Lovelorned feelings

*Purely fictional*

I fiddle with my cellphone every moment, staring bleakly at it, wishing to hear your voice.

What will you be doing now?

Eating?

Sleeping?

Playing cricket?

Are you with some other girl?

Are you thinking about me like the way I do?
I dial the number.

988......234



But everytime it starts ringing I'm unsure of it and I cut the call.

I don't know why.

But I won't back off today. It's your birthday today. I've been waiting for this day more than you could have been waiting. This day that you were born is so special to me.

My fingers tremble as I clutch the cellphone in my hand. I don't have your number in my phonebook. I deleted it. Because everytime I see your name in the contacts, I feel pangs of pain. Everytime my phone rings, I silently hope the screen flashes your name. But you always disappoint me, don't you?

I don't need to save your number anyway. I know it by-heart. Every digit of it . I'll remember it after 50 years from now also, even if it goes out of service.

As I press each digit on the number pad, my heart races. Those 9 digits which belong to your phone. Just one press of the green button and I'll be connected to you and can listen to your voice.

988......234

With each ring, my uncertainty builds up. Will you receive me well? Will I be disturbing you? I wish that you won't answer the call in the first place and save me from any embarrassment. I will be jilted if you won't bother to speak well.


1st ring...

2nd ring...

3rd...

4th...

5th...

6th...

As I am about to hang up silently thanking god, I listen to your voice, sending jolts of electric tension all over me.

"Hello"

"Hi, What are you doing?"

"Who is this?"

Silence

" Oh yeah, you! I am fine"

"I wanted to wish you a very happy birthday. And..."

"Listen I'm very busy now. Partying and all. I'll catch you later tonight if you're awake."

"OK...but..."

And I find myself wondering, holding a dead connection.

Trying to pull away from me? That's good for you because I'm trying to get away from you too. Forget about me. I'm just one of those fools you stumble across in life. I've started to forget you. Maybe its good for me too. I really wished to have you as a lover and be with you for the rest of my life. Who cares about that now? My life is doomed anyway.

I wish I could turn back the globe to the day I met you, and undo it like it never happened. Erase that moment from the chronicles of time. If it never happened, then I wouldn't be suffering and pining for your love this way.

Or wish I could wipe you away from my memory. Let my brain become necrotic and I get liberated from your thoughts.

Like you never existed.

Like I never knew you.

Sure I would have missed all the fun in knowing a wonderful being like you. But more is the sorrow that such a wonderful being can't be mine.

I feel very sad. I feel lost. The ' what if ' feeling grips me and stifles me.

What if you could love me back?

What if you had the same feelings for me?

What if we could be together for all our lives ?

Maybe 30 years from now I'll feel silly at having loved you hopelessly though you didn't reciprocate. I might even laugh at myself and tell my grand children snippets of how obsessed I was about you and preserved everything related to you... your photos, the chocolate wrappers you threw, the spent-up pens you once used, the letters I wrote but never intended to post, your finger-prints on the screen of calculator you borrowed from me that I cherished before it got erased forever.

Maybe I would curse myself later in life about loving a man who didn't tad bother to look at my way more than thrice throughout my school life.

May be I'll be with some other man 30 years from now.

But who knows...?... that other man could be yourself.

Yeah, here's the damned romantic facet in me, hoping against hopes, against all odds that I am living to see the light of the day, somewhere in the not too distant future, when we would be together.

Even if we are not together, I'll fantasy about you. You will be the man of my dreams. Atleast you can't claim yourself from my fantasies.

In my dreams, we would be soul-mates and you'll love me more than I could love you back. That much that if I asked you how much you love me, you would stretch your hands wide to cover the unending sky implying that your love for me is infinite, eternal, selfless and unconditional.

I can only hope for that, shouldn't I?

Moonlit blossom

Adorned was the night sky,
with the full-moon ,
encircled by polka-dotted stars...


Petals of the inchoate night lily bud
unwrapped one-by-one...

The lustrous moon
enthralled the lily...

The lily was swept away
by the moon at first sight.


The moon caste its image
on the pristine waters of the lake.
Basking in the shimmer of the moon
the lily blossomed to its prime beauty
night- by- night into a fully bloomed flower.


Admired the moon secretly
from a distance…
Adored its aura scrumptiously
for many nights…
Attempted to lure the moon
by its luscious petals…


It anticipated eagerly, until twilight
for the moon to arrive
and illuminate the night sky
with its pervasive milkyness.


Wondered why its lover,
shrinked night-by-night.
Nonetheless, it was awestruck
at the variegated hues
and the versatile shapes
the moon transmuted into every night.

After a fortnight...

It amassed courage
to reveal its innate feelings.
The lily waited that night
anxiously for the moon’s arrival.

But alas the moon didn’t return that night.
With jaded dreams, the lily pined for its sight.

Dejected it was…

Confused it was…

Forlorn and forsaken in the cold, murky waters
it withered and perished that very night
and was immersed
to the unfathomable depths of the lake.

The bride

Dedicated to my sister, Supriya who is a bride to be.

