Turning Back Yesterday

Retrospecting from a distant future point in timeline I can say that what I did was completely wrong. Standing where I am today I can for sure blame the reason of the events of the past on me. But why didn’t I even have inkling then that my future self will regret the mistakes my past-self did. I get far-fetched and crazy thoughts in desperation to make everything alright again. Maybe I should use a time-machine and undo that event? Maybe I should invent an analyse-o-metre to guard me against doing such awful and silly mistakes again?

Maybe my sense of premonition that was supposed to warn me about ensuing threats to relationships was numbed at that time.

As of today, I can say that a tiny misunderstanding creates the biggest voids in best of relations.

As of today, I can say that relationships are fragile like glass. Pleasurable to have if handled carefully. But one reckless slip from your hand and you lose it all. A vitreous structure carved out elegantly now. A thousand gleaming pieces next. Only tiny shreds of glass strewn on the floor remain to reminisce the beauty of it. But pick up a piece of it , and there it gives a nasty cut on the hand as a reprimand that you were reckless enough to let it go, and make it crash tumbling to the floor only when you thought you had it all and owned it completely.

If I could ever write a book on this then I would christen the title as ‘the two mistakes of my life’.

One -imagining rubbish and squashing down a beautiful gift of love and friendship with my own hands. I remember every Christmas, I would write to Santa, that I be given someone to share and care. It was there right in front of me but I was foolish enough to let my egos blind my way. She moved on, but I couldn’t.

Two - Not trying to break the ice after I argued with Neil and being egotistic to say sorry on time. The stance of being not in talking terms stretched for too-a-long time and now it doesn’t even matter to my friend that I don’t talk to him at all. He was used that way…of me being non-existent and ignoring him completely. He doesn’t care anymore now. He thinks I don’t care too. But the truth is I do. Very much.

What all can I do now? I can regret. I can cry. Alas I don’t have a heart brave enough to say that word.

I know things will be mended and will fall back into place with that one tiny but powerful word.

It is true. Sorry seems to be the hardest word.

If You Only Knew

She wanted to go home to celebrate her birthday with family. I was adamant that she should celebrate it in the hostel with her friends. With her best friend. Me.


I was confused thinking about the right gift for her from many days. She was my good friend and how could I ever repay her and let her know how special she was to me. Birthdays are the perfect time to express love and friendship and let one know how important that one is.

Greeting card? Chocolates? Trendy anklets? Branded watch? Teddy bear? Plaster of Paris show piece? Parker pen? …………


Finally I zeroed in on chocolates. I bought a gift for her many weeks in advance and waited more than her for her birthday to approach. She has a sweet tooth…just absolutely adores everything sweet and chocolaty! I went to the Forum mall where I know a shop which sells candies, confectionaries and chocolates exclusively. An ultimate place not to be missed by any choco-lover! I selected the best assorted foreign chocolates in all flavours- choco with rum, raisins, almonds, orange, strawberry, melon, tooty-fruity....


Finally it was the day of her birthday. With the gift of chocolate pack, I attended her birthday bash. She was cutting the cake. I went near her expecting I would be the first person to get a bite from her cake as normally best friend gets that chance. I stopped in midway shocked that she was feeding another two girls the first piece of cake. She made a new best friend and completely ignored me which broke my heart! Everyone who thought we were best pals were surprised too and wondered what went wrong between us. I was embarrassed and just fiddled with my cell camera pretending to click photos of them and acted as if I am very cool with this unexpected new development. A shocking twist in the tale it was!


I didn’t feel like staying through the rest of the party. This new development was not sudden, I admit. It was right there in front of my eyes, but I failed to see it would be this harsh on the face. Of late our friendship was going through a rough phase that I should have foreseen it. But completely ignoring me was too inconsiderate and callous on her part. I would have never done that even to my worst of enemies.

