A slip between cup and lip

I am saturated with the marathon holiday break that I have now. An idle mind is a devil's workshop. I pestered my parents for almost a month to grant me money for buying novels to pass my time. I prepared my wish-list of all the novels that I wanted to read since an year. My town doesn't have a good bookstore. So I waited till we went to a two-day trip to Kolkata. The itinerary was tightly packed and both the days were reserved by my mother for trips to Kalighat Durga mandir and Dakshineshwar Durga mandir. I requested fell on my parent's feet and begged to take me to college street, where I heard that there is Asia's largest book market selling novels in second-hand. Finally, they obliged. I went hysterical with so many options of novels available. I picked 13 novels and waited for the moment I could come to my hometown and devour them page-by-page. My mother purchased infinite Bengali cotton saris at New market.

I and my mother had to return to our hometown while my father had to stay back on office purpose. Our luggage weighed more than the prescribed limit of 40 Kgs specified for cargo on the flight back to home. My mother made me leave all the books with my dad but did not reduce even one sari of her's though I was repeatedly pleading her. It will take two months for my father to return from his official tour.

The previous day I stacked all those novels into a tall tower and was jumping with joy at my acquisition  The next day I was dejected at the airport as I had to leave behind my bag full of novels.

A little bit of honesty goes a long way

Incident-1

From Rajiv Gandhi International airport, Hyderabad, I had to catch a morning flight to Kolkata. Not wishing to eat the bland breakfast served in flight I decided to have breakfast in the airport. I ordered a plate of Guntur-Idly in a food joint at the airport which costed a whopping price of Rs.85! In a hurry, unable to yield to a large queue of customers, the cashier gave the bill to me but surprisingly, got confused and did not take money for the order. I tried to tell him but he refused to listen to me and shooed me away saying I was holding the line of customers.

Oh shoot! I thought the restaurant won’t suffer losses if it didn't charge one plate. I had the free breakfast triumphantly, happy that I saved a lot of money. Seriously Rs. 85 for two idlis is too much!! I planned on eating soon and slipping away lest he realizes his mistake later. I was gulping down the idly and then midway I had my guilty conscience probing and disturbing me.  I could not eat any further. Then and there, I got up, went behind the counter and explained to him that by mistake he forgot to take money from me. He was very happy at my honesty and thanked me. He said that his boss would have chided him at the end of the day if the cash and the bill accounts did not tally and he would had to pay from his own pocket. It might not be a big transaction, but I felt very good with my sincerity and ate the rest of my breakfast in peace.

Incident-2

I was shopping with my family on a hot mid-afternoon.  My father was very tired and hungry. He wanted to buy a plate of fruit salad from a vendor on the street. The vendor handed over the plate to my dad but my dad was unable to hold it properly and so it fell on the road strewing the pieces of fruits here-and-there.  Disappointed and hungry my dad gave the vendor his money and we proceeded to go home. But the vendor called us back and gave another plate and did not accept money for the second plate which was totally unexpected.

He earned my respect as he was a man of strong integrity, who didn't feel greedy for money though it was rightfully his, only because his customers were not satisfied. 

Turning Back Yesterday

Retrospecting from a distant future point in timeline I can say that what I did was completely wrong. Standing where I am today I can for sure blame the reason of the events of the past on me. But why didn’t I even have inkling then that my future self will regret the mistakes my past-self did. I get far-fetched and crazy thoughts in desperation to make everything alright again. Maybe I should use a time-machine and undo that event? Maybe I should invent an analyse-o-metre to guard me against doing such awful and silly mistakes again?

Maybe my sense of premonition that was supposed to warn me about ensuing threats to relationships was numbed at that time.

As of today, I can say that a tiny misunderstanding creates the biggest voids in best of relations.

As of today, I can say that relationships are fragile like glass. Pleasurable to have if handled carefully. But one reckless slip from your hand and you lose it all. A vitreous structure carved out elegantly now. A thousand gleaming pieces next. Only tiny shreds of glass strewn on the floor remain to reminisce the beauty of it. But pick up a piece of it , and there it gives a nasty cut on the hand as a reprimand that you were reckless enough to let it go, and make it crash tumbling to the floor only when you thought you had it all and owned it completely.

If I could ever write a book on this then I would christen the title as ‘the two mistakes of my life’.

One -imagining rubbish and squashing down a beautiful gift of love and friendship with my own hands. I remember every Christmas, I would write to Santa, that I be given someone to share and care. It was there right in front of me but I was foolish enough to let my egos blind my way. She moved on, but I couldn’t.

Two - Not trying to break the ice after I argued with Neil and being egotistic to say sorry on time. The stance of being not in talking terms stretched for too-a-long time and now it doesn’t even matter to my friend that I don’t talk to him at all. He was used that way…of me being non-existent and ignoring him completely. He doesn’t care anymore now. He thinks I don’t care too. But the truth is I do. Very much.

What all can I do now? I can regret. I can cry. Alas I don’t have a heart brave enough to say that word.

I know things will be mended and will fall back into place with that one tiny but powerful word.

It is true. Sorry seems to be the hardest word.

If You Only Knew

She wanted to go home to celebrate her birthday with family. I was adamant that she should celebrate it in the hostel with her friends. With her best friend. Me.


I was confused thinking about the right gift for her from many days. She was my good friend and how could I ever repay her and let her know how special she was to me. Birthdays are the perfect time to express love and friendship and let one know how important that one is.

Greeting card? Chocolates? Trendy anklets? Branded watch? Teddy bear? Plaster of Paris show piece? Parker pen? …………


Finally I zeroed in on chocolates. I bought a gift for her many weeks in advance and waited more than her for her birthday to approach. She has a sweet tooth…just absolutely adores everything sweet and chocolaty! I went to the Forum mall where I know a shop which sells candies, confectionaries and chocolates exclusively. An ultimate place not to be missed by any choco-lover! I selected the best assorted foreign chocolates in all flavours- choco with rum, raisins, almonds, orange, strawberry, melon, tooty-fruity....


