What went wrong?

I couldn’t sleep last night, now that I know it is over between us. I was clinging onto a tiny hope till yesterday, that maybe things can become normal between us.The way they were meant to be. But if you want me to walk out of the door, I will happily do that. I still can’t make out what went wrong between us. Everything was so perfect. And you gave me a reason to live. I was so sure that you were the one for me. But suddenly…

I am not bitter anymore because I know what we had was for real. And if in some distant place in future, we see each other in our new lives, I will smile to you with joy and remember all the good time we spent with each other. We laughed, cried, loved, and above all we connected. You were the one with whom I could speak my mind with no inhibitions, without the fear of being judged. You were so approachable and understanding. We shared identical interests and you were the one with whom I could discuss leisurely on the couch about anything under the sun….our favourite football player, our favourite band or anything silly or serious. Life has become so tough without you.

I miss the jokes we cracked and laughed staying up all throughout the night, wishing the day would never come. I miss the endless marathon conversations we had in phone. I miss listening to you strumming the guitar for me and singing love songs.

Everything reminds me of you. Walking on the street I see our favourite fast food joint, our favourite movie theatre, the park we frequented. I see the penthouse with garden and picket fence we planned of buying and decorating the home of dreams. I see the big tree with blossoms under which we had our first kiss …which is now barren and stripped in the autumn. I see a kid with balloons and get reminded of how you would always bought balloons and kites for me. And how we ran to get my kite flying in the air which refused to go more than few feet from the ground. I could revisit my childhood with you. I see the lane on which you taught me to ride your bike. You were so protective that you would never let me go and ride on my own. You were always there to catch me if I fell. Where are you now?

I know you would intentionally lose in the game of basketball when we played together, even if you were on the winning side, just to see me happy.

The diamond ring that you gave when you proposed me, still adorns my finger. It was so sweet of you to spend all the money you were saving for buying your favourite sports bike for the ring instead.

Though you boast that you are so macho and never cry for anything at all, on that day I saw you shed tears, muffling your cries under the pillow, when I was critical in the hospital after meeting with an accident.

Did I tell you that I knew you substituted the dead goldfish in my aquarium with new ones? You knew I would be upset as those poor things died just because I didn’t know how to feed them right. You substituted them with new gold fish from the pet shop while I was sleeping, thinking that I would never discover the change.

Every Sunday we would go trekking so far that I would be so tired walking. You would carry me and I would snuggle cosily wishing to be nowhere else but here, surrounded by your gentle arms.

I see our old photo album everyday. Those moments captured when we had genuine smiles on our lips. We knew what happiness meant. It was so tangible and we owned it. For how long do I recall you from a still photo? Last night, I wanted to dream about you, but I couldn’t imagine your face. With passing days, your face seems strange to me. I am beginning to fear I will forget you. Your image and voice is fading from my mind. I am forgetting the pain you inflicted on me by deserting me suddenly. I don’t want my heart to heal from the pain you caused me. It is the only reminder of you that I have with me.

You never told me what went wrong. You didn’t give me a second chance to mend my mistake, if I ever did. No explanations…no answers…out of the blue you wanted me to walk out of your life. Just like that.

Walking on the street, I listen to a distant unfamiliar ringing sound. The resonance of laughter from a couple who are in new found love. The sound seems so alien and strange to me. I have forgotten to laugh. I see no reason in it. I am lost without you.

I want you to be happy with the life you’ve chosen for yourself. It hurts that I am not a part of it. I breathe you out of my heart and pray for the strength to stand strong without you in my life. I will always be grateful to you, for being my confidant, my friend, my lover, my soul mate. I wish you find someone better than me, who will keep you happy forever and will sustain your interest throughout.

I just have one small request.

Please don’t break her heart.

DISCLAIMER:  It is just a narrative interspersed with fiction and imagination but I have tried to write it in the first person perspective.