The gift of chocolates with its shiny wrapper lay in my hands. Waiting to be given and to be received. I clutched it tight unable to find a way to wade through the crowd and give it to her. She was the cynosure in the party hall, dancing, laughing loud and having the best time in the world with her new friends. That’s right also. It was her birthday and she was supposed to be happy. And I was wrong to take things for granted and not trying hard enough to not let her go. I was wrong to be jealous that she found new friends. Maybe I couldn’t make her happy. Maybe I couldn’t be what she expected from her friend. Maybe…


I called her on her mobile to wish even though I was a few feet away from her. She received it coldly as if I was some stranger. That’s what I am now to her –a no-one, just another random person she came across.I walked out of the party.

I threw the gift on the way into a trash bin. It was useless when she wouldn’t acknowledge with how much love I brought it to her. How unlucky was my gift that it couldn’t accomplish its intended destination!

Windowless Soul

Pressure at work?
Betrayed in love?
No reebok shoes?

Unnerving exams?
Lost in contest?
Unpaid dues?

You think you’re the only one in misery
That God doesn’t answer to your plea
Well, he doesn’t answer to my simple query--
I ask him how different is blue from green?
The rainbow colours unheard and unseen

And why they say spring is so colourful?
That poets, lovers, artists muse and cherish
I want to rhyme, kiss and paint dreams on canvas
Unmotivated, I ink about a dreary life, an unfulfilled wish
As my mind is trapped, God forgot to create windows
Canopied from inspiration and beautiful visions to relish

The ocean waves kissing the shore
Is it a sight worth dying for?
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder how you are!
In my mind’s eye, I do imagine, the ocean and the night
But am I doing justice to its beauty by envisioning it right?

Acknowledging the world by feel and touch
I feel the warmth of a loved one’s hug and cuddle
The velvet petal’s silkiness they call a daffodil
Walking barefoot on grassblades the dewdrop’s tickle

Mirror, mirror on the wall, tell me do I look like a doll?
They say that I look so pretty…
Do they really mean it or say just to keep me happy?
I don’t understand how different beauty is from lack of it
That butterfly be admired, and caterpillar be trampled?
Is a rose so aesthetically different from a thorn?

They say my twinkling innocent eyes
glimmer like molten gold
Oh but of what use? Lifeless vestiges,
numbed to the perceptions of the outside world









The only colour I know is black
They say grass is green, sky is blue
You should tell me…is it really true?

I hear the ringing innocent laughter of a child, oh so pure!
Is his smile genuine reaching eyes? I wonder
I smell the lingering fragrance of newly drenched earth
And wish to witness the sky pouring out silver shower
I hear the melody and tune of the humming bird
And wish to see it sucking nectar out of perfumed flower

Trapped in a murky dark inferno
I close my eyes, all I see is stygian black
I open my eyes, I still see shades of the same
Keeping my four senses open,
With every step I take, venturing into the mysterious
Being beware of the ensuing hurdles,
Foraying into chasm of obscure shadows
I tripped, I was knocked, I was hurt and hit,
I bled to sanguine liquid drops they called blood


And you say you’re the only one in misery?
That god was unfair to you?
Yes, you are not as gifted as I am!
I’m spared to see the aversion mounting among mankind
Where the innocence of a child is stripped and cashed.
Reverence, candour, integrity --the words of yesterday
Kindness, compassion, civility --the virtues of history

What’s left in the world to see?
Deteriorating values and ethics of humanity?
Fraud and deception taking over fairness in quality?
Discrimination and discord wiping out unity?

Behind money and fame, on a wild goose chase
To appreciate small joys you don’t slow your pace
The rose, sky, butterflies and sun rays

A person’s negativity over his goodness is all that you see
I pity you! That way, pretty rotten place the world would be
You think you’re the only one in misery?
That God doesn’t answer to your plea?

Yes how true!

What went wrong?