The dewy eyed bride
draped in bridal chiffon..
a complexion of molten gold...
tresses flowing down like a cascade of waterfalls...
adorned with glittering jewellery…

That’s how the bride
reflected in the pristine waters looked-- lovely and adorable.
But the image couldn’t portray my inner turmoil.



With every passing minute,
My heart loomed large on me

with doubt and apprehension…
Will he love me?
Will he care for me?
Will our minds be in sync?
My heart, it posed a thousand questions,
each demanding to be answered first.

There he was beside the holy fire.
An arranged alliance it was,
I only saw him from photographs
They are still hidden under my pillow
I furtively stare at them often.
But he looked something different in real…

Handsome and gallant he looked,
Trustworthy and cordial was his demeanour.
Light played through the edge of his hair
and made him appear like a guardian angel.

Besotted, I was swept away by his charm.

Finally the auspicious moment dawned upon…

The incantation of dulcet mantras…
The flicker of holy fire…
The fragrance of incense sticks and camphor…
Lingered in the environs.

As the ember blazed in the flame…
He held my hand, the warm touch, firm yet gentle
Stealing glances I dared to look straight into his eyes for a moment
His sharp eyes conveyed it all—
Silent, incorporeal promises he seemed to make—

“I’ll overcome all odds
and embrace every adversity for your sake.
I’ll keep you happy, my bride”

Reassured I looked down
with blushing cheeks, to avoid his glance.
All my apprehensions and frisson
dissolved into oblivion.

My heart leaped out
thumping audibly in my chest…
As the 3 knots were tied
bonded with trust and love…
The 7 steps were trodden
around the flickering fire…
For I00 years of togetherness
and lifetime commitment…

Revolving around the flickering fire,
as he led me confidently,
I experienced an epiphany of marital bliss.

I offered a silent prayer—
“May this marriage last till eternity
I’ll treasure this permanent union
and vow to stand by my soul mate
during the various vicissitudes of life”

Rants of a single life

Being single is like a double-edged knife. Weighing its pros and cons, here's a self analysis post.

Single life : A bane?

Being single has a lots of negatives. Firstly life is very dry,dull and dab. I feel jealous of all my friends who are committed. They are always happy and keep smiling for no reason. I wonder if it has something to do with their boyfriends.

1)They excitedly run to their phones when it rings hoping it would be their bfs. While, I get annoyed and curse my mobile when it rings, only to disturb me.
They giggle to themselves reading sms's from their bfs and keep messaging very frequently, feeding their bfs with information of what they do every second.
"Hi hun! I just washd my face now. Wht's up wid u? Lotsa kisses. Muaaah."
They have an up-to-date knowledge of all network offers, like which network offers free sms's, free within network calls, 10 paise per minute calls, happy night free hours etc. They start getting worried if their mobile balance runs lower than Rs. 50. They go to the nearby grocery shop atleast twice a day for buying top-ups.
And me?
If I have balance in my phone, my roomies ask me if they can make calls with mine. I can't refuse also. So nowadays I don't bother to recharge.My balance even if it is at 20 paise, I heck don't give a damn.

2)One of my Bangalore friends is blessed with 2 boyfriends. A backdoor relationship. She says she can't remember what she said to each of them and gets confused often.
One day, her bf # 1, she and I went to Branded factory. When her bf was selecting an outfit, I saw he had the vote ink dot on his index finger. I asked him to which party he voted for. I have respect for people who use their vote franchise.
A week after that we went out with her bf # 2. While he was waving to us, I saw the vote dot on his finger too. I asked him the same question. My friend instantly blurted out, " How many times will you ask him?" He was bemused and said to her that it was the first time I was asking him. Their was a shock of realisation in her when she found him on the verge of getting doubt on her. Her bf # 2 is very suspicious. It was hard for me to control my laughter seeing them both. Then she regained, after he didn't seem to doubt anything. We both winked and found the whole thing funny later.

But the good thing is that she gets double of everything. Double gifts, double flowers, double love....

3)Remember the scene from 'jannat' where the girl stares into the window display of a ring. Emran walks into the showroom and breaks the window to get the ring for her.
Well, I stare at so many windows of so many showrooms at pretty much everything gloomily with a long face,unable to buy jewellery I like because I'm broke most of the times. I always wait for my Emran to come. Alas, there is no one to steal for me :(

4)On the way to my room, one night, I stopped at the grocery store to buy some items. Just then a boyishly handsome guy stepped into the shop. I only could stare at him with my jaw open. I was waiting for him to look my way. Maybe just one of my sharp killer looks will be sufficient to lay him. He didn't bother to look anywhere. He just walked into the shop, asked for airtel night balance recharge coupon, recharged his mobile and started speaking into his phone excitedly. My heart broke then into a 1ooo pieces! Surely he was already committed. That explains the night balance.

