A little bit of honesty goes a long way

Incident-1

From Rajiv Gandhi International airport, Hyderabad, I had to catch a morning flight to Kolkata. Not wishing to eat the bland breakfast served in flight I decided to have breakfast in the airport. I ordered a plate of Guntur-Idly in a food joint at the airport which costed a whopping price of Rs.85! In a hurry, unable to yield to a large queue of customers, the cashier gave the bill to me but surprisingly, got confused and did not take money for the order. I tried to tell him but he refused to listen to me and shooed me away saying I was holding the line of customers.

Oh shoot! I thought the restaurant won’t suffer losses if it didn't charge one plate. I had the free breakfast triumphantly, happy that I saved a lot of money. Seriously Rs. 85 for two idlis is too much!! I planned on eating soon and slipping away lest he realizes his mistake later. I was gulping down the idly and then midway I had my guilty conscience probing and disturbing me.  I could not eat any further. Then and there, I got up, went behind the counter and explained to him that by mistake he forgot to take money from me. He was very happy at my honesty and thanked me. He said that his boss would have chided him at the end of the day if the cash and the bill accounts did not tally and he would had to pay from his own pocket. It might not be a big transaction, but I felt very good with my sincerity and ate the rest of my breakfast in peace.

Incident-2

I was shopping with my family on a hot mid-afternoon.  My father was very tired and hungry. He wanted to buy a plate of fruit salad from a vendor on the street. The vendor handed over the plate to my dad but my dad was unable to hold it properly and so it fell on the road strewing the pieces of fruits here-and-there.  Disappointed and hungry my dad gave the vendor his money and we proceeded to go home. But the vendor called us back and gave another plate and did not accept money for the second plate which was totally unexpected.

He earned my respect as he was a man of strong integrity, who didn't feel greedy for money though it was rightfully his, only because his customers were not satisfied. 

Windowless Soul

Pressure at work?
Betrayed in love?
No reebok shoes?

Unnerving exams?
Lost in contest?
Unpaid dues?

You think you’re the only one in misery
That God doesn’t answer to your plea
Well, he doesn’t answer to my simple query--
I ask him how different is blue from green?
The rainbow colours unheard and unseen

And why they say spring is so colourful?
That poets, lovers, artists muse and cherish
I want to rhyme, kiss and paint dreams on canvas
Unmotivated, I ink about a dreary life, an unfulfilled wish
As my mind is trapped, God forgot to create windows
Canopied from inspiration and beautiful visions to relish

The ocean waves kissing the shore
Is it a sight worth dying for?
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder how you are!
In my mind’s eye, I do imagine, the ocean and the night
But am I doing justice to its beauty by envisioning it right?

Acknowledging the world by feel and touch
I feel the warmth of a loved one’s hug and cuddle
The velvet petal’s silkiness they call a daffodil
Walking barefoot on grassblades the dewdrop’s tickle

Mirror, mirror on the wall, tell me do I look like a doll?
They say that I look so pretty…
Do they really mean it or say just to keep me happy?
I don’t understand how different beauty is from lack of it
That butterfly be admired, and caterpillar be trampled?
Is a rose so aesthetically different from a thorn?

They say my twinkling innocent eyes
glimmer like molten gold
Oh but of what use? Lifeless vestiges,
numbed to the perceptions of the outside world









The only colour I know is black
They say grass is green, sky is blue
You should tell me…is it really true?

I hear the ringing innocent laughter of a child, oh so pure!
Is his smile genuine reaching eyes? I wonder
I smell the lingering fragrance of newly drenched earth
And wish to witness the sky pouring out silver shower
I hear the melody and tune of the humming bird
And wish to see it sucking nectar out of perfumed flower

Trapped in a murky dark inferno
I close my eyes, all I see is stygian black
I open my eyes, I still see shades of the same
Keeping my four senses open,
With every step I take, venturing into the mysterious
Being beware of the ensuing hurdles,
Foraying into chasm of obscure shadows
I tripped, I was knocked, I was hurt and hit,
I bled to sanguine liquid drops they called blood


And you say you’re the only one in misery?
That god was unfair to you?
Yes, you are not as gifted as I am!
I’m spared to see the aversion mounting among mankind
Where the innocence of a child is stripped and cashed.
Reverence, candour, integrity --the words of yesterday
Kindness, compassion, civility --the virtues of history

What’s left in the world to see?
Deteriorating values and ethics of humanity?
Fraud and deception taking over fairness in quality?
Discrimination and discord wiping out unity?

Behind money and fame, on a wild goose chase
To appreciate small joys you don’t slow your pace
The rose, sky, butterflies and sun rays

A person’s negativity over his goodness is all that you see
I pity you! That way, pretty rotten place the world would be
You think you’re the only one in misery?
That God doesn’t answer to your plea?

Yes how true!

Frozen Desires

I am so happy!