I couldn’t sleep last night, now that I know it is over between us. I was clinging onto a tiny hope till yesterday, that maybe things can become normal between us.The way they were meant to be. But if you want me to walk out of the door, I will happily do that. I still can’t make out what went wrong between us. Everything was so perfect. And you gave me a reason to live. I was so sure that you were the one for me. But suddenly…

I am not bitter anymore because I know what we had was for real. And if in some distant place in future, we see each other in our new lives, I will smile to you with joy and remember all the good time we spent with each other. We laughed, cried, loved, and above all we connected. You were the one with whom I could speak my mind with no inhibitions, without the fear of being judged. You were so approachable and understanding. We shared identical interests and you were the one with whom I could discuss leisurely on the couch about anything under the sun….our favourite football player, our favourite band or anything silly or serious. Life has become so tough without you.

I miss the jokes we cracked and laughed staying up all throughout the night, wishing the day would never come. I miss the endless marathon conversations we had in phone. I miss listening to you strumming the guitar for me and singing love songs.

Everything reminds me of you. Walking on the street I see our favourite fast food joint, our favourite movie theatre, the park we frequented. I see the penthouse with garden and picket fence we planned of buying and decorating the home of dreams. I see the big tree with blossoms under which we had our first kiss …which is now barren and stripped in the autumn. I see a kid with balloons and get reminded of how you would always bought balloons and kites for me. And how we ran to get my kite flying in the air which refused to go more than few feet from the ground. I could revisit my childhood with you. I see the lane on which you taught me to ride your bike. You were so protective that you would never let me go and ride on my own. You were always there to catch me if I fell. Where are you now?

I know you would intentionally lose in the game of basketball when we played together, even if you were on the winning side, just to see me happy.

The diamond ring that you gave when you proposed me, still adorns my finger. It was so sweet of you to spend all the money you were saving for buying your favourite sports bike for the ring instead.

Though you boast that you are so macho and never cry for anything at all, on that day I saw you shed tears, muffling your cries under the pillow, when I was critical in the hospital after meeting with an accident.

Did I tell you that I knew you substituted the dead goldfish in my aquarium with new ones? You knew I would be upset as those poor things died just because I didn’t know how to feed them right. You substituted them with new gold fish from the pet shop while I was sleeping, thinking that I would never discover the change.

Every Sunday we would go trekking so far that I would be so tired walking. You would carry me and I would snuggle cosily wishing to be nowhere else but here, surrounded by your gentle arms.

I see our old photo album everyday. Those moments captured when we had genuine smiles on our lips. We knew what happiness meant. It was so tangible and we owned it. For how long do I recall you from a still photo? Last night, I wanted to dream about you, but I couldn’t imagine your face. With passing days, your face seems strange to me. I am beginning to fear I will forget you. Your image and voice is fading from my mind. I am forgetting the pain you inflicted on me by deserting me suddenly. I don’t want my heart to heal from the pain you caused me. It is the only reminder of you that I have with me.

You never told me what went wrong. You didn’t give me a second chance to mend my mistake, if I ever did. No explanations…no answers…out of the blue you wanted me to walk out of your life. Just like that.

Walking on the street, I listen to a distant unfamiliar ringing sound. The resonance of laughter from a couple who are in new found love. The sound seems so alien and strange to me. I have forgotten to laugh. I see no reason in it. I am lost without you.

I want you to be happy with the life you’ve chosen for yourself. It hurts that I am not a part of it. I breathe you out of my heart and pray for the strength to stand strong without you in my life. I will always be grateful to you, for being my confidant, my friend, my lover, my soul mate. I wish you find someone better than me, who will keep you happy forever and will sustain your interest throughout.

I just have one small request.

Please don’t break her heart.

DISCLAIMER:  It is just a narrative interspersed with fiction and imagination but I have tried to write it in the first person perspective.

Delusional Love

Please go away from my life. Since the moment I met you, I’ve been obsessed day and night about your thoughts. If I didn’t meet you, I would have been so sure about my future plans….going abroad and finding a new world and career that I always dreamt of. But then those career aspirations got replaced and gave way to your infatuated dreams from the day I met you. Suddenly you took priority over my career plans. I was so sure about my calling…about what I would do with my life. After you came my crystal clear goals vapourised into haze. My dream crashed headlong before it could take wings and soar high in the sky. I dropped my one and only chance of flying abroad and making my dreams true…but for what..? only for my love to be insulted and dismissed as a silly crush by you later. I waited in vain. You ridiculed the fervent love I possessed and said it would fade away. I stayed back, lost my chance and lost you too. A complete loser in life.

