seek.
I asked the rainbow, the clouds and the fountain,
“Will he be receiving the same splattering rain?”

“Oh breeze! Transcending lands beyond I can see
Pervasive that you are, now listen to my plea--
Blow over to where he is, spread the same fragrance
Tell him I’m waiting to caress his hair so dense”

Beneath the deepest trench, beyond the farthest land,
In the ice or the forests or under the rocks or sand.
I’ll keep searching for you, and will never lose hope.
Nature joined in my search for you, so there’s scope.

It's like I am lost...I don't know this feeling

Day after day I think of you,
Of million thoughts I want to share with you!

M: Hey, what’s the matter with you? Why are you in such a contemplative state?

H: I am not feeling myself today. I feel so blue.

M: Oh dear! Pour out your heart to me. May be I’ll be of help. What’s wrong?

H: It’s him. No matter what I do, my thoughts shoot back to him. Every dawn I wake up to the morning light, the first thought that springs in my mind is his. I keep wondering what he is doing at this very moment. Eating..? Sleeping..? Laughing..? Will he be thinking of me..?

Whatever I see…
Whatever I do…
Whatever I hear…
I got me thinking of him.

M: What kind of thoughts?

H: Sweet, mushy thoughts of his. Late nights, when all the world is sleeping, I stay awake and keep thinking of him! I wish I was a star and could look down to him, sleeping cozily in his bed. I wish I was the breeze, and could swish past him and caress his silky hair.

Whenever I miss you, I just stare at the sky... I don't find you there but atleast I know we are under the same sky..!

M: Hmm…you got a problem there! Luckily, I know the solution. I will say it, it may or may not be right, but if it is, you have to accept it.

H: Yeah, okay, what’s it?

M: Is it a crush?

H: No! It’s much more than a silly crush. I can fight the world for him.

I will be there for him when the world stops turning.
I will be there for him when the sun stops shining.

See me! I’m talking in rhymes. His thoughts bring out the romantic poet out of me!

M: May be it is just a phase in life. You’ll get over with it in few months.

H: No, I felt like this from quite some time. This feeling got collected from so many years and is now gushing bountifully from my heart.

M: That sounds serious. Is it love?

H: Hmmm…may be…I am not sure of this feeling. I am in such a quandary. It’s a ticklish feeling pulsating from my innate heart. Does it feel like this when someone is in love?

M: Yes, you have got all those symptoms.

H: I can’t believe it! I thought love is something, which happens only in movies and fantasies. It seems so distant and strange! Oh, what do I do now?

M: You should go and propose him.

He loves me?..He loves me not?

H: I don’t have the courage. What if he doesn’t think of me that way? What if he rejected me and stopped talking to me after that cheap stance. I can’t afford losing him!

M: Then, he isn’t lucky enough to deserve your divine love. You might as well forget it all if he rejected you.

H: That shall never happen! I’ll still keep loving him even if he doesn’t love me back. He will be my man, in my fantasies. I will keep dreaming and in my dreams atleast, we’ll be together. I can lead my whole life just with his dreams. I've learnt that love is not always getting back. It is giving. Love is all about sacrifices. I don't want anything from him.

Worthy of nothing, counting the days still I wish to survive,
Hoping that one day he’ll care for me, for him I’ll strive.

M: What if he said he needs some time?

H: I’ll give him all the time in the world. I'm ready to wait all my life!

He could be far away from me for eons...I’ll still keep waiting
He could be at the other end of the universe...I’ll still keep waiting.

M: So when will you propose him?

H: Now that I am thinking about it, I don’t want to propose. This will be my little secret that I will carry to the grave. It’s better to secretly love him than be sad with a broken heart if he rejected my love.

M: I won’t advise you to do that. Be brave. Don’t waste a second to tell him what you feel. Don’t worry of the consequences. Atleast later in life you won’t retrospect and regret that it could have worked if you showed some courage.

H: Yes, you are right. I should be brave. I will propose him soon.

M: That’s a good decision. Go on now! Call up, fix a meeting and tell him you’ve fallen in love with him.

H: Oh no! I haven’t fallen in love with him. I have risen in love with him!

*****************************

'M' is Mind and 'H' is Heart of a girl who is in love.

Of Promises Kept And Broken

*********************************************“ 

I ran out of sunscreen in Iraq! I must have turned atleast 3 shades darker, shooting in the sultry sun !”, she was complaining.