Today has to be the happiest day in my life. The below zero temperature outside with breezing snow is so contrary to my present mood- so bright, brimming with happiness as warm as summer sunshine. Today I shall reveal my feelings to him. Now or never, I decide. For how long do I hesitate fearing his reaction? I am sure he will respond positively. My gut intuition never lets me down. I can see it in his every gesture, the very way he looks at me longingly, speaks volumes about how much he adores me. But yes, I know he is shy to propose. Just like me. But I shall make things easier for us.

Fresh roses! Bright red! I stop near the florist and buy roses. Roses have so rightly been symbolic of budding love for long. The beauty of the petals standing for the splendour of charming love. The thorns standing for the difficulties one has to face through to succeed in love. I can smell the pervasive fragrance of love in the air. Yes today is the day! What is it with love? Everything feels so poetic and beautiful- like the white specks of falling snow dotted against the red backdrop of the rose.

After one whole year of silently and secretly admiring him, the secret can no longer be contained in my heart. Love just one thing? No, love is to show, to express, to spread, to feel, to reciprocate!

I invite him for dinner to my place. The flickering fire burning in the fireplace makes the room very warm and cosy. He catches the look of delight in my twinkling eyes. He feels the electricity in the air… expecting something that will prove to be the biggest moment of our lives.
What is it with love? Can you read each other’s minds? As if there’s an invisible bond connecting our hearts. Thinking alike and feeling in unison…

The roses wait to be given and to be received…to be held testimony of our love. Relaxing, on the sofa, by the fireplace and watching the fire dancing brightly he says, ‘Today is the best day in my life dear!’

How right I was that our love was a mutual feeling!

‘Yes! Mine too!’ I say

‘I am glad you feel happy for me.’

‘I feel happy for us’

‘I waited for one whole year. Never got this chance.’

‘What? One year? You too?’

‘And finally Rachael agreed to marry me!'

‘Oh? I am happy for you. Truly!’

‘She has made me a happy man! I will leave now. Thanks for the lovely dinner’

I see his silhouette fading away with the growing distance, and try hard to fight back my tears. He for even once doesn't glance back. Love just one thing? No it is to hide, to sacrifice, to conceal, to forgo, to hurt!


The flames in the fireplace dampen long after he leaves, but the ashes keep burning…just like my fiery hot tears that stream down my cheeks. I throw the rose out of the window into the harsh wintry snow. It lays there, ignored, frozen in the chill, and piled below the sheets of ice and snow.


Whom could I blame? I kept listening to whatever he didn't utter. Without any reason I weaved high hopes. I presumed his unvoiced feelings. I took his love to be granted, conjuring love out of thin air, when it really didn’t exist.

Weeks fly by. Seasons change. Nothing is temporary.

The ice melts and the first rays of spring sunshine streak through the dried, barren stems of the trees, and touch the ground. As the layers of snow disappear one-by-one, I see my rose wilted and withered ashen brown.

Delusional Love

Please go away from my life. Since the moment I met you, I’ve been obsessed day and night about your thoughts. If I didn’t meet you, I would have been so sure about my future plans….going abroad and finding a new world and career that I always dreamt of. But then those career aspirations got replaced and gave way to your infatuated dreams from the day I met you. Suddenly you took priority over my career plans. I was so sure about my calling…about what I would do with my life. After you came my crystal clear goals vapourised into haze. My dream crashed headlong before it could take wings and soar high in the sky. I dropped my one and only chance of flying abroad and making my dreams true…but for what..? only for my love to be insulted and dismissed as a silly crush by you later. I waited in vain. You ridiculed the fervent love I possessed and said it would fade away. I stayed back, lost my chance and lost you too. A complete loser in life.

I call you, but you always reply that you are in traffic. We both know, that I know that you lied. Such a flimsy excuse? Nowadays you are not even bothering to devise clever excuses and that I would find out your excuses stupid and baseless. Even if I am hurt by your lies, it doesn’t matter to you anymore right? At first, whenever I called you, you would say that you could never be busy for me even if you were immersed in heaps of workload.

Whatever did I do wrong to lose you? Or did I ever have you to lose you?

I can’t blame you though. I am a no-one to you- no less than a faceless stranger. I know it is not right to pin hopes on a stranger. I know everything but still I pretend to be unaware of the obvious. It’s plain and simple. 4 straightforward words- ‘you don’t like me’ or better still are these 3 words ‘you hate me’ …but I want to turn a blind eye towards the conspicuous. I don’t want to acknowledge the truth and stay happy in the false world and castle of dreams I spin and weave of you. I want to hold onto the thought that everything is fine when it is not. I make myself believe that yes you are really stuck in traffic and keep waiting for you to call back which we both know would never come. Oh now maybe your network is busy or you ran out of balance…anything but the truth I say to myself to convince me than to accept the fact that you are avoiding me.

You may have your own reasons to avoid me. You may be right in not showing any interest towards me, but I will still be hooked on to you. Whatever happened to my self-respect? It is biting dust with everytime me wagging my tail like a desperate lovelorn puppy waiting for you to reciprocate.