I call you, but you always reply that you are in traffic. We both know, that I know that you lied. Such a flimsy excuse? Nowadays you are not even bothering to devise clever excuses and that I would find out your excuses stupid and baseless. Even if I am hurt by your lies, it doesn’t matter to you anymore right? At first, whenever I called you, you would say that you could never be busy for me even if you were immersed in heaps of workload.

Whatever did I do wrong to lose you? Or did I ever have you to lose you?

I can’t blame you though. I am a no-one to you- no less than a faceless stranger. I know it is not right to pin hopes on a stranger. I know everything but still I pretend to be unaware of the obvious. It’s plain and simple. 4 straightforward words- ‘you don’t like me’ or better still are these 3 words ‘you hate me’ …but I want to turn a blind eye towards the conspicuous. I don’t want to acknowledge the truth and stay happy in the false world and castle of dreams I spin and weave of you. I want to hold onto the thought that everything is fine when it is not. I make myself believe that yes you are really stuck in traffic and keep waiting for you to call back which we both know would never come. Oh now maybe your network is busy or you ran out of balance…anything but the truth I say to myself to convince me than to accept the fact that you are avoiding me.

You may have your own reasons to avoid me. You may be right in not showing any interest towards me, but I will still be hooked on to you. Whatever happened to my self-respect? It is biting dust with everytime me wagging my tail like a desperate lovelorn puppy waiting for you to reciprocate.

When someone asks me if I am in relationship, I don’t know what to answer. Not that we are officially lovers but still I would be happy if I could confidently say about you. It leaves me sad when your name runs in my memory, it almost comes to my lips but I have to ultimately say ‘no’.

Aren’t you and me together? Tell me. I already know your reply. Reality hits hard. So I have built a virtual world where reality is obscured by delusional fantasies. I will satisfy myself with false expectations. I just can’t take no for an answer. It is too painful.

I can’t see my another dream crashing headlong like a flightless bird. It will take time for me to accept that is over. One fine day I might come into terms with reality. I will completely erase you from my memory and move on.

Until then…

Dreams on fire

The love letters scented in musk we wrote
the dried petals of the roses you left every morning
the love poems and lyrics we composed
the gifts,our photos,those greetings
the wonderful times we spent together, those abstract memories
the pages of my diary I filled about you every night......


You walked out of my life
without for once glancing back
But left these lingering traces
haunting and claiming my sanity


When I came to know
there is no more 'us'
But just you and me
gone in bifurcating ways
I decided to put an end to your memories
and sacrifice these reminders in the flames of fire


Years it took for me to nurture my dreams of love
but just a blink of an eye
for the incinerating fire to melt them into liquid dreams
Devoured the flames callously
Wiped them out from the chronicles of time
Undid the moments, erased out the memories

Scorched and scalded bits of paper
were all that was left of your love letters
Scarred and charred useless trash became all other gifts

For one last time before I could touch and feel the ashes
the cruel breeze blew off the ignited flakes of ash,
disseminated them here-and-there






With a sigh and a phew
When it is all done
I look into the mirror...

But it is not me who I see

Alas I never can forget you!

Incapable the fire was to burn the bonds which bound me to you
left those memories and scenes unblemished, untouched

I still see you...
your kiss...
your touch...
your love...
which warms my pulsating heart
gushing blood through veins
vitalizing every inch of my body

The record of every minute I spent with you,
is imprinted intricately in my memory
The past moments span in front of my eyes
playing in detail as if everything is happening right now


Still....
my heart contains love for you, swelling bountifully
my eyes refuse to vaporise your image locked in forever
my ears shamelessly long to hear you whisper my name


The brunt of your love which poisoned my body and soul
by burning the material traces will not be that easily obliterated


If your love is inseparable and a part-and parcel of my existence....
If I am your most striking remaining trace...
If you still exist in every drop of my sanguine blood....
If the passion of love burning in me can never be dampened....
If our souls are one intertwined for eternity that refuse to be apart...



