Lovelorned feelings

*Purely fictional*

I fiddle with my cellphone every moment, staring bleakly at it, wishing to hear your voice.

What will you be doing now?

Eating?

Sleeping?

Playing cricket?

Are you with some other girl?

Are you thinking about me like the way I do?
I dial the number.

988......234



But everytime it starts ringing I'm unsure of it and I cut the call.

I don't know why.

But I won't back off today. It's your birthday today. I've been waiting for this day more than you could have been waiting. This day that you were born is so special to me.

My fingers tremble as I clutch the cellphone in my hand. I don't have your number in my phonebook. I deleted it. Because everytime I see your name in the contacts, I feel pangs of pain. Everytime my phone rings, I silently hope the screen flashes your name. But you always disappoint me, don't you?

I don't need to save your number anyway. I know it by-heart. Every digit of it . I'll remember it after 50 years from now also, even if it goes out of service.

As I press each digit on the number pad, my heart races. Those 9 digits which belong to your phone. Just one press of the green button and I'll be connected to you and can listen to your voice.

988......234

With each ring, my uncertainty builds up. Will you receive me well? Will I be disturbing you? I wish that you won't answer the call in the first place and save me from any embarrassment. I will be jilted if you won't bother to speak well.


1st ring...

2nd ring...

3rd...

4th...

5th...

6th...

As I am about to hang up silently thanking god, I listen to your voice, sending jolts of electric tension all over me.

"Hello"

"Hi, What are you doing?"

"Who is this?"

Silence

" Oh yeah, you! I am fine"

"I wanted to wish you a very happy birthday. And..."

"Listen I'm very busy now. Partying and all. I'll catch you later tonight if you're awake."

"OK...but..."

And I find myself wondering, holding a dead connection.

Trying to pull away from me? That's good for you because I'm trying to get away from you too. Forget about me. I'm just one of those fools you stumble across in life. I've started to forget you. Maybe its good for me too. I really wished to have you as a lover and be with you for the rest of my life. Who cares about that now? My life is doomed anyway.

I wish I could turn back the globe to the day I met you, and undo it like it never happened. Erase that moment from the chronicles of time. If it never happened, then I wouldn't be suffering and pining for your love this way.

Or wish I could wipe you away from my memory. Let my brain become necrotic and I get liberated from your thoughts.

Like you never existed.

Like I never knew you.

Sure I would have missed all the fun in knowing a wonderful being like you. But more is the sorrow that such a wonderful being can't be mine.

I feel very sad. I feel lost. The ' what if ' feeling grips me and stifles me.

What if you could love me back?

What if you had the same feelings for me?

What if we could be together for all our lives ?

Maybe 30 years from now I'll feel silly at having loved you hopelessly though you didn't reciprocate. I might even laugh at myself and tell my grand children snippets of how obsessed I was about you and preserved everything related to you... your photos, the chocolate wrappers you threw, the spent-up pens you once used, the letters I wrote but never intended to post, your finger-prints on the screen of calculator you borrowed from me that I cherished before it got erased forever.

Maybe I would curse myself later in life about loving a man who didn't tad bother to look at my way more than thrice throughout my school life.

May be I'll be with some other man 30 years from now.

But who knows...?... that other man could be yourself.

Yeah, here's the damned romantic facet in me, hoping against hopes, against all odds that I am living to see the light of the day, somewhere in the not too distant future, when we would be together.

Even if we are not together, I'll fantasy about you. You will be the man of my dreams. Atleast you can't claim yourself from my fantasies.

In my dreams, we would be soul-mates and you'll love me more than I could love you back. That much that if I asked you how much you love me, you would stretch your hands wide to cover the unending sky implying that your love for me is infinite, eternal, selfless and unconditional.

I can only hope for that, shouldn't I?