Finally it was the day of her birthday. With the gift of chocolate pack, I attended her birthday bash. She was cutting the cake. I went near her expecting I would be the first person to get a bite from her cake as normally best friend gets that chance. I stopped in midway shocked that she was feeding another two girls the first piece of cake. She made a new best friend and completely ignored me which broke my heart! Everyone who thought we were best pals were surprised too and wondered what went wrong between us. I was embarrassed and just fiddled with my cell camera pretending to click photos of them and acted as if I am very cool with this unexpected new development. A shocking twist in the tale it was!


I didn’t feel like staying through the rest of the party. This new development was not sudden, I admit. It was right there in front of my eyes, but I failed to see it would be this harsh on the face. Of late our friendship was going through a rough phase that I should have foreseen it. But completely ignoring me was too inconsiderate and callous on her part. I would have never done that even to my worst of enemies.

The gift of chocolates with its shiny wrapper lay in my hands. Waiting to be given and to be received. I clutched it tight unable to find a way to wade through the crowd and give it to her. She was the cynosure in the party hall, dancing, laughing loud and having the best time in the world with her new friends. That’s right also. It was her birthday and she was supposed to be happy. And I was wrong to take things for granted and not trying hard enough to not let her go. I was wrong to be jealous that she found new friends. Maybe I couldn’t make her happy. Maybe I couldn’t be what she expected from her friend. Maybe…


I called her on her mobile to wish even though I was a few feet away from her. She received it coldly as if I was some stranger. That’s what I am now to her –a no-one, just another random person she came across.I walked out of the party.

I threw the gift on the way into a trash bin. It was useless when she wouldn’t acknowledge with how much love I brought it to her. How unlucky was my gift that it couldn’t accomplish its intended destination!

Frozen Desires

I am so happy!

Today has to be the happiest day in my life. The below zero temperature outside with breezing snow is so contrary to my present mood- so bright, brimming with happiness as warm as summer sunshine. Today I shall reveal my feelings to him. Now or never, I decide. For how long do I hesitate fearing his reaction? I am sure he will respond positively. My gut intuition never lets me down. I can see it in his every gesture, the very way he looks at me longingly, speaks volumes about how much he adores me. But yes, I know he is shy to propose. Just like me. But I shall make things easier for us.

Fresh roses! Bright red! I stop near the florist and buy roses. Roses have so rightly been symbolic of budding love for long. The beauty of the petals standing for the splendour of charming love. The thorns standing for the difficulties one has to face through to succeed in love. I can smell the pervasive fragrance of love in the air. Yes today is the day! What is it with love? Everything feels so poetic and beautiful- like the white specks of falling snow dotted against the red backdrop of the rose.

After one whole year of silently and secretly admiring him, the secret can no longer be contained in my heart. Love just one thing? No, love is to show, to express, to spread, to feel, to reciprocate!

I invite him for dinner to my place. The flickering fire burning in the fireplace makes the room very warm and cosy. He catches the look of delight in my twinkling eyes. He feels the electricity in the air… expecting something that will prove to be the biggest moment of our lives.
What is it with love? Can you read each other’s minds? As if there’s an invisible bond connecting our hearts. Thinking alike and feeling in unison…

The roses wait to be given and to be received…to be held testimony of our love. Relaxing, on the sofa, by the fireplace and watching the fire dancing brightly he says, ‘Today is the best day in my life dear!’

How right I was that our love was a mutual feeling!

‘Yes! Mine too!’ I say

‘I am glad you feel happy for me.’

‘I feel happy for us’

‘I waited for one whole year. Never got this chance.’

‘What? One year? You too?’

‘And finally Rachael agreed to marry me!'

‘Oh? I am happy for you. Truly!’

‘She has made me a happy man! I will leave now. Thanks for the lovely dinner’

I see his silhouette fading away with the growing distance, and try hard to fight back my tears. He for even once doesn't glance back. Love just one thing? No it is to hide, to sacrifice, to conceal, to forgo, to hurt!


The flames in the fireplace dampen long after he leaves, but the ashes keep burning…just like my fiery hot tears that stream down my cheeks. I throw the rose out of the window into the harsh wintry snow. It lays there, ignored, frozen in the chill, and piled below the sheets of ice and snow.


Whom could I blame? I kept listening to whatever he didn't utter. Without any reason I weaved high hopes. I presumed his unvoiced feelings. I took his love to be granted, conjuring love out of thin air, when it really didn’t exist.

Weeks fly by. Seasons change. Nothing is temporary.

The ice melts and the first rays of spring sunshine streak through the dried, barren stems of the trees, and touch the ground. As the layers of snow disappear one-by-one, I see my rose wilted and withered ashen brown.

Discovering The Oasis Of Dreams

The sun emanated heat mercilessly that reflected from the vitreous sand of the desert.The vast expanse of barren terrain stretched in all four directions till the horizon.


The sky was bright reddish orange blazing like a furnace. I shielded my face and body from the roasting fire with my hands but there was no escape from the sun rays which pervaded ominously. There was no shade anywhere in sight. Not even one faint streak of green till my eyes could gaze.


I was wandering barefoot beyond and forth in search of my dream destination- the oasis of life.

My legs quivered with fatigue. My lips parched and throat dried with thirst. The intensity of the heat burnt me up firing and twinging my skin and sucked up water dehydrating me. It felt as if someone was poking my throat down till the chest with a fiery fork.


The air felt papery thin and light in the heat and couldn't fill my breath. I had to take gulps of it from my mouth too, and though how much ever I sucked in with my laborious breaths, I felt dizzy and light-headed.
The gust of wind baked my airways as I inhaled.There was a tinge of blanched redness that coloured my skin. My sandpaper tongue stuck to the dried pallet and teeth.

My feet seeped in the heaps of sand, and it was very tiresome striding in the sinking sand. The soles of my feet were blazing in fire.