Then how can I not set myself ablaze to truly forget you?



How can I not end my existence to put an end to your memories?



How can I not set myself ablaze to truly forget you??

Dear Santa - The year as I retrospect

From

My room,

India, Asia

25th December 2008

To

Santa Clause,
Teens wish granting wing,
Head post office of Artic circle,
North pole

Dear Santa,

Thank you for my new patiala dress my mother bought last week. Everyone told me that I looked pretty in my pink patiala. And also thanks for giving me 'gone with the wind'. I wanted to read that book from so many months. Would you get me 'Andromeda' by 'Micheal Chricton' this time? Please do something to convince my parents to take me to a trip to Araku valley and Vizag. I'm dying to go there! Please give good marks for my li'l sister in her boards. Please keep my parents healthy and happy.

I tried baking a cake in the new oven we bought, Santa. But it didn't come out well. Never mind that. When I'll be sleeping on my bed at night, leave Andromeda novel by my bedside.Please don't forget to bring some other nice gifts in your sleigh for me. I have hung extra-large sized socks by my bedside so that you can leave many gifts. And yes, the socks are not stinking. They are washed and perfumed.

I want to relate to you some notable events which happened to me this year. I'm alerting you, this is going to be a long letter!

I’ve seen bright days. Dark days. Been happy. Been sad.
I had an eventful and momentous year. Last Christmas I wrote a letter to you asking for fulfilling some wishes. They had been granted. My heartfelt thanks to you.

My birthday in April went fine. But I couldn’t enjoy much as I had to take 2nd year exams the next day. I am happy with my 2nd year results…77%…I couldn’t have asked for more.

I had a great summer. I had been to an adventurous trip to Bengaluru, all by myself, for a whole month. I had a great time with cousins and old friends --Sup, Souj, Prash, Skanda and Pri. I miss Bengaluru now. My heart roams in the streets and lanes of Jayanagar. While I was on a morning walk in Jayanagar one day, I saw a beautiful Bungalow built in wood and bamboo with creepers adorning the gates and with a green garden around the house. I had decided that I would come back to B'lore to buy that beautiful house when I started earning money. It would be mine someday. Hopefully.

And then 3rd year started…back to the same routine of college and studies. I took part in poster presentation on the topic ‘microsponges’ in Vishnu College. We had pharmacy week celebrations in our college. I took part in the essay competition. As a part of pharma week programme, we pharma students went to a nearby village for surveying the commonest diseases people suffer and the drugs they use. We had a rally on the topic ‘safe use of prescription medicines’ and we had to convey the message with banners and pamphlets. It was a nice experience. That day I felt I was a true pharmacist and I did something to help the society in my own small way.

Last Sunday, I was very happy. Nobody could be so cheerful and merry. I was the happiest person in the world. I was flashing smiles to everyone I came across, for some innate happiness was surging inside me. It happened for the first time ever with me that I was that happy. Until then I thought I was an unlucky girl and that my wishes were never granted. I had a spree of jolts and sad moments one after one, again and again, few years ago. I forgot to smile then. But on that Sunday I was happy. But something was constantly warning me and I had fears that smiles at present are a premonition of ensuing predicaments in future. It is a sin to be so much glad when so many people are suffering. Some omen was hinting me that this was just the calm before the violent and boisterous storm and sadness would claim my smiles.

And precisely then I got a call from my classmate saying that the results of 3rd year, 1st semester were out and I didn’t clear pharmacology. I was so shocked! I couldn’t believe that. She had to be wrong! I wept bitterly for sometime. There was no way I could have flunked in it! It’s my favourite subject and I always scored well in it. I wanted to do Masters in pharmacology. And here someone tells me I failed in it! What could have possibly gone wrong?? Why did that happen to me? How could I show my shameful face to my parents, who expected so much from me, had so many hopes pinned on me??