“Your smile is breathtaking”. I said and broke her chain of conversation.

“You liar! You don't notice my smile! You are always lost in your own dreamy world and stare bleakly into my eyes!”, she said.

She was immersed in an animated description of her latest adventures in Iraq. She was proud of her brave stunts of acquiring an exclusive footage of shocking war revelation. That's her job. She is a war journalist. She is posted to terror stricken and tension centered war zones of the world.



She trekked the rough terrains of Zagros mountains in Iraq, in a camouflaged dress, survived only on the water of River Tigris for 2 days and shot secretly at the enemy's camp from behind the rocks. The video footage was to be submitted to the BBC news channel and the anti-terrorist intelligence. She captured the terrorist's conversations, all by herself, in their camp which revealed their strategies and future targets.


I wasn't listening to her talking about her experiences in Iraq. I was transported to the beautiful land of Kashmir...six years ago....that was where and when I first met her.

And fell in love eventually.



I was a tourist to Kashmir. A bomb raid broke out by terrorists. Everyone who were boating in the Dal lake previously were fleeing for their dear lives. I ran towards the shelter of apple woods. In the midst of all this chaos, I saw her shooting with a video camera from behind the thick apple trees.

Love at first sight.

There was a mystique glint of bravery flickering in her eyes.

That's what I liked in her – her eyes and her bravery.

There was no one around. She was startled at first. Confirming that I was harmless, she came forward and dressed my bleeding hand with her scarf.

That was just the start.

During my stay at Kashmir, we exchanged our mobile numbers, talked late into the night and went out in the snow every other day. I must say she talked a lot. A very talkative girl she was!

Our love blossomed in the beautiful land of Kashmir-- rightly called ' heaven on earth'.

******************************


I was scared for her...for her life...of her dangerous job.

I pleaded her, persuaded her and pestered her at many instances to quit the job. I wanted us to get married, move to Dalhousie and happily live ever after...always...forever.

She was very adamant of her journalist job. At first I thought she was being headstrong.

One day she told me, “my parents died in front of my eyes in the hands of the terrorists. I was barely seven then! I've dedicated my life to do everything possible in my own small way to uncover their strategies.”

It was then that my love to her took a new dimension. I started respecting her job. My love for her grew even more in intensity.

Relating to those horrid childhood incidents there were tears in her eyes.

Nonetheless, the mystique glint of bravery flickering in her eyes didn't fade away.

That's what I liked in her – her eyes and her bravery.



********************************

I was scared.
True.

I was scared for her.
A lie.

In truth I was scared for myself. I can't live without her! I can't envisage a future for myself without her being beside me.

“Hey don't be so gloomy! Do you think I'll die so easily and sacrifice you to the other pretty girls !!?? No way! I'll be there for you...always...forever.” She teased.

I asked ,“ Promise?”

She replied, “ Promise! I rarely promise anyone. But if I do, then I value it with my life!”


***********************************

When she was away covering news in the war zones, my time would go out of sync with the rest of the world. I would lose track of days and dates. My time was divided into two phases-- the time I was with her and the time I waited for her. I would wait frantically clutching my mobile in my hand for that one call from her, assuring me she's safe and sound.

She feared nothing. She was brave.

She had her priority – her aim of exposing the activities of terrorists.

I had my priority – it was 'she'.

*************************************


I was in the airport. I got a call. I could not believe my ears! My head was spinning...my whole world went topsy-turvy!


*************************************

It was 2 days for my birthday to arrive. She was in Sarajevo reporting the war there live.

I urged her to come back.

She said yes.

It was a promise.

It seemed she had a surprise gift for me and wouldn't reveal it till we met. I pretended to be very much interested to know what the surprise gift was. I didn't want to be a spoilsport.
In truth, the gift didn't matter to me.

It was her coming back from Sarajevo after 2 months which truly was a gift to me.

**************************************

It was the day of my birthday. I went to the airport to receive her. I was waiting for her eagerly. Finally the flight arrived.

But... there was no sign of her.

I waited for her for another hour.

I heard my cell phone ringing. I was sure it was her. Smilingly I answered the call...but ... it was a male voice.

“I am from BBC news. I'm really sorry to say...but she is no more. She was killed in the war at Sarajevo”.


These words changed my life. For worse.

*************************************

She did keep her promise to come back on my birthday. But it was not the intact her. Her body was flown in a coffin to the airport. Her luggage was recovered and handed over to me.

I thought I would celebrate my birthday with her lively self around.