My thoughts were muddled. I could see wild imagery of sparkling water of oasis dancing in front of my eyes.The oasis- my dream destination. It disappeared the next second and reappeared again.

I couldn't distinguish reality from visions and mirages played hide and seek with me every moment deceiving my perceptions and tricking my every step farther away into the deadness of the land.

I wanted to howl and cry but the tears never came from my dry eyes.

I wanted to scream at the crest of my voice but only faint shrills came from my dry throat.

My heart was slowing down, the beats now only faintly audible and weak. I fell face down on the sand.

But in my innate heart I was happy- happy that finally I could have made it to my destination of oasis if I wanted to.


But you know what...I didn't want to. I decided not to proceed towards that oasis to check whether it really existed or that my eyes were just deceiving me. Perhaps I was afraid to find out the truth. I was afraid to bear the heart breaking disappointment I would have to go through after learning that the dream destination which was a part-and-parcel of my night's dreams, was actually just as barren and dry like the rest of the desert.

May be it would not have been a desert.Possibilities are there that it could have been an oasis- an oasis of life, of hope, of fresh spring and greenery right in the heart of the dry lifeless desert.

Sure I would have missed a lot by deciding not to venture there and confirming my doubts. May be the oasis would have given me a new life, being a quenching answer for my parching thirst.

But what if it was just like the rest of the desert? All the dreams I have spun for six years, thinking that, 'yes one day I will find my oasis , and then I will no longer have to suffer the drudgery of the desert' would shatter like a thin pane of glass in split seconds. How could I live through my shattered dream?- the very dream which is making me live in the first place...


So my dream destination was just a stone's throw away from me and I died a happy death in the belief that I succeeded.I could have actually walked there and drank the water from the oasis and lived, but I decided otherwise.

It was better to die happy in a false faith that there existed my destination right there at my reach and I've succeeded in my journey...than to have had discovered that my laborious efforts had bit the dust and that my journey set out to find my dream destination never actually existed.


Some dreams are meant only to be dreamt. In reality there are quite different from the virtual images you've created. Don't make an effort to make them true. It would be shocking to discover the truth that they don't stand up to the fancy image you've painted. Better just be satisfied in your dreams.

Random thoughts -2

At this point of time I feel so insecure. The future is all bleak. I'm so scared about what tomorrow might bring to my life.

Is it wrong to dream and to wish? And it pinches so hard in the heart if the dreams don't come true. More so when you know you will suffocate doing something you don't like, being among people you connect to the least. And then there's something you love doing from all your heart, but the dream is almost impossible to achieve...

It wouldn't atleast hurt so bad if god didn't give the ability to imagine....the ability to dream.

But then again I think I can atleast be satisfied in my dreams momentarily...even though it is far-fetched from reality. It is my only hope...the only bright streak of light at the end of the dark tunnel.

Without dreams my life would be so boring , without any anticipation of what tomorrow would hold for me. I would lead my life, each day being the same as if I've already lived my entire life in this 20 years till the very end, just passing time to meet my end, seen everything already... my days without fun, pleasure and hope. What is the point of living such an uneventful monotonous life when each day is just the same?








Atleast in my wildest imagination, of which I have a control over, I can wish for my dreams to come true and spin a dreamy web of thoughts in my mind's eye and live with a hope that one day my life will become like how I want it to be. God might not fulfil my wishes, but he can't claim my dreams and imaginations right?

So I am happy I can atleast dream of a fun life. My dreams and wishes sustain me.They give me a chance to be everything I ever wanted to be, giving everything I ever wanted to have.

The cauliflower thieves

I along with my mom, cousin and her family went to visit a Shiva temple in the outskirts of Bangalore. The countryside was so picturesque with lush green fields fresh with bountiful produce of vegetables and flowers. It was like a scene right out of farmville, only that this was for real.


We prayed fervently to God to bestow upon us virtues and keep us healthy, happy and prosperous. I went to the extent of writing series of letters full of demands and wish-list, folded it and kept it in God's chamber so that he will read it later and grant my wishes:)

The shiva idol was so majestic and divine that it commanded full faith and devotion even from me who usually claims to be an agnostic. He mesmerised me with his charisma.

After visiting the deity, we were walking along the fields towards our car. The fresh and voluminous cauliflowers on the field tempted us. The farmer was away and there was no one in sight so that we could buy them right from the field.

All our prayers to God to confer us with pure thoughts and behaviour went futile and we shamelessly pounced on the fields and plucked two cauliflowers...that too after visiting a pious temple to erase away our sins.

We all worked like a team of skillful and expert robbers. I and my cousin plucked cauliflowers from the wet soil, my mother took it from us and removed the leaves and roots, my uncle wiped away the soil, and my aunt kept the car doors open and pushed us inside as soon as the work was done and drove away so that we could escape fast.

We thought the next time we would come by these fields we should keep a knife handy in the car to cut and uproot vegetables easily and bring along lots of bags and later sell them at double the price in markets. At this rate we team of expert thieves can loot even a bank ! It is sad that right now we are just cauliflower thieves.


I am sure right now you must be cursing us and thinking that it is because of unscrupulous people like us farmers are suffering losses and committing suicides. But hey it was just two cauliflowers !

Maybe by the next time we go there, the farmer would be extra vigilant, and construct electric fences, laser alarms and sirens !

We were so thrilled with our shameless little adventure that it gave us a kick and we kept pitying and cracking jokes on the poor farmer. As this is off-season, they would have costed atleast Rs.20 each. Ya ya...I know all the hype just for such a small amount, but we were just beginners rehearsing before we can construct a master plan to rob a bank.


The aloo-gobi sabji my mom made with the stolen cauliflowers was extra delicious I tell you.


This petty theft of us reminded my uncle so many such naughty incidents that happened in his childhood. He narrated one such incident and our small theft seemed nothing in front of his crafty mischief.