Later I got a call from her again, that she heard the results wrong and that I had cleared all the subjects. Thank god for that! I was so much relieved. For a few moments I thought that all the world for me was lost and that the ground was swept off my feet! I was in utter confusion and distress. I would never forget the despair I went through. But it made me realize...what if I really couldn’t clear a subject? I promised myself that I will always study well and never allow such a situation to ever rise. Santa, please promise that I will fare well in my studies and career. My studies are always my priority.

Tonight I will celebrate Christmas with my sister on the terrace with some nice music playing. I have nicely decorated there. Hot and tasty bread sandwiches are on the menu. I’ve downloaded ‘Rab ne banadi jodi’. My sister and I will be watching the movie on the terrace.

Have a merry Christmas Santa! Thanks for giving me such a wonderful year and I hope that all the years which follow will be as promising or even better than this year for me, for my family and for everyone in this world!

I have been a good girl this year. You know what exactly to give me right? If I stayed up late, will you hug me?

Say hi to Rudolf for me. He might have a tough time tonight carrying heavy load of Christmas goodies in the cart.Is it very cold there? Get yourself red coloured warm woollen clothes. I will write to you next X-mas again. Happy New Year in advance! Bye!

Love, Aparna, Age 19

The other side of me

If you ask me who I am, I would say that I am a lifelong student. I may not be perfect, but I am always eager to learn something new, or from my past mistakes. There’s so much to gain from life. I remind myself to keep all my senses open, to know something new every single moment and what’s more wonderful than to have a reliable sixth sense or gut intuition which you can trust, to guide you the right path!

My dad gets transfers often. The new posting could be anywhere in the country..north, south, east or west .I have lived in five different cities and attended 7 different schools and 2 different colleges. I have a feeling we are nomads living in a mobile van. I always felt like a displaced person. I was the new kid on the block- an outsider, creating barrier to make friends. It was a very disruptive life. Each time I would start making friends it was time to say goodbye. Somehow this made me tough from inside, for good, that I have encountered various people, each with their own peculiar personalities. This made me independent. I don’t wait for anyone and don’t expect help from anyone. I am versatile—modern with a touch of conventionality. I can be garrulous or taciturn, rebellious or obedient, innocent or clever, confident or doubtful, brave or timid, simple or intricate. I am a blend of diverging personas. I really could not figure out who I am or what I am yet. I discover something new about myself as I live on, and constantly amaze myself with my potential, which eventually surfaces out, and about which I knew never existed in me.

I love my thoughts, my ideas, my abilities, my strenghts, my weaknesses, my personality, my mentality, my soul, my life and everything else which makes me, 'me '. I always dot an ''i '' or write the word ''me'' or sign my name with a heart...filled with a sense of pride, reverence, love and self-respect for myself.

Words are my forte. I can play with the English language and manipulate the opposite person to give in and say something by which I can have an advantage over him. I treat English language with veneration. The one commendable job the Britains did by ruling over us was to pass on the English legacy to us. I am so communicative and expressive in it. Not even my mother tongue makes me so comfortable. In all those new schools when I had to reach out my classmates and teachers, only English would come to my rescue. It was a bridge between us.

I’ve always found solace with books, novels, magazines and comics. I came to know a lot from them. Even back in school I used to look forward for the library period and I bet all my classmates in the number of books borrowed. I loved the literature class back in school. Our English teacher was very inspirational and she had complete command over English. It was she, who instilled the seed of love for prose, poetry and creative writing. If I were not studying pharmacy today, my choice would be, to become a column writer for newspapers.. or hopefully even a newspaper editor.


My English teacher once said that at the age of 21, one would be living the happiest moments of life. I am waiting to become 21 and wish my age would freeze then and there. I wish I had the power of turning back the time and rewinding the magic of 21 even after I cross it.



I might be only 19 but its like I've already lived a 30. I have witnessed so much in such a short span of my life...different people..different mentalities..different culture..different language..everything divergent and totally contrasting the previous place. I have traveled a lot and seen all there is to see in India...umm…atleast a major part of it. I agree that India holds a lot of beauty and tourist delights that it would take a lifetime to completely enjoy it. But nevertheless you can say I've 'been there, 'done that'.