I was wrong.

I laid beside her lifeless body and for the first time in my life I cried.

I don't know for how long I cried.

My tears were exhausted. Nonetheless, they could not alleviate the emotions which burnt my heavy heart.

At night, I was flipping through her luggage. The surprise gift she planned for me was a hand woven kerchief with my name embroidered at the center.

It was as if she was consoling me not to cry and wiping my tears with the kerchief.

I preserved everything belonging to her....somethings tangible which lay safely in the cupboard...and as far as those intangible moments were concerned...they were there to stay in my memory, always...forever!


*****************************

It's been 3 years now. I still couldn't forget her.

Every night, from that day till today, I get scary dreams. She would be writhing and wriggling in pain just in front of my eyes. She would scream at the crest of her voice for help. But I would be handcuffed and helpless to rescue her. She would die every night again and again in my dreams.

I fear sleep.

Every day, those beautiful moments I spent with her keep flashing back. Everything and everyone remind me of her. No matter what I do, I think of her and her thoughts send pangs of pain in my heart. I try to suppress the pain, but the feelings gush out and churn my heart. I take sleeping pills to switch off from the pain.

I fear being awake.



Someone said that love is a bucketful of emotions. So true!

Her voice reverberates in my ears--“ Promise! I rarely promise anyone. But if I do, then I value it with my life!”

She did really have to value the promise with her life. She had to forgo her life...our life!!
It was a broken promise...a promise unkept...a promise unfulfilled.

I am so frustrated that, I want to kill her again and again for her broken promise. Why did she leave me alone??

************************

“You liar! You don't notice my smile! You are always lost in your own dreamy world and stare bleakly into my eyes!”

Yes, I used to lie about her smile. It wasn't her smile or lips that I noticed. I used to look deep into her twinkling eyes. She had an unflinching flame of bravery flickering in her eyes and the brunt of the horrifying images of her parents dying in front of her.

Her eyes spoke for her.

He eyes said it all!

That's what I liked in her – her eyes and her bravery.

The perfect gift

I went to exhibition yesterday night with Manisha, Dilip and Padmaja. I had lots of fun..went on to the rides..columbus, giant-wheel, brake-dance etc etc and ate a lot. While coming out I saw a vendor selling bubble-liquid. I got reminded of this story I read from reader's digest and instantly purchased it. I gave it to my sister to play. She was very happy!

"But what will you take for her?”

Nitin asked me. He seemed almost as anxious as I was on this occasion. Okay, so that’s what friends were for… but right now he was not helping me at all.What would I take for her? The instant answer was “Myself” but I thought it was safer not to say anything. Nitin was the earnest type and he would not like me making light of the situation. The situation? My planning to propose to Richa. Big momentous occasion on the cards. All planned by the small guy.Did I say ‘small’? I didn’t feel that small. I felt like I owned the world. After all, Richa was almost mine, so to speak. And who wouldn’t be happy with a girl like that. She was everything I wanted in someone I was willing to spend the rest of my life with. She was fun, witty, charming and the best part was she understood me. Well, over the last couple of months, I too was faintly beginning to understand her. Nitin’s verdict of Richa being a 'good girl' notwithstanding, I knew there were many times when I could have torn my gelled hair in despair trying to figure out what was it she wanted to say when she clammed up and said, “Nothing”.



There were times when all she wanted to do was tell me about her day. Which was fine as long as she did not ask me about mine. I mean work was work, what else did one say about it. Then there was a time when she picked up a bottle of bubble liquid from a man selling balloons on the road. “Grow up”, I told her laughing, yet somewhat embarrassed. People on the street were staring at us, though they were all smiling indulgently at her. “ Why should I?” was her quick rejoinder. I had, as usual, no answer to that as a bubble settled on my nose. But over time, I think I can understand her. No, maybe I understand myself better. And our relationship. I now know for a fact that we are definitely different.I know that I need to lend her a listening ear time and again. She simply wants to be heard. And I have told her that I really do not need to share every office issue with her.

I know that when she gives me space to have my night out with the boys, she is expecting that one-minute phone call to say that I still think of her. Easier said than done when you are in the middle of a heated football discussion, but I can do it now.

“So what are you going to get her” interjected Nitin into my thoughts. “Do you know what I suggest?” I smiled. I didn’t want to know. This momentous occasion would be ours. Richa’s and mine. I was going to propose to her. The setting would be perfect. And I was going to take a bottle of bubble liquid for her.