My uncle in his childhood was so naughty and clever. He would offer help to his neighbour, an old lady, for plucking mangoes by climbing the tree. She would be very grateful for his offer. My uncle would actually throw more mangoes when that old lady looked away into the hay stack hidden at the other side of the wall than rightfully throw into the basket meant for her. She would wonder why there were so many mangoes hanging on the tree but only few of them in the basket :P


So finally I had a lot of fun time with my cousin and her family in Bangalore. We laughed at the cauliflower theft for half a day. Maybe that was what made the trip to the temple more special and memorable. Otherwise it would be just a normal visit to the temple.

On the way we found jasmine fields also. We bought them rightfully from the field by paying the farmer , so it isn't as thrilling as stealing cauliflowers.

I will make a garland out of those jasmine flowers and offer it to the Shiva deity next time I go to that temple and ask him to overlook and forgive my petty sin of theft :)

The final day

Tomorrow I shall attend the last day of college. I'll be the last one to graduate after finishing my practical viva voce in Pharmaceutical analysis as my Roll number is last -- an embarrassing 69 out of 69 class strength. Thank God from now on I need not put up with giggles from my classmates due to its naughty implications whenever my roll number is called .I always used to wonder these 4 years why only this shameful number was alotted to me out of the infinite numbers available.

On the first day of my college, Jitendra sir told us that we have to stay here for 4 whole years which to me felt like a very loooong time and that it will take forever for my course to get over. As I've shifted 10 schools, I am in constant need of change and fresh faces around. But then I feel astonished as these days spanned by soon and before I knew it, here comes the final showdown tomorrow.

As I look back, I have seen so many happy days and sad days.


Sad days because--I couldn't cope up with politics played by classmates, the tough nature to sport and survival of the fittest game in hostel, rude behaviour by seniors, hectic schedule in practicals and theory classes, the exam tension, slogging from text books heavier than me, always missing home and mom, cursing the unpalatable and unidentifiable mess food, standing in queues for everything in hostel right from bathrooms to breakfast etc, petty quarrels with room mates over "I want to switch off the lights as I'm sleepy"....."No, I want lights switched on for studying!!!"

Happy days because I had ..umm...fun in my own measure (i always think fun is an over-rated word). Hostel life made me brave and tough and now I am confident that I won't feel like a fish out of a pond wherever I go. The gossips and chit-chats we girls had, the teasing, the fun-poking incidents, the pranks we played, imitating lecturers, cheating in the exam and devising innovative novel ways to copy right under the nose of the invigilator, the birthday bashes and b-day bumps, the way we shamelessly just need any irrelavant excuse like neighbour's sister's dog's birthday of our classmates to levy money and loot them bankrupt demanding to throw parties, flirting with boys, making them do all the practical experiments for us, asking the boys to recharge our mobile balance etc etc ...like how any other normal college going student enjoys his/her life.

I remember that in my 7th class, I had to read out a paragraph from my science text book aloud to the class. There was this word 'pharmaceuticals' and I didn't know how to pronounce it. I read it as ' pharma- "cute"- ticals' and my teacher instantly corrected me as 'pharma-"syu"-ticals'.

I didn't even know how to pronounce pharmaceutics back then, but now I hold a graduation degree in pharmaceutical sciences!! I love pharmacology branch in my course. My heart beats for it, as it is so interesting. I always scored outstanding marks in it. I hope to clear my PG entrance exam and do Masters in pharmacology.

Will I miss my friends and college?


No.



I've always wanted a change. I'm looking forward to the new college I can get into and the new people I can meet than feel sad missing my present classmates. I've grown out of them now. I did have fun with them and some memories I'll cherish forever. But I don't want my life to be stagnant and revolve around the same people.

Article to The Hindu's Collegian collumn

More than the news, 'media' is in the news these days

Media is irrefutably the fourth pillar of democracy,but it should not misuse its vested responsibility in the aegis of its constitutional prerogative of 'the freedom of press'.News channels in order to gain TRP's and to have an edge over their competitors are in a mad rush to telecast sensational tidbits in the name of 'breaking news' before others air it and in that process fail to check the credibility of the same.They compromise on facts and draw conclusions from vague data available,and by the time the authenticity is crosschecked, enough irrevocable damage would already have been done.The attack on reliance outlets and misquoting of Shashi Taroor's statements are just two such instances which clearly reflects media's professionalism or lack thereof.Editors of print media and heads of news channels should assert their reporters not to rely on personal views, biases, rumours and dubious websites and insist on fetching news only from reliable and verified sources.

Let me go

Why did you let me go?

Wasn't I a big fool? To not see how much you loved me? Your eyes were a testimony to the brightly flickering love your heart contained for me. I ridiculed your love. I guess I took your love for granted. Like the ever punctual sun which rises at daybreak without fail. I overlooked the fact that clouds can clog the sun rays to streak through and give rise to perpetual darkness. Worse still, polar sky doesn't see advent of dawn as sun sinks below the horizon during winter solstice.You were my eyes, providing rose hued perspective to perceive the beauty of the world. And there I was, blind to even something right in front of me and pristinely visible, as the unconditional love you showered on me.

You didn't for once hesitate to entrust your heart---the vitality of existence, to me. But there I was, pinching the very same heart which loved me.

I was on a mission to lament on your every move, trying to pick out errors and reproaching at your otherwise too perfect character. I made it a point to torment you, and make your life a virtual inferno. You tolerated stoically saying not one word against me. You overlooked all my mistakes and held nothing against me. There was not a wee bit decrement in your irrefragable love for me.

I openly showed my growing disinterest towards you. I deliberately dissented with you,argued at every possible word you said and quarrelled over trivial matters. Anything to show that you were unwelcome now and that I needed you no longer. All those times, you stood mum and submissive, supporting my ridiculous point of view though you knew I was being illogical.