If you asked me to define life, I would be at a total loss of words. I could say ‘it is a span of time and a series of experiences between life and death’…but on second thoughts ..isn’t life much more than that? The more you live the more enigmatic life becomes. And this enigma itself is the beauty of life. I think no one ever, however great one is, can define life in its ‘real’ sense, because no body has lived truly and to the fullest to provide a suitable definition to life. That’s because a lifespan of 100 years is very short to truly 'live'.


A 100 years is just a speck of grain in the hourglass to truly behold the beauties of earth. I would like to go on a world tour someday. Meeting different people and customs has become an inevitable part of my life though I welcomed it or not and now it has become my passion. I used to despise making new friends. I used to be shy trying to pretend I enjoyed being a loner. But now I have changed a lot. I am hungry of meeting new friends. As I come across someone new, it might take me time to melt away the emptiness in conversations, break the ice and delabel him as a ‘stranger’ but once that happens I am very talkative and it is very hard to zip my mouth. There is no stopping me when it comes to gossiping on the topic of books, music and movies—my 3 lifelines.

I am so used to new places that my stay in the place I live currently is making me suffocate and I can’t wait to get out of here and discover a new city. I am getting bored out of life here. Its like I am sleepwalking through my life. Its like I’ve already lived my life and living the same day again and again with nothing exciting or eventful happening. I am adventurous by heart but till now there came no chance along—no bungee jumping, no paragliding, no trekking, no camping and of that sorts. My time has gone out of sync with that of the world. I am still waiting for that one chance to prove myself and to show others and... even to myself who I really am.

My dad said he is expecting a transfer next year. I hope all these moments until next year melt off and in no time I get transcended to a new place and make new friends!

This is where I truly belong!

Its been 2 years since my last visit to B'lore. It has grown prettier and bigger. This is not like the city I lived 8 years ago. It has changed a lot. It seems strange to me. I feel lost here.

Friends have become busy. All the roads, shops, houses I know have all disappeared and replaced by something new.I thought I would be home away from home here. Rather, I feel suffocated and homesick. Living has become expensive. There's a towering hike in the prices. Autowallas charge atleast Rs.30 extra of the prices 8 years ago, for the same distances. The plate of idli costing Rs.10 then became Rs. 15 now. Even my favourite pani puri prices have gome up by Rs.5. People have forgotten their sweet manners.O.k I am generalising this...but my encounter with an auto driver made me misconceptualise that way. The city seems busy and rude. I feel like a fish out of a pond.

Umm.. not that I completely dislike it. I do welcome these changes. After all life can't stay stangnant. After second thoughts, I started appreciating the novelity and modernity of the city. I am actually enjoying my stay here. I've met my friends after a long time but the same familiarity and intimacy returned even after all this empty gap in time. Neither distance nor time could break us apart.

I've been adventurous and explored this city...atleast for some part of jayanagar. The streets have changed a lot. But still that nostalgic feeling lingers over me and grips me when I walk down the sreets. Everything seems vaguely familiar.. yet strange. I have a deja vu feeling that I 've already walked these roads, spoke to the shopkeepers, purchased in the same shop, ate in the same fast food joint, went to the same temple eight years ago...but I am not sure if this is my first encounter or not. I have an illusion of previously experiencing all this.

I almost had to fight back my tears when I had a glimpse at my old home at W.M.S campus at jayanagar. The campus has developed a lot. The kids of my X-neighbours grew older. I smiled at them but realized they don't recognise me anymore when they did'nt return my smiles.New buildings, gardens and more greenery around in the campus. I felt a strong urge to come back here again and claim my home. But it belongs to someone else now.

I played shuttle with my friend . The old times when I used to play badminton everyday without fail, flashed before me. I was hardly able to hit the cock now...I lost touch with the game.I can no longer speak Kannada fluently and back then I could even write in that language. I may not be a part of the city now. I'll be here only for a month.I am just a visitor or a tourist desperately asking the passer-bys directions for destinations. I hate the sick feeling of hesitation and uncomfort when I stay in someone's else home as a guest.