When someone asks me if I am in relationship, I don’t know what to answer. Not that we are officially lovers but still I would be happy if I could confidently say about you. It leaves me sad when your name runs in my memory, it almost comes to my lips but I have to ultimately say ‘no’.

Aren’t you and me together? Tell me. I already know your reply. Reality hits hard. So I have built a virtual world where reality is obscured by delusional fantasies. I will satisfy myself with false expectations. I just can’t take no for an answer. It is too painful.

I can’t see my another dream crashing headlong like a flightless bird. It will take time for me to accept that is over. One fine day I might come into terms with reality. I will completely erase you from my memory and move on.

Until then…

Discovering The Oasis Of Dreams

The sun emanated heat mercilessly that reflected from the vitreous sand of the desert.The vast expanse of barren terrain stretched in all four directions till the horizon.


The sky was bright reddish orange blazing like a furnace. I shielded my face and body from the roasting fire with my hands but there was no escape from the sun rays which pervaded ominously. There was no shade anywhere in sight. Not even one faint streak of green till my eyes could gaze.


I was wandering barefoot beyond and forth in search of my dream destination- the oasis of life.

My legs quivered with fatigue. My lips parched and throat dried with thirst. The intensity of the heat burnt me up firing and twinging my skin and sucked up water dehydrating me. It felt as if someone was poking my throat down till the chest with a fiery fork.


The air felt papery thin and light in the heat and couldn't fill my breath. I had to take gulps of it from my mouth too, and though how much ever I sucked in with my laborious breaths, I felt dizzy and light-headed.
The gust of wind baked my airways as I inhaled.There was a tinge of blanched redness that coloured my skin. My sandpaper tongue stuck to the dried pallet and teeth.

My feet seeped in the heaps of sand, and it was very tiresome striding in the sinking sand. The soles of my feet were blazing in fire.


My thoughts were muddled. I could see wild imagery of sparkling water of oasis dancing in front of my eyes.The oasis- my dream destination. It disappeared the next second and reappeared again.

I couldn't distinguish reality from visions and mirages played hide and seek with me every moment deceiving my perceptions and tricking my every step farther away into the deadness of the land.

I wanted to howl and cry but the tears never came from my dry eyes.

I wanted to scream at the crest of my voice but only faint shrills came from my dry throat.

My heart was slowing down, the beats now only faintly audible and weak. I fell face down on the sand.

But in my innate heart I was happy- happy that finally I could have made it to my destination of oasis if I wanted to.


But you know what...I didn't want to. I decided not to proceed towards that oasis to check whether it really existed or that my eyes were just deceiving me. Perhaps I was afraid to find out the truth. I was afraid to bear the heart breaking disappointment I would have to go through after learning that the dream destination which was a part-and-parcel of my night's dreams, was actually just as barren and dry like the rest of the desert.

May be it would not have been a desert.Possibilities are there that it could have been an oasis- an oasis of life, of hope, of fresh spring and greenery right in the heart of the dry lifeless desert.

Sure I would have missed a lot by deciding not to venture there and confirming my doubts. May be the oasis would have given me a new life, being a quenching answer for my parching thirst.

But what if it was just like the rest of the desert? All the dreams I have spun for six years, thinking that, 'yes one day I will find my oasis , and then I will no longer have to suffer the drudgery of the desert' would shatter like a thin pane of glass in split seconds. How could I live through my shattered dream?- the very dream which is making me live in the first place...


So my dream destination was just a stone's throw away from me and I died a happy death in the belief that I succeeded.I could have actually walked there and drank the water from the oasis and lived, but I decided otherwise.

It was better to die happy in a false faith that there existed my destination right there at my reach and I've succeeded in my journey...than to have had discovered that my laborious efforts had bit the dust and that my journey set out to find my dream destination never actually existed.


Some dreams are meant only to be dreamt. In reality there are quite different from the virtual images you've created. Don't make an effort to make them true. It would be shocking to discover the truth that they don't stand up to the fancy image you've painted. Better just be satisfied in your dreams.

Random thoughts -2

At this point of time I feel so insecure. The future is all bleak. I'm so scared about what tomorrow might bring to my life.

Is it wrong to dream and to wish? And it pinches so hard in the heart if the dreams don't come true. More so when you know you will suffocate doing something you don't like, being among people you connect to the least. And then there's something you love doing from all your heart, but the dream is almost impossible to achieve...

It wouldn't atleast hurt so bad if god didn't give the ability to imagine....the ability to dream.

But then again I think I can atleast be satisfied in my dreams momentarily...even though it is far-fetched from reality. It is my only hope...the only bright streak of light at the end of the dark tunnel.

Without dreams my life would be so boring , without any anticipation of what tomorrow would hold for me. I would lead my life, each day being the same as if I've already lived my entire life in this 20 years till the very end, just passing time to meet my end, seen everything already... my days without fun, pleasure and hope. What is the point of living such an uneventful monotonous life when each day is just the same?