I did see you when you were alone and all by yourself, you would cry heartfully wondering at what might have possibly gone wrong with our relationship. Wasn't it just yesterday that I promised my love will be eternal, and will stand the test of time? And today I forget my own promise I made to you.I saw your eyes replete with tears unable to see my love diminish for you. You would blame yourself,ascribing my change in behaviour as your own fault rather than sensibly reasoning to my own sadism. Watching you shed tears, I would smirk that my whole plan to get rid of you was working.


You were there for me, when I went on risking my life seeking precarious adventures and chasing after false vanity.

When I ventured into the sea of storm, you were my harbour keeping me safe after ship-wreck.

When I was gasping for air, drowning in the dark waters, you were my breath and respite.

Eventually you saw that I was no longer happy with you. It disheartened you to finally come to terms that you were not the one for me. You realised that the relationship has gone far beyond the threshold that anyone could mend. You stepped back, retreated far away from my sight and from your heart-of-hearts wished that I find true love and everlasting happiness elsewhere

But now i ask you ....why did you let me go?

Even after all these years, I could not find anyone who would selflessly love back as you could. You realised that you were not the one for me. But you know what? I was not the one for you. I was a fool to reject your love

Now, I want to come to you, plead you to forgive me and accept me back. But then it dawns upon me, that it's too late. Our relationship has really gone beyond the threshold that anyone can mend.




It was a foolish thing to have you let me go. To be the reason of my own downfall. I conspired to free myself from the shackles of your protective arms. I thought it was your heart that I crushed. But it was my own heart that I stabbed and now it is bleeding profusely.

Sinking ship

You are at the cross roads of life...

Paths-a-many lay in front of you...

You are clueless as to what to choose...

Do you know that feeling?


I feel it right now. And it stifles me.I'm here at the most crucial juncture of my life...where I need to make this one quick decision and save my whole life from tumbling and crashing down.

Once I decide there's no changing it. Or swapping it with something else. It's final. No time for regrets. No time to analyse if I've taken the right step or not.

I'm afraid when I think of the consequences. What if I falter and tread in the wrong road? On the road not meant for me...the road winding and curving into deeper darker abyss...taking me into unknown where I shouldn't have been. What if there's no light? What if there's darkness consuming me? What if there's no air to breathe? What if it is full of enemies and hostility ready to tear me down?

What if.....??

There are two main roads (many other smaller bifurcations which I can overlook--

One-- This is where my heart is. My love depends on it. My soul drags me into it headlong....and I am afraid if I will make a bumpy collision. For I don't know what awaits me. I am not even sure why my heart is being pulled towards it- into a place too dark where I can't see the end.So many conditions and practical considerations for achieving 'it'. But my heart says 'nothing else matters' and ' I don't care'.Tougher one also. For it is long and I need to sweat to toil it. But the fruits are sweeter eventually. If everything goes according to plan , then I am going to be the happiest in the world. The question is : will everything go according to plan? So there's a lot of uncertainty about it. It is based on so many impractical and irrational factors.

And then there's road TWO--The easier one. The sensible one also.Perhaps? Quick and comforting. But I know I won't be happy. I just know it. My heart will feel suffocated. It's far...too far actually. And I'm not too sure of it. Nobody I know has taken it. Do I overlook my heart's cries for desperate help when I choose this road? Should I stab my heart and turn a deaf ear to it? It actually is easier to not heed my heart. For to listen to its howling bothers me more. I might as well lock it and throw it somewhere. Oh crap, I might as well slash my wrists and make my heart to stop thumping. Do I venture far out in the desert where I know not one friendly soul just because it gives me momentary pleasure and pleases my vanity? For how long do I keep wandering in search of the oasis?

And then there's time constraint breathing on my neck, with that annoying tick-tick sound bothering me and preventing me from thinking clearly. People await my decision ...their constant gaze is on my foot wondering where I will step on.


I feel like an aimless sinking sink. A ship on the verge of a wreck, just awaiting and counting seconds before ramming into the ice-berg. I'm doomed anyway.No particular destination to report to... just aimlessly wandering and being carried by the dictating waves. My decision alters with the changing winds. Even faster than the bat of an eyelid. I'm unsure of 'it'...of myself...of my future....of my love....of my life....of people around...of why the bloody hell I was born in the first place?????

But then I can't just sit here and wait, while weighing my options and making a fool of me.

Special day

It was a special day for me. Would it be special for him too?

I had no particular plans as such for my birthday. All I wanted to do is head to the beach and gaze at the orange sunset with him.

But I had to go alone. My heart was sure that he would still come later and erase my loneliness. He could be angry with me, but I know his anger would melt on my birthday. He would soon stand beside me to make us a sweet couple.

The beautiful sunset and its image glowing on the sea, waves splashing out against the rocks, cool breeze flowing by around......all this brought a smile onto my face. It is everytime that the sea looks this beautiful.

I don't know why, but I never noticed all this before. Maybe it was because, at those times all I used to think was about someone else.

But this time, there's no one else to think about.

With a broken heart and tears rolling down my cheek, I wrote 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME' on the sand.


Everything was the same...same place, same time of the year, sane sunset, same waves, same breeze....but the absence of him made a huge difference.


A wave came swirling and erased all those words. Others would mark out that as bad omen. But I considered those waves as a friend who came to wish me 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY'.

All the sad memories and thoughts melted away and I celebrated that special day with the nature around. My loneliness on that day was hurting me, but those waves who came like an uninvited pal in my party were like a sparkle in the darkness and an elixir to my wounds.


P.S: Written by my 16 yr old sister, Akhila.

Acknowledgements of my upcoming book

I thought of a wonderful plot for my novel which is going to be out in the near future. I hope some reputed publishers like the manuscript and agree to print my work. So people, watch out for author Aparna's upcoming book!

Here's the preview of the acknowledgements page just for the benefit of you folks! Well, they say that a work in development should not be revealed before it is ready, but here it is anyway.


A huge thank you--


To my Parents, for buying and letting me read novels rather than academic books. For their patience to bear my tantrums and pocket money demands.