5) My friends choose spending time with their bfs rather than spending with me. Everyone in the hostel go out somewhere or the other with their lovers and I am left alone in the room :(

My roomie once was very generous to take me out along with her bf. So we went to Metropolis mall in threesome.
But I regretted going out with them. I was like a hurdle in their path for romance. They were searching for chances secretly for kissing etc etc, whenever I turned the other way. I felt very embarrassed and cheap to come along with them only to spoil the fun for them. Later in the elevator, they found a private space. They made an excuse that they needed to buy something. They made me wait down at the coffee shop. The guy offered to buy me a pastry so that I would be engaged while they go to the elevator to do their thing. I knew what trick was playing in their mind.I was so irritated at them to keep me waiting that I intentionally selected the most expensive pastry on the menu. My friend's bf just gulped and silently paid the bill and sat me down alone at the table. I was so sure that he scolded her gf that she brought me along. I was a pain in 'there' to them. But I got my revenge. Why bother to invite me when they wanted to spend intimate moments?

6) I went with 2 of my friends along with their bfs to Mc D. We girls were thirsty and hungry . We waited while the guys went to order for us.The guys got glasses of water and burgers for their respective girls but not for me. I realised I had to fetch water and food myself and joined the queue.

Single life : A boon?

1) I need not bother about what I wear. All my other friends, buy expensive branded clothes and dress up hours to impress their bfs. I pick up clothes from the streets and don't even bother to check into the mirror when I get ready.
At this point, I always have an argument with my friend. She disagrees with me and points out that singles need to take extra care for dressing to impress and lay a guy for entering into relationship.

2)My bank balance always grows. I don't spend money on cell phone bills, greeting cards, gifts, flowers etc. I buy for myself.

3) I need not remember important dates like the day of proposal, his birthday, the day of first kiss, the day of first.....

4) I live my life by my own rules. Nobody dominates me. Some of my friends have bossy bfs.

5) I have a pleasant night's sleep. Rest of my friends wake up all night, shaking away their sleep to call their lovers, using the night balance.

I still can't resolve my dilemma. Is it a bliss or a curse?

Skulls and skeletons

I wake up from the eternal sleep

staring into inky blackness.

Can't bear the stifling putrid stench

trapped in the stale stinking air.

Shock engulfed I sniff to realise

that it is me emanating the foul reeking odour.

I run my frail fingers

with long inches of dirty unclipped nails

beneath thousands of dainty unkempt braids,

my face hung slack, bloated and pale,

scarred and wounds untended,

the skin loosening and wilted from within,

gaunt eyes sunken into sockets,

bones, sinew and brawn exposed.

A bare perishing corpse is all I am now,

stripped off attire and aspirations,

shivering in the cold of the chilled stagnant air

embodied in filthy green moss and strings of cobwebs.

The organic remains of my body

mingling into clay and sand.

Bugs, worms and infesting viruses

crawling and creeping into my skin

and eating my insides.

My body might have aged, but did my soul?

Lying still and helpless in the lugubrious coffin,

brooding in impermeable onyx I reminisce,

digging into the glints of dwindling memories.

Vague flashes of images stream across

of how life once used to be--

I chased surreal dreams

But now, in the end they didn't even matter.

My dreams died unfulfilled

along with my mortal self.

My perennial soul refuses to cease existing.
Trapped in the decomposing dead body

windowless and numbed

to the perceptions of the outside world

unaware of the colours to see,

of music to hear, of textures to feel,

of savours to taste and aromas to smell.

I wriggle to be released, to rise up dead.

and break open the lid of the coffin

to realise my unfulfilled dreams.

But I don't find my spine and legs

All that I have is a rusted, crippled body

decaying little by little with a gordy odour.

The very blood that once coursed

through my iridescent veins
providing my every inch with life,
now clotted and caked,
turned a shade of stygian brown,

and froze in timeless age.

Residing in the murky dark hole of 6 feet coffin
I experience veiled in the
hollowed gravity of infernal hell,
that is sucking me into a pin-point hole.

Loneliness grips me,

tearing my already shredded self.

Pitch darkness consumes me ,
killing my already dead body.

My name now that nobody utters nor remembers,

is confined to the faded etchings of the tombstone marble.

'Rest in peace' it is engraved.

But regret, grief, sorrow return to claim

my life and peace even after my survival.

Neglected by loved ones who have forgotten me,

they pushed me into deepest corners of their memories.

I spend my time waiting for the reverberance of footsteps

of someone coming to offer me flowers.

Alas, the obliterated path to the graveyard is oblivious.

I feel pain but not the physical pain,

because I don't have a body anymore.

Not even the emotional pain

because I don't have a heart neither a mind.

It's rather an inexplicable crunching pain

radiating from where once my heart was

to the debilitated extremities.

I hear ghostly cries in the cemetery
of other spirits like me hauling

and pleading to be let out,
to seek revenge against those who live

unconcerned and indifferent to our deaths.

Rage gushing and spurting out my crumbled body

I break free of the corpse in resurrection

and join my brotherly souls and zombies.

Armed by axe and daggers in the spooky full-moon light...

we bellow together like a pack of wild hounds...

and vow to haunt and plague all the living...

and scare them to death.