Atleast in my wildest imagination, of which I have a control over, I can wish for my dreams to come true and spin a dreamy web of thoughts in my mind's eye and live with a hope that one day my life will become like how I want it to be. God might not fulfil my wishes, but he can't claim my dreams and imaginations right?

So I am happy I can atleast dream of a fun life. My dreams and wishes sustain me.They give me a chance to be everything I ever wanted to be, giving everything I ever wanted to have.

Article to The Hindu's Collegian collumn

More than the news, 'media' is in the news these days

Media is irrefutably the fourth pillar of democracy,but it should not misuse its vested responsibility in the aegis of its constitutional prerogative of 'the freedom of press'.News channels in order to gain TRP's and to have an edge over their competitors are in a mad rush to telecast sensational tidbits in the name of 'breaking news' before others air it and in that process fail to check the credibility of the same.They compromise on facts and draw conclusions from vague data available,and by the time the authenticity is crosschecked, enough irrevocable damage would already have been done.The attack on reliance outlets and misquoting of Shashi Taroor's statements are just two such instances which clearly reflects media's professionalism or lack thereof.Editors of print media and heads of news channels should assert their reporters not to rely on personal views, biases, rumours and dubious websites and insist on fetching news only from reliable and verified sources.

Let me go

Why did you let me go?

Wasn't I a big fool? To not see how much you loved me? Your eyes were a testimony to the brightly flickering love your heart contained for me. I ridiculed your love. I guess I took your love for granted. Like the ever punctual sun which rises at daybreak without fail. I overlooked the fact that clouds can clog the sun rays to streak through and give rise to perpetual darkness. Worse still, polar sky doesn't see advent of dawn as sun sinks below the horizon during winter solstice.You were my eyes, providing rose hued perspective to perceive the beauty of the world. And there I was, blind to even something right in front of me and pristinely visible, as the unconditional love you showered on me.

You didn't for once hesitate to entrust your heart---the vitality of existence, to me. But there I was, pinching the very same heart which loved me.

I was on a mission to lament on your every move, trying to pick out errors and reproaching at your otherwise too perfect character. I made it a point to torment you, and make your life a virtual inferno. You tolerated stoically saying not one word against me. You overlooked all my mistakes and held nothing against me. There was not a wee bit decrement in your irrefragable love for me.

I openly showed my growing disinterest towards you. I deliberately dissented with you,argued at every possible word you said and quarrelled over trivial matters. Anything to show that you were unwelcome now and that I needed you no longer. All those times, you stood mum and submissive, supporting my ridiculous point of view though you knew I was being illogical.

I did see you when you were alone and all by yourself, you would cry heartfully wondering at what might have possibly gone wrong with our relationship. Wasn't it just yesterday that I promised my love will be eternal, and will stand the test of time? And today I forget my own promise I made to you.I saw your eyes replete with tears unable to see my love diminish for you. You would blame yourself,ascribing my change in behaviour as your own fault rather than sensibly reasoning to my own sadism. Watching you shed tears, I would smirk that my whole plan to get rid of you was working.


You were there for me, when I went on risking my life seeking precarious adventures and chasing after false vanity.

When I ventured into the sea of storm, you were my harbour keeping me safe after ship-wreck.

When I was gasping for air, drowning in the dark waters, you were my breath and respite.

Eventually you saw that I was no longer happy with you. It disheartened you to finally come to terms that you were not the one for me. You realised that the relationship has gone far beyond the threshold that anyone could mend. You stepped back, retreated far away from my sight and from your heart-of-hearts wished that I find true love and everlasting happiness elsewhere

But now i ask you ....why did you let me go?

Even after all these years, I could not find anyone who would selflessly love back as you could. You realised that you were not the one for me. But you know what? I was not the one for you. I was a fool to reject your love

Now, I want to come to you, plead you to forgive me and accept me back. But then it dawns upon me, that it's too late. Our relationship has really gone beyond the threshold that anyone can mend.




It was a foolish thing to have you let me go. To be the reason of my own downfall. I conspired to free myself from the shackles of your protective arms. I thought it was your heart that I crushed. But it was my own heart that I stabbed and now it is bleeding profusely.

Sinking ship

You are at the cross roads of life...

Paths-a-many lay in front of you...

You are clueless as to what to choose...

Do you know that feeling?


I feel it right now. And it stifles me.I'm here at the most crucial juncture of my life...where I need to make this one quick decision and save my whole life from tumbling and crashing down.

Once I decide there's no changing it. Or swapping it with something else. It's final. No time for regrets. No time to analyse if I've taken the right step or not.

I'm afraid when I think of the consequences. What if I falter and tread in the wrong road? On the road not meant for me...the road winding and curving into deeper darker abyss...taking me into unknown where I shouldn't have been. What if there's no light? What if there's darkness consuming me? What if there's no air to breathe? What if it is full of enemies and hostility ready to tear me down?

What if.....??