To the Jayanagar street pirated novel sellers, for making all the wonderful novels available at an affordable cost. Never mind that some pages go missing and that the print is bad.
For taking pity on me and not trying to sell pirated copies of this particular novel.

To my best friend Reeha, for proof reading the entire novel and making umpteen suggestions. (Finally by incorporating all of them my novel didn't turn out the way I wanted it to be!)

To the heartthrob and imaginary Nick, with love. For making me smile whenever I think of his name. For making me experience what love, fantasy and pain is.

To Edward cullen, for letting me imagine him as a temporary boyfriend until I find one. And for introducing me to fantastic creatures like vampires and werewolves to dream all night.

To my sister Akhila-the little menace maker, for giving me various ideas to write this tragedy novel. Without her my life would have been peaceful and I wouldn't have had a first-hand experience of troubles and tribulations.

To my Kolkata brothers- Prithwish, Anwesh and Aersh for being the inspiration behind writing fiction.

To maverick, for always kindling sparks of inspiration in me to write beautiful, heart-touching masterpieces.

To Ruben, for pointing me out that my life could be interesting too during the times I felt my life was monotonous.
To Ste and Rashi, for introducing me to a creative writers union called 'Writer's lounge'.

To Arun Kumar, Brocasarea, Ashish Gaurav, ani_aset, Aritra, NJ, cutestangel, Nazish R for always going through the kilometer long blog posts I write. Thank you for the patience.

To Nevil, for being Avalanche and making me his Kitty.


And here's the plot of my story.
























































Actually I only thought about the acknowledgements and how the cover page is going to be till now. I'm still racking my brains for a good story. So folks, pray that some brainwave strikes me soon!


P.S : Please refrain from buying pirated copies of my novel even if it costs Rs. 600.

Signed, sealed and delivered

Dear Love of the future,

Where are you? Why didn't you find me yet? Every night I lay in the corner of my room, on the cozy bed and look out of the window waiting for you. I think of a million questions which whirl in the air around me demanding answers.

How do you look? I hope you look cute and boyishly handsome. Do you sing well? I want you to hold me and sing lullabies to me as I sleep blissfully knowing nothing can harm me if I laid in your arms. We can sing duets together also. I want you to teach me guitar. I'm so lazy to attend the music classes. I can't dance that well. That won't be a problem to you, would it?


I want you to love me for who I am and not someone prettier or smarter. I'm a little shy, timid and nervous. Please don't mind that. When we bump into each other the first time, I might be bad at breaking the ice. I'm not so good with new people. But as I will get to know you, I won't be able to stop chatting. I can get so talkative without a break. Will you listen to me attentively or just pretend so like all my friends do?

Please say 'I love you' to me very often. I need to be assured from my insecurities. Please compliment on my outfits and say I look good everyday because I am a sucker for compliments. Oh and I should say that when I blush out of shyness or cry or laugh too much, my face goes pink and my eyes get small.

Please be patient with me when we go shopping. Don't expect me to pay the bills when we go on a date because for some unknown reasons I always run low on cash. And also, I will give only missed calls because I am a miser when it comes to mobile balance. Please promptly call me back then. Actually call me very, very frequently like 4 or 5times or even more in an hour.


 I hate non-veg. So don't expect company from me when we head to Mc Donald's.I don't understand cricket. So it won't be fun for you if you are planning to watch IPL together with a witty girl with whom you can discuss and comment on the game moves, the cricketers and all. But I want to impress you. So I will ask my friend tomorrow to tutor me on cricket.

I hope you listen to the same kind of music like I do and read same kind of novels like I do. I want you to share my interests when it comes to books and music. It would be fun, to lay down on the couch and discuss about a common favourite band or our favourite author's upcoming book.

Can we build a tree house by the side of the sea and live secluded from the rest of the world? I need all the privacy in the world! Can we keep puppies as pets honey? My room mate's boy friend hates dogs. I hope you don't think the same. Please gift me two cute Lhasa dogs for my birthday this time. I have thought of their names also-- pebble and bubble.


Don't forget to wish me on my birthday. Be the first one to call me right at the break of 12. Let me tell you that I get really hurt when people forget my birthday. It's a touchy subject for me. It hits me on my nerves. So set a mobile reminder or something, and remember about it.

Don't ask me that we go together for a horror and scary psycho thrillers in the theatre. I get so scared you know. When my friends ask me to come for a horror movie, I can't refuse because they call me a chicken and poke fun on me in the entire class. So I'm left with no other choice than to shiver uncontrollably and close my eyes during the entire film. They get disgusted when I scream or cry also. I hope atleast you will understand me and take me out to those girly, frilly, romantic chick flicks. You know, the ones that guys don't normally relate to. Oh, I will let you go watch all those scary movies with your bunch of friends.


I hope you have a good physique. I hate fat people. Do you head to gym everyday? Naina's bf has gained weight recently and they look like beauty and beast together.

I won't ask you for all your time. I will give you your space, time and privacy. I won't panic that you broke up with me, even if it's a week that you called me. I will just reason that you are doing so because you are really busy. But I would be happy if you did call saying so.

I hope you will love me more than I could possibly love you. Please promise me that nothing would make your love waver or diminish for me. I hope it can get stronger by days and endures the test of time. Don't ever hurt me. I'm so sensitive and die-hard romantic when it comes to love. For me love is all about commitment and dedicating one's life solely to lover. You must think I read too many cheesy novels and watch romantic movies. But I believe in fairy tales. Can we live one together and happily ever after?

I am a dreamer and a very imaginative person. I believe in building castles and fantasies in the air. I want you join me in these fantasies and make them real and tangible.

Don't break my dream and fantasy. Don't call our relationship quits no matter what. If you happen to fall out of love from me, then deceive me, cheat me. Don't let me know that you are going on with some other girl. As long as I don't know, it doesn't matter right? Act smart and concote some cock-and-bull stories if I find a lipstick mark on your shirt, or saw you kissing someone. I am very naive, so I'll definitely buy it. As long as I believe that I am the only one for you, even though it is false and lies, it doesn't matter right? I just want you to know that I want to be with you together and love you forever even if you don't love me back enough.