Someday I'll have my own home here.Then I can proudly say I am a Bangalorean. I know after my studies, I'll settle here and live here forever.This is where I truly belong!

Yeah...I'll be back!!..I promise.

Are you at the other end of the bridge?

Nostalgia gripped me when I looked back at my photo album. It was a class picture filled with memories...that are just a part of bits of photo paper now.

I was cleaning my shabby room after lots of pesterings from my mom.I retracted old class albums in the process.Its been years that I've had even a mere glance on them.They were a part of past.Flipping through the photos,and recalling bitter old memories I felt so nostalgic.They were all my friends once.I don't know where they are now,how they are now.
I was surprised I remember all their names...Santhosh,Rachana,Madhuri,Varsha,Tanmay, Athulya....Athulya...that name woke up a sick, strange darkness in me.

We were classmates from U.K.G to class III.I always admired him in class secretly.He always stood first in class and was a favourite among teachers.He was a really cute boy..with a pink face and chubby cheeks.He was a rich kid and half -American- born.He let only 'class A' people in his friends circle and obviously I was'nt a part of it.He rarely looked in my way, let alone talking to me.

My joy knew no bounds when my teacher made him my benchmate in class III.He was sitting to my immediate left!!Oh how I used to love going to school then.There used to be only awkward silence between us.We rarely spoke to each other.I used to feel my heart racing even to ask him if I could borrow from him a pencil.

It was his birthday the other day.He throws up pompous parties on his birthday to which I was never invited.It was break-time and he was distributing party invitations among his close friends.I was lying down on the desk gloomily and wondering of all the possible ways I could impress him and get admission to his 'class A' friends group.Maybe I should buy an expensive b'day gift and win his heart...But what do I give?...he has everything in this whole world.

He came from behind and interrupted my thoughts.

Him:Aparna
Me:(startled): Yeah. Happy birthday Athulya.
Him:Thank you.Well, here's the invitation for my party.My house address is mentioned in the card.The party is at 5ó clock.I would be glad if you could make it to my party.
Me(with dropped jaw, dilated pupils and stammering):Eh...um.....su-sure.I w-would be r-really h-happy...
He did notice my tension and smiled back at me.The sweetest killer smile any boy could have.Next he distributed toffees in a bowl to the class.He came to me offering chocolates in the bowl.
Him:Which chocolate do you like?This is with nuts and fruit and that's with almond and this's with raisins...

I really had difficulty choosing the right one with so many options available.Seeing me perplexed he picked up a 50-dollar chocolate from his pocket which I guess is a special gift from his grandpa in America.He distributed only 2 -rupee candies to others but gave an American imported chocolate to me!I could see people getting jealous around.I muttered thank you to him.It felt really nice inside that he gave away a special gift to me.And all these years I thought he didn't care about me.He looks at the other way when I look at him as if I did'nt even exist.I thought he would'nt even know my name and he offered to invite to his party to which only his close friends are allowed.I was totally wrong.Maybe even he wanted to befriend me.But I guess neither of us had the guts to break the ice between us.

In the party I had a great time,played many games and ate delicious food.I won in 'paasing the parcel' and got a goody gift in return.We became good friends in the party and from the next day in class we were totally comfortable with each other and clicked on really well.

 


He used to come to my house too for collecting notes if he was absent to class.And whenever I go to his home he used to teach me a great deal about computer.

That was 11 years ago.My dad got transferred to Bangalore later and I lost contact from him.I don't have his phone number now.And its been too long.I don't think he would even remember my name now.I don't know where he is now.The last time I heard about him was from my old friend that he was preparing for IIT and looking for studying in abroad.I thought of searching for him in orkut but I don't know his full name.I let those memories fade away from my mine too...until I saw that photo album.

I don't know of what importance I hold to him in his life.But to me he is my best friend.I don't care if he doesn't consider me as his friend now or if he does'nt even remember that a girl called Aparna existed and that I was his classmate once.You must have heard of one-way-love.This is one-way-friendship.