There are two main roads (many other smaller bifurcations which I can overlook--

One-- This is where my heart is. My love depends on it. My soul drags me into it headlong....and I am afraid if I will make a bumpy collision. For I don't know what awaits me. I am not even sure why my heart is being pulled towards it- into a place too dark where I can't see the end.So many conditions and practical considerations for achieving 'it'. But my heart says 'nothing else matters' and ' I don't care'.Tougher one also. For it is long and I need to sweat to toil it. But the fruits are sweeter eventually. If everything goes according to plan , then I am going to be the happiest in the world. The question is : will everything go according to plan? So there's a lot of uncertainty about it. It is based on so many impractical and irrational factors.

And then there's road TWO--The easier one. The sensible one also.Perhaps? Quick and comforting. But I know I won't be happy. I just know it. My heart will feel suffocated. It's far...too far actually. And I'm not too sure of it. Nobody I know has taken it. Do I overlook my heart's cries for desperate help when I choose this road? Should I stab my heart and turn a deaf ear to it? It actually is easier to not heed my heart. For to listen to its howling bothers me more. I might as well lock it and throw it somewhere. Oh crap, I might as well slash my wrists and make my heart to stop thumping. Do I venture far out in the desert where I know not one friendly soul just because it gives me momentary pleasure and pleases my vanity? For how long do I keep wandering in search of the oasis?

And then there's time constraint breathing on my neck, with that annoying tick-tick sound bothering me and preventing me from thinking clearly. People await my decision ...their constant gaze is on my foot wondering where I will step on.


I feel like an aimless sinking sink. A ship on the verge of a wreck, just awaiting and counting seconds before ramming into the ice-berg. I'm doomed anyway.No particular destination to report to... just aimlessly wandering and being carried by the dictating waves. My decision alters with the changing winds. Even faster than the bat of an eyelid. I'm unsure of 'it'...of myself...of my future....of my love....of my life....of people around...of why the bloody hell I was born in the first place?????

But then I can't just sit here and wait, while weighing my options and making a fool of me.

Signed, sealed and delivered

Dear Love of the future,

Where are you? Why didn't you find me yet? Every night I lay in the corner of my room, on the cozy bed and look out of the window waiting for you. I think of a million questions which whirl in the air around me demanding answers.

How do you look? I hope you look cute and boyishly handsome. Do you sing well? I want you to hold me and sing lullabies to me as I sleep blissfully knowing nothing can harm me if I laid in your arms. We can sing duets together also. I want you to teach me guitar. I'm so lazy to attend the music classes. I can't dance that well. That won't be a problem to you, would it?


I want you to love me for who I am and not someone prettier or smarter. I'm a little shy, timid and nervous. Please don't mind that. When we bump into each other the first time, I might be bad at breaking the ice. I'm not so good with new people. But as I will get to know you, I won't be able to stop chatting. I can get so talkative without a break. Will you listen to me attentively or just pretend so like all my friends do?

Please say 'I love you' to me very often. I need to be assured from my insecurities. Please compliment on my outfits and say I look good everyday because I am a sucker for compliments. Oh and I should say that when I blush out of shyness or cry or laugh too much, my face goes pink and my eyes get small.

Please be patient with me when we go shopping. Don't expect me to pay the bills when we go on a date because for some unknown reasons I always run low on cash. And also, I will give only missed calls because I am a miser when it comes to mobile balance. Please promptly call me back then. Actually call me very, very frequently like 4 or 5times or even more in an hour.


 I hate non-veg. So don't expect company from me when we head to Mc Donald's.I don't understand cricket. So it won't be fun for you if you are planning to watch IPL together with a witty girl with whom you can discuss and comment on the game moves, the cricketers and all. But I want to impress you. So I will ask my friend tomorrow to tutor me on cricket.

I hope you listen to the same kind of music like I do and read same kind of novels like I do. I want you to share my interests when it comes to books and music. It would be fun, to lay down on the couch and discuss about a common favourite band or our favourite author's upcoming book.

Can we build a tree house by the side of the sea and live secluded from the rest of the world? I need all the privacy in the world! Can we keep puppies as pets honey? My room mate's boy friend hates dogs. I hope you don't think the same. Please gift me two cute Lhasa dogs for my birthday this time. I have thought of their names also-- pebble and bubble.


Don't forget to wish me on my birthday. Be the first one to call me right at the break of 12. Let me tell you that I get really hurt when people forget my birthday. It's a touchy subject for me. It hits me on my nerves. So set a mobile reminder or something, and remember about it.

Don't ask me that we go together for a horror and scary psycho thrillers in the theatre. I get so scared you know. When my friends ask me to come for a horror movie, I can't refuse because they call me a chicken and poke fun on me in the entire class. So I'm left with no other choice than to shiver uncontrollably and close my eyes during the entire film. They get disgusted when I scream or cry also. I hope atleast you will understand me and take me out to those girly, frilly, romantic chick flicks. You know, the ones that guys don't normally relate to. Oh, I will let you go watch all those scary movies with your bunch of friends.


I hope you have a good physique. I hate fat people. Do you head to gym everyday? Naina's bf has gained weight recently and they look like beauty and beast together.