I've already planned the way we will bump into each other the first time. It's going to be surreal and romantic. Rose and lavender petals are going to drop out of nowhere from the sky, there would be warm breeze blowing , smooth music playing by in the background and everything will go at slow-motion. Time would freeze then and there. Surroundings would become stagnant. You and I will be the only ones moving. I run from this end and you from the other and I fall into your arms and you kiss me. Then you whisper me those three magical words I always wanted to be told.You know like how it happens in the movies. Like love at first sight. We meet, like each other and live together all our lives.



When will we meet? I am here waiting for you high up in the castle, shackled by the witch of unfortunes. I won't let my hair down, so get a ladder beforehand. I hope you are strong enough to fight this mighty ferocious dragon. Get a horse and be my knight in shining armour. And oh, make the horse a black one, and paint its saddle in pink so as to match the colour of my pink lacy robes. Did I tell you that pink is my favourite colour. What's your favourite colour?

The castle touches the sky, so we can dance on the fluffy clouds and pluck the stars after you rescue me.

Like I said I love fairy tales. Can we live one together?

Forever yours

x0x0

Lovelorned feelings

*Purely fictional*

I fiddle with my cellphone every moment, staring bleakly at it, wishing to hear your voice.

What will you be doing now?

Eating?

Sleeping?

Playing cricket?

Are you with some other girl?

Are you thinking about me like the way I do?
I dial the number.

988......234



But everytime it starts ringing I'm unsure of it and I cut the call.

I don't know why.

But I won't back off today. It's your birthday today. I've been waiting for this day more than you could have been waiting. This day that you were born is so special to me.

My fingers tremble as I clutch the cellphone in my hand. I don't have your number in my phonebook. I deleted it. Because everytime I see your name in the contacts, I feel pangs of pain. Everytime my phone rings, I silently hope the screen flashes your name. But you always disappoint me, don't you?

I don't need to save your number anyway. I know it by-heart. Every digit of it . I'll remember it after 50 years from now also, even if it goes out of service.

As I press each digit on the number pad, my heart races. Those 9 digits which belong to your phone. Just one press of the green button and I'll be connected to you and can listen to your voice.

988......234

With each ring, my uncertainty builds up. Will you receive me well? Will I be disturbing you? I wish that you won't answer the call in the first place and save me from any embarrassment. I will be jilted if you won't bother to speak well.


1st ring...

2nd ring...

3rd...

4th...

5th...

6th...

As I am about to hang up silently thanking god, I listen to your voice, sending jolts of electric tension all over me.

"Hello"

"Hi, What are you doing?"

"Who is this?"

Silence

" Oh yeah, you! I am fine"

"I wanted to wish you a very happy birthday. And..."

"Listen I'm very busy now. Partying and all. I'll catch you later tonight if you're awake."

"OK...but..."

And I find myself wondering, holding a dead connection.

Trying to pull away from me? That's good for you because I'm trying to get away from you too. Forget about me. I'm just one of those fools you stumble across in life. I've started to forget you. Maybe its good for me too. I really wished to have you as a lover and be with you for the rest of my life. Who cares about that now? My life is doomed anyway.

I wish I could turn back the globe to the day I met you, and undo it like it never happened. Erase that moment from the chronicles of time. If it never happened, then I wouldn't be suffering and pining for your love this way.

Or wish I could wipe you away from my memory. Let my brain become necrotic and I get liberated from your thoughts.

Like you never existed.

Like I never knew you.

Sure I would have missed all the fun in knowing a wonderful being like you. But more is the sorrow that such a wonderful being can't be mine.

I feel very sad. I feel lost. The ' what if ' feeling grips me and stifles me.

What if you could love me back?

What if you had the same feelings for me?

What if we could be together for all our lives ?

Maybe 30 years from now I'll feel silly at having loved you hopelessly though you didn't reciprocate. I might even laugh at myself and tell my grand children snippets of how obsessed I was about you and preserved everything related to you... your photos, the chocolate wrappers you threw, the spent-up pens you once used, the letters I wrote but never intended to post, your finger-prints on the screen of calculator you borrowed from me that I cherished before it got erased forever.

Maybe I would curse myself later in life about loving a man who didn't tad bother to look at my way more than thrice throughout my school life.

May be I'll be with some other man 30 years from now.

But who knows...?... that other man could be yourself.

Yeah, here's the damned romantic facet in me, hoping against hopes, against all odds that I am living to see the light of the day, somewhere in the not too distant future, when we would be together.

Even if we are not together, I'll fantasy about you. You will be the man of my dreams. Atleast you can't claim yourself from my fantasies.

In my dreams, we would be soul-mates and you'll love me more than I could love you back. That much that if I asked you how much you love me, you would stretch your hands wide to cover the unending sky implying that your love for me is infinite, eternal, selfless and unconditional.

I can only hope for that, shouldn't I?

Rants of a single life

Being single is like a double-edged knife. Weighing its pros and cons, here's a self analysis post.

Single life : A bane?

Being single has a lots of negatives. Firstly life is very dry,dull and dab. I feel jealous of all my friends who are committed. They are always happy and keep smiling for no reason. I wonder if it has something to do with their boyfriends.

1)They excitedly run to their phones when it rings hoping it would be their bfs. While, I get annoyed and curse my mobile when it rings, only to disturb me.
They giggle to themselves reading sms's from their bfs and keep messaging very frequently, feeding their bfs with information of what they do every second.
"Hi hun! I just washd my face now. Wht's up wid u? Lotsa kisses. Muaaah."
They have an up-to-date knowledge of all network offers, like which network offers free sms's, free within network calls, 10 paise per minute calls, happy night free hours etc. They start getting worried if their mobile balance runs lower than Rs. 50. They go to the nearby grocery shop atleast twice a day for buying top-ups.
And me?
If I have balance in my phone, my roomies ask me if they can make calls with mine. I can't refuse also. So nowadays I don't bother to recharge.My balance even if it is at 20 paise, I heck don't give a damn.