Bad luck with guys !! Part - 2

Yet another incident prooves my bad luck with guys...

INCIDENT # 2

I went to IBM at indiranagar, Bangalore with my classmate. Her brother -in-law is a software head at IBM. Next to the building of IBM were all other software giants like Dell,HP, Yahoo! IBM was ultra-modern and so majestic. The security was strict. They gave us visitor's passes and we had to wear our ID'S compulsorily. I was filled with awe at the workplace. Young software employees were busy in their cabins working with their laptops, checking files, making phone calls and all. Girls were pretty with their corporate trousers and men were well-groomed with suits and ties. I thought if I studied engineering I could have had a chance to work here. My classmate shared my thoughts too. She showed me her brother-in-law's cabin. We went to the pantry and did hell of a mischief there....playing with the coffee maker,mixing different coffee flavours, loud jokes ..all unlikely things decent computer employees would do at a sophisticated place like IBM. They couldn't help smiling at us. We had cappuchino and expresso. I liked cappuchino but expresso was very bitter. We made lotsa mess in the pantry. In short I had a great time. We both planned that we will marry a software worker from IBM. We both were amazed at the sophisticatedness of the place and grew in love with IBM.



My classmate took pictures of mine in different poses. I was walking seriously talking in a phone just like any CEO and she clicked my picture. And then I was standing at the entrance busily glancing the content of the files and she clicked my picture. Anyone would believe that I work at IBM after looking those pictures. Then we saw one empty cabin. We sneaked in, I sat on the chair. The name plate read 'Shubodeep Rai Chaudary - Team manager'. I started typing in the computer as if I owned the cabin and wore his specs. My friend clicked that picture too.



The next day, there was a naming ceremony of my classmate's brother-in-law's 5month old son. I was invited. All IBM workers were also invited. I joked to her that I was on a mission to impress Shubhodeep Rai Chaudary and I will take extra time in getting ready and will look my best. I was searching for him frantically in the crowd. Even she was searching for a handsome IBMite just for fun sake.

So our guy comes. Handsome....no doubt about that. I was looking at him from one corner. He was shaking hands with his co-workers. Next a pretty lady in sari stepped beside him (sigh!) And as if that was not enough...a 2 yr old kid gave an entry beside them!!

My friend and me looked at each other..winked and had a hearty laugh at the whole thing! It all seemed so funny at the end.

Bad luck with guys!! Part - 1

I always have bad luck with guys...

INCIDENT # 1

I gave some tops of mine to get them pressed to a laundry wala with a 'gaadi' by the streetside. He said something in Kannada which I could not understand except that he was asking me to collect them at 7.30 in the evening. So, I went to my room and returned at 7.30 P.M, only to find out that he was nowhere to be seen. I quickly disregarded the thought that he ran away with my tops...cute expensive tops which I purchased from Commercial Street. I must have seemed very innocent and gullible. I really did'nt know what to do. I was sad and I went back to my room reassuring myself that he might have retired early from the work for that day and he would be back the next day.

So the next day I went to that street but he was'nt there. But his gaadi was tied to a pole there. So I thought he couldn't have escaped with my clothes with his cart left there ater all.

The next day I went again. And this time expect what...his cart was also gone! This was when I started getting worried. I asked the passer-bys about this dhobiwala but they diddn't seem to know much. There was a house nearby. So I knocked their door with the hope that they could be of help.

An elderly man opened the door. He was very hospitable and friendly. He didn't seem to know much of the laundry man but wanted to help me inspite of this. He said that he would call me to inform if he returned. He called out some 'chintu' or 'pintu' ..i don't clearly remember...for noting down my mobile number in a book. I expected a 10 year old boy. But no! It was a handsome young man...very dashing in looks, tall and good-looking. This elderly man explained everything to his son and his son came forward and asked my mobile number! I went bonkers then. He looked into my eyes and bent down his head getting conscious and blushed a little. It was then I realised that I was eyeing him and staring for 30 whole seconds involuntarily .O.k I am not a big sucker for guys but he was really good-looking. Stammering, I gave my mobile number(I was still in shock at my luck).


I seriously considered asking his mobile number so that I can call him out asking if this ironwala returned or not. Its being very dificult for me to walk all the way from my room till there. On second thoughts I felt it would be stupid and I would seem desperate( i hell was!).



Later this elderly man called out, 'bahu! ek ladki aayi hai. Usko pani do'.