I won't ask you for all your time. I will give you your space, time and privacy. I won't panic that you broke up with me, even if it's a week that you called me. I will just reason that you are doing so because you are really busy. But I would be happy if you did call saying so.

I hope you will love me more than I could possibly love you. Please promise me that nothing would make your love waver or diminish for me. I hope it can get stronger by days and endures the test of time. Don't ever hurt me. I'm so sensitive and die-hard romantic when it comes to love. For me love is all about commitment and dedicating one's life solely to lover. You must think I read too many cheesy novels and watch romantic movies. But I believe in fairy tales. Can we live one together and happily ever after?

I am a dreamer and a very imaginative person. I believe in building castles and fantasies in the air. I want you join me in these fantasies and make them real and tangible.

Don't break my dream and fantasy. Don't call our relationship quits no matter what. If you happen to fall out of love from me, then deceive me, cheat me. Don't let me know that you are going on with some other girl. As long as I don't know, it doesn't matter right? Act smart and concote some cock-and-bull stories if I find a lipstick mark on your shirt, or saw you kissing someone. I am very naive, so I'll definitely buy it. As long as I believe that I am the only one for you, even though it is false and lies, it doesn't matter right? I just want you to know that I want to be with you together and love you forever even if you don't love me back enough.

I've already planned the way we will bump into each other the first time. It's going to be surreal and romantic. Rose and lavender petals are going to drop out of nowhere from the sky, there would be warm breeze blowing , smooth music playing by in the background and everything will go at slow-motion. Time would freeze then and there. Surroundings would become stagnant. You and I will be the only ones moving. I run from this end and you from the other and I fall into your arms and you kiss me. Then you whisper me those three magical words I always wanted to be told.You know like how it happens in the movies. Like love at first sight. We meet, like each other and live together all our lives.



When will we meet? I am here waiting for you high up in the castle, shackled by the witch of unfortunes. I won't let my hair down, so get a ladder beforehand. I hope you are strong enough to fight this mighty ferocious dragon. Get a horse and be my knight in shining armour. And oh, make the horse a black one, and paint its saddle in pink so as to match the colour of my pink lacy robes. Did I tell you that pink is my favourite colour. What's your favourite colour?

The castle touches the sky, so we can dance on the fluffy clouds and pluck the stars after you rescue me.

Like I said I love fairy tales. Can we live one together?

Forever yours

x0x0

In my search for you

Under the twilight, beyond the sun’s rays
In this world there’s not left a place.
Across the bridge and over the mountain
I’ve looked for you, but all in vain.

“Oh bird! Fly in the sky and look for him
At dawn or dusk, even if the light’s dim”
Thus, I requested a fluttering sparrow,
To fly and search for you, high and low.

“Oh moon! Shine down to wherever he is
Urge him to return, could you do that please?”
The shimmering moon and the glittery stars,
Promised to search, even if you’re on mars.

“Oh spring! Along your journey from hills to sea,
If he gulped you down his throat, notify me”
Thus, gushed from the earth the mountain spring,
But any message from you, it failed to bring.

“Oh rain! Dry my tear, form a cloud,fall on his cheek
Rain in deserts too for his whereabouts I can seek.
I asked the rainbow, the clouds and the fountain,
“Will he be receiving the same splattering rain?”

“Oh breeze! Transcending lands beyond I can see
Pervasive that you are, now listen to my plea--
Blow over to where he is, spread the same fragrance
Tell him I’m waiting to caress his hair so dense”

Beneath the deepest trench, beyond the farthest land,
In the ice or the forests or under the rocks or sand.
I’ll keep searching for you, and will never lose hope.
Nature joined in my search for you, so there’s scope.

Of Promises Kept And Broken

*********************************************“ 

I ran out of sunscreen in Iraq! I must have turned atleast 3 shades darker, shooting in the sultry sun !”, she was complaining.

“Your smile is breathtaking”. I said and broke her chain of conversation.

“You liar! You don't notice my smile! You are always lost in your own dreamy world and stare bleakly into my eyes!”, she said.

She was immersed in an animated description of her latest adventures in Iraq. She was proud of her brave stunts of acquiring an exclusive footage of shocking war revelation. That's her job. She is a war journalist. She is posted to terror stricken and tension centered war zones of the world.



She trekked the rough terrains of Zagros mountains in Iraq, in a camouflaged dress, survived only on the water of River Tigris for 2 days and shot secretly at the enemy's camp from behind the rocks. The video footage was to be submitted to the BBC news channel and the anti-terrorist intelligence. She captured the terrorist's conversations, all by herself, in their camp which revealed their strategies and future targets.


I wasn't listening to her talking about her experiences in Iraq. I was transported to the beautiful land of Kashmir...six years ago....that was where and when I first met her.

And fell in love eventually.



I was a tourist to Kashmir. A bomb raid broke out by terrorists. Everyone who were boating in the Dal lake previously were fleeing for their dear lives. I ran towards the shelter of apple woods. In the midst of all this chaos, I saw her shooting with a video camera from behind the thick apple trees.