2)One of my Bangalore friends is blessed with 2 boyfriends. A backdoor relationship. She says she can't remember what she said to each of them and gets confused often.
One day, her bf # 1, she and I went to Branded factory. When her bf was selecting an outfit, I saw he had the vote ink dot on his index finger. I asked him to which party he voted for. I have respect for people who use their vote franchise.
A week after that we went out with her bf # 2. While he was waving to us, I saw the vote dot on his finger too. I asked him the same question. My friend instantly blurted out, " How many times will you ask him?" He was bemused and said to her that it was the first time I was asking him. Their was a shock of realisation in her when she found him on the verge of getting doubt on her. Her bf # 2 is very suspicious. It was hard for me to control my laughter seeing them both. Then she regained, after he didn't seem to doubt anything. We both winked and found the whole thing funny later.

But the good thing is that she gets double of everything. Double gifts, double flowers, double love....

3)Remember the scene from 'jannat' where the girl stares into the window display of a ring. Emran walks into the showroom and breaks the window to get the ring for her.
Well, I stare at so many windows of so many showrooms at pretty much everything gloomily with a long face,unable to buy jewellery I like because I'm broke most of the times. I always wait for my Emran to come. Alas, there is no one to steal for me :(

4)On the way to my room, one night, I stopped at the grocery store to buy some items. Just then a boyishly handsome guy stepped into the shop. I only could stare at him with my jaw open. I was waiting for him to look my way. Maybe just one of my sharp killer looks will be sufficient to lay him. He didn't bother to look anywhere. He just walked into the shop, asked for airtel night balance recharge coupon, recharged his mobile and started speaking into his phone excitedly. My heart broke then into a 1ooo pieces! Surely he was already committed. That explains the night balance.

5) My friends choose spending time with their bfs rather than spending with me. Everyone in the hostel go out somewhere or the other with their lovers and I am left alone in the room :(

My roomie once was very generous to take me out along with her bf. So we went to Metropolis mall in threesome.
But I regretted going out with them. I was like a hurdle in their path for romance. They were searching for chances secretly for kissing etc etc, whenever I turned the other way. I felt very embarrassed and cheap to come along with them only to spoil the fun for them. Later in the elevator, they found a private space. They made an excuse that they needed to buy something. They made me wait down at the coffee shop. The guy offered to buy me a pastry so that I would be engaged while they go to the elevator to do their thing. I knew what trick was playing in their mind.I was so irritated at them to keep me waiting that I intentionally selected the most expensive pastry on the menu. My friend's bf just gulped and silently paid the bill and sat me down alone at the table. I was so sure that he scolded her gf that she brought me along. I was a pain in 'there' to them. But I got my revenge. Why bother to invite me when they wanted to spend intimate moments?

6) I went with 2 of my friends along with their bfs to Mc D. We girls were thirsty and hungry . We waited while the guys went to order for us.The guys got glasses of water and burgers for their respective girls but not for me. I realised I had to fetch water and food myself and joined the queue.

Single life : A boon?

1) I need not bother about what I wear. All my other friends, buy expensive branded clothes and dress up hours to impress their bfs. I pick up clothes from the streets and don't even bother to check into the mirror when I get ready.
At this point, I always have an argument with my friend. She disagrees with me and points out that singles need to take extra care for dressing to impress and lay a guy for entering into relationship.

2)My bank balance always grows. I don't spend money on cell phone bills, greeting cards, gifts, flowers etc. I buy for myself.

3) I need not remember important dates like the day of proposal, his birthday, the day of first kiss, the day of first.....

4) I live my life by my own rules. Nobody dominates me. Some of my friends have bossy bfs.

5) I have a pleasant night's sleep. Rest of my friends wake up all night, shaking away their sleep to call their lovers, using the night balance.

I still can't resolve my dilemma. Is it a bliss or a curse?

My terrace

I love my terrace. Whenever I feel sad or happy, I come to the terrace.
I have always been adventurous in finding secret places on the terrace of my home...under the water tank, over the lift room, behind the poles....

Nobody knows these places. No body climbs to the terrace.There are many secret places on my terrace where I can cut off and hide from the rest of the world.

My hide-out: Under the water tank


I find so much serenity and solace here when I'm disturbed.Whether I'm happy, angry or sad, I feel contended staying alone staring the aure sky.


Panoramic view

The sky and the moon always enthrall me. I love sky-watching , counting the stars, bird-watching and observing people who look like ants, from my terrace.



The tower

I find inspiration to write poems and stories here. I love flying kites from my terrace. The panoramic view from the terrace is scenic.I can watch the whole town from here.The BSNL towers are errected on the terrace. I love climbing its poles and sitting on its rungs.

antenna

Random thoughts - 1

I had the blues because I had no shoes,

until upon the street, I met a man who had no feet.

I've read this quote on Koushik's updates.

It really left me wondering for a while.I am so much pampered by my parents. A spoilt kid you can say. When I want something, its then and there that I want it and no second thoughts about that. I believe in leading life in my own terms.

Tomorrow I need to go to college after 1 week long break. I will have to get up at 6 early in the morning and catch a bus. I have been used to getting up at 12ó clock during the holidays. I begged dad to drop me in his car. But the driver was unavailable. I became pesky and started putting a tantrum that I needed the car no matter what.

Dad became angry and said that there are so many in the world who don't enjoy comforts and luxuries like I do. I am lazy to catch a bus to go to college. But there are poor students who walk miles on barefeet to reach college.

It's high time that I should realise my mistake. I thank god for giving me a wonderful and caring family who leave no stone unturned in granting my wants and needs.

Thank you, god. I realised my mistake.

And I will be a good girl and won't trouble dad.

I won't go to college tomorrow.