You might have already expected what happened. This bahu turned out to be the wife of this young man. She was very pretty and of the traditional sorts. Embroidered sari, jingling bangles and a big bindi....she looked very innocent and beautiful. She handed a glass of water to me and her husband each. He smiled at her..killer smile..very wide and breath-taking! They made a cute couple. I think they were newly weds and the chemistry was still afresh between them.


I gulped down water(i really needed that) and went back...partly sad at the tragic ending and partly angry at how silly I was.

The next day I did little detective work and found out this ironwalla's home(Nancy Drew style!). I got my clothes back and scolded him for running away with my clothes. I never received any call from this handsome man.

Are you at the other end of the bridge?

Nostalgia gripped me when I looked back at my photo album. It was a class picture filled with memories...that are just a part of bits of photo paper now.

I was cleaning my shabby room after lots of pesterings from my mom.I retracted old class albums in the process.Its been years that I've had even a mere glance on them.They were a part of past.Flipping through the photos,and recalling bitter old memories I felt so nostalgic.They were all my friends once.I don't know where they are now,how they are now.
I was surprised I remember all their names...Santhosh,Rachana,Madhuri,Varsha,Tanmay, Athulya....Athulya...that name woke up a sick, strange darkness in me.

We were classmates from U.K.G to class III.I always admired him in class secretly.He always stood first in class and was a favourite among teachers.He was a really cute boy..with a pink face and chubby cheeks.He was a rich kid and half -American- born.He let only 'class A' people in his friends circle and obviously I was'nt a part of it.He rarely looked in my way, let alone talking to me.

My joy knew no bounds when my teacher made him my benchmate in class III.He was sitting to my immediate left!!Oh how I used to love going to school then.There used to be only awkward silence between us.We rarely spoke to each other.I used to feel my heart racing even to ask him if I could borrow from him a pencil.

It was his birthday the other day.He throws up pompous parties on his birthday to which I was never invited.It was break-time and he was distributing party invitations among his close friends.I was lying down on the desk gloomily and wondering of all the possible ways I could impress him and get admission to his 'class A' friends group.Maybe I should buy an expensive b'day gift and win his heart...But what do I give?...he has everything in this whole world.

He came from behind and interrupted my thoughts.

Him:Aparna
Me:(startled): Yeah. Happy birthday Athulya.
Him:Thank you.Well, here's the invitation for my party.My house address is mentioned in the card.The party is at 5ó clock.I would be glad if you could make it to my party.
Me(with dropped jaw, dilated pupils and stammering):Eh...um.....su-sure.I w-would be r-really h-happy...
He did notice my tension and smiled back at me.The sweetest killer smile any boy could have.Next he distributed toffees in a bowl to the class.He came to me offering chocolates in the bowl.
Him:Which chocolate do you like?This is with nuts and fruit and that's with almond and this's with raisins...

I really had difficulty choosing the right one with so many options available.Seeing me perplexed he picked up a 50-dollar chocolate from his pocket which I guess is a special gift from his grandpa in America.He distributed only 2 -rupee candies to others but gave an American imported chocolate to me!I could see people getting jealous around.I muttered thank you to him.It felt really nice inside that he gave away a special gift to me.And all these years I thought he didn't care about me.He looks at the other way when I look at him as if I did'nt even exist.I thought he would'nt even know my name and he offered to invite to his party to which only his close friends are allowed.I was totally wrong.Maybe even he wanted to befriend me.But I guess neither of us had the guts to break the ice between us.

In the party I had a great time,played many games and ate delicious food.I won in 'paasing the parcel' and got a goody gift in return.We became good friends in the party and from the next day in class we were totally comfortable with each other and clicked on really well.

 


He used to come to my house too for collecting notes if he was absent to class.And whenever I go to his home he used to teach me a great deal about computer.

That was 11 years ago.My dad got transferred to Bangalore later and I lost contact from him.I don't have his phone number now.And its been too long.I don't think he would even remember my name now.I don't know where he is now.The last time I heard about him was from my old friend that he was preparing for IIT and looking for studying in abroad.I thought of searching for him in orkut but I don't know his full name.I let those memories fade away from my mine too...until I saw that photo album.

I don't know of what importance I hold to him in his life.But to me he is my best friend.I don't care if he doesn't consider me as his friend now or if he does'nt even remember that a girl called Aparna existed and that I was his classmate once.You must have heard of one-way-love.This is one-way-friendship.