Love at first sight.

There was a mystique glint of bravery flickering in her eyes.

That's what I liked in her – her eyes and her bravery.

There was no one around. She was startled at first. Confirming that I was harmless, she came forward and dressed my bleeding hand with her scarf.

That was just the start.

During my stay at Kashmir, we exchanged our mobile numbers, talked late into the night and went out in the snow every other day. I must say she talked a lot. A very talkative girl she was!

Our love blossomed in the beautiful land of Kashmir-- rightly called ' heaven on earth'.

******************************


I was scared for her...for her life...of her dangerous job.

I pleaded her, persuaded her and pestered her at many instances to quit the job. I wanted us to get married, move to Dalhousie and happily live ever after...always...forever.

She was very adamant of her journalist job. At first I thought she was being headstrong.

One day she told me, “my parents died in front of my eyes in the hands of the terrorists. I was barely seven then! I've dedicated my life to do everything possible in my own small way to uncover their strategies.”

It was then that my love to her took a new dimension. I started respecting her job. My love for her grew even more in intensity.

Relating to those horrid childhood incidents there were tears in her eyes.

Nonetheless, the mystique glint of bravery flickering in her eyes didn't fade away.

That's what I liked in her – her eyes and her bravery.



********************************

I was scared.
True.

I was scared for her.
A lie.

In truth I was scared for myself. I can't live without her! I can't envisage a future for myself without her being beside me.

“Hey don't be so gloomy! Do you think I'll die so easily and sacrifice you to the other pretty girls !!?? No way! I'll be there for you...always...forever.” She teased.

I asked ,“ Promise?”

She replied, “ Promise! I rarely promise anyone. But if I do, then I value it with my life!”


***********************************

When she was away covering news in the war zones, my time would go out of sync with the rest of the world. I would lose track of days and dates. My time was divided into two phases-- the time I was with her and the time I waited for her. I would wait frantically clutching my mobile in my hand for that one call from her, assuring me she's safe and sound.

She feared nothing. She was brave.

She had her priority – her aim of exposing the activities of terrorists.

I had my priority – it was 'she'.

*************************************


I was in the airport. I got a call. I could not believe my ears! My head was spinning...my whole world went topsy-turvy!


*************************************

It was 2 days for my birthday to arrive. She was in Sarajevo reporting the war there live.

I urged her to come back.

She said yes.

It was a promise.

It seemed she had a surprise gift for me and wouldn't reveal it till we met. I pretended to be very much interested to know what the surprise gift was. I didn't want to be a spoilsport.
In truth, the gift didn't matter to me.

It was her coming back from Sarajevo after 2 months which truly was a gift to me.

**************************************

It was the day of my birthday. I went to the airport to receive her. I was waiting for her eagerly. Finally the flight arrived.

But... there was no sign of her.

I waited for her for another hour.

I heard my cell phone ringing. I was sure it was her. Smilingly I answered the call...but ... it was a male voice.

“I am from BBC news. I'm really sorry to say...but she is no more. She was killed in the war at Sarajevo”.


These words changed my life. For worse.

*************************************

She did keep her promise to come back on my birthday. But it was not the intact her. Her body was flown in a coffin to the airport. Her luggage was recovered and handed over to me.

I thought I would celebrate my birthday with her lively self around.

I was wrong.

I laid beside her lifeless body and for the first time in my life I cried.

I don't know for how long I cried.

My tears were exhausted. Nonetheless, they could not alleviate the emotions which burnt my heavy heart.

At night, I was flipping through her luggage. The surprise gift she planned for me was a hand woven kerchief with my name embroidered at the center.

It was as if she was consoling me not to cry and wiping my tears with the kerchief.

I preserved everything belonging to her....somethings tangible which lay safely in the cupboard...and as far as those intangible moments were concerned...they were there to stay in my memory, always...forever!


*****************************

It's been 3 years now. I still couldn't forget her.

Every night, from that day till today, I get scary dreams. She would be writhing and wriggling in pain just in front of my eyes. She would scream at the crest of her voice for help. But I would be handcuffed and helpless to rescue her. She would die every night again and again in my dreams.

I fear sleep.

Every day, those beautiful moments I spent with her keep flashing back. Everything and everyone remind me of her. No matter what I do, I think of her and her thoughts send pangs of pain in my heart. I try to suppress the pain, but the feelings gush out and churn my heart. I take sleeping pills to switch off from the pain.

I fear being awake.



Someone said that love is a bucketful of emotions. So true!

Her voice reverberates in my ears--“ Promise! I rarely promise anyone. But if I do, then I value it with my life!”

She did really have to value the promise with her life. She had to forgo her life...our life!!
It was a broken promise...a promise unkept...a promise unfulfilled.

I am so frustrated that, I want to kill her again and again for her broken promise. Why did she leave me alone??

************************

“You liar! You don't notice my smile! You are always lost in your own dreamy world and stare bleakly into my eyes!”

Yes, I used to lie about her smile. It wasn't her smile or lips that I noticed. I used to look deep into her twinkling eyes. She had an unflinching flame of bravery flickering in her eyes and the brunt of the horrifying images of her parents dying in front of her.

Her eyes spoke for her.

He eyes said it all!

That's what I liked in her – her eyes and her bravery.

The other side of me

If you ask me who I am, I would say that I am a lifelong student. I may not be perfect, but I am always eager to learn something new, or from my past mistakes. There’s so much to gain from life. I remind myself to keep all my senses open, to know something new every single moment and what’s more wonderful than to have a reliable sixth sense or gut intuition which you can trust, to guide you the right path!

My dad gets transfers often. The new posting could be anywhere in the country..north, south, east or west .I have lived in five different cities and attended 7 different schools and 2 different colleges. I have a feeling we are nomads living in a mobile van. I always felt like a displaced person. I was the new kid on the block- an outsider, creating barrier to make friends. It was a very disruptive life. Each time I would start making friends it was time to say goodbye. Somehow this made me tough from inside, for good, that I have encountered various people, each with their own peculiar personalities. This made me independent. I don’t wait for anyone and don’t expect help from anyone. I am versatile—modern with a touch of conventionality. I can be garrulous or taciturn, rebellious or obedient, innocent or clever, confident or doubtful, brave or timid, simple or intricate. I am a blend of diverging personas. I really could not figure out who I am or what I am yet. I discover something new about myself as I live on, and constantly amaze myself with my potential, which eventually surfaces out, and about which I knew never existed in me.

I love my thoughts, my ideas, my abilities, my strenghts, my weaknesses, my personality, my mentality, my soul, my life and everything else which makes me, 'me '. I always dot an ''i '' or write the word ''me'' or sign my name with a heart...filled with a sense of pride, reverence, love and self-respect for myself.

Words are my forte. I can play with the English language and manipulate the opposite person to give in and say something by which I can have an advantage over him. I treat English language with veneration. The one commendable job the Britains did by ruling over us was to pass on the English legacy to us. I am so communicative and expressive in it. Not even my mother tongue makes me so comfortable. In all those new schools when I had to reach out my classmates and teachers, only English would come to my rescue. It was a bridge between us.

I’ve always found solace with books, novels, magazines and comics. I came to know a lot from them. Even back in school I used to look forward for the library period and I bet all my classmates in the number of books borrowed. I loved the literature class back in school. Our English teacher was very inspirational and she had complete command over English. It was she, who instilled the seed of love for prose, poetry and creative writing. If I were not studying pharmacy today, my choice would be, to become a column writer for newspapers.. or hopefully even a newspaper editor.


My English teacher once said that at the age of 21, one would be living the happiest moments of life. I am waiting to become 21 and wish my age would freeze then and there. I wish I had the power of turning back the time and rewinding the magic of 21 even after I cross it.



I might be only 19 but its like I've already lived a 30. I have witnessed so much in such a short span of my life...different people..different mentalities..different culture..different language..everything divergent and totally contrasting the previous place. I have traveled a lot and seen all there is to see in India...umm…atleast a major part of it. I agree that India holds a lot of beauty and tourist delights that it would take a lifetime to completely enjoy it. But nevertheless you can say I've 'been there, 'done that'.

If you asked me to define life, I would be at a total loss of words. I could say ‘it is a span of time and a series of experiences between life and death’…but on second thoughts ..isn’t life much more than that? The more you live the more enigmatic life becomes. And this enigma itself is the beauty of life. I think no one ever, however great one is, can define life in its ‘real’ sense, because no body has lived truly and to the fullest to provide a suitable definition to life. That’s because a lifespan of 100 years is very short to truly 'live'.


A 100 years is just a speck of grain in the hourglass to truly behold the beauties of earth. I would like to go on a world tour someday. Meeting different people and customs has become an inevitable part of my life though I welcomed it or not and now it has become my passion. I used to despise making new friends. I used to be shy trying to pretend I enjoyed being a loner. But now I have changed a lot. I am hungry of meeting new friends. As I come across someone new, it might take me time to melt away the emptiness in conversations, break the ice and delabel him as a ‘stranger’ but once that happens I am very talkative and it is very hard to zip my mouth. There is no stopping me when it comes to gossiping on the topic of books, music and movies—my 3 lifelines.

I am so used to new places that my stay in the place I live currently is making me suffocate and I can’t wait to get out of here and discover a new city. I am getting bored out of life here. Its like I am sleepwalking through my life. Its like I’ve already lived my life and living the same day again and again with nothing exciting or eventful happening. I am adventurous by heart but till now there came no chance along—no bungee jumping, no paragliding, no trekking, no camping and of that sorts. My time has gone out of sync with that of the world. I am still waiting for that one chance to prove myself and to show others and... even to myself who I really am.

My dad said he is expecting a transfer next year. I hope all these moments until next year melt off and in no time I get transcended to a new place and make new friends!