Thursday, September 23, 2010

Delusional Love

Please go away from my life. Since the moment I met you, I’ve been obsessed day and night about your thoughts. If I didn’t meet you, I would have been so sure about my future plans….going abroad and finding a new world and career that I always dreamt of. But then those career aspirations got replaced and gave way to your infatuated dreams from the day I met you. Suddenly you took priority over my career plans. I was so sure about my calling…about what I would do with my life. After you came my crystal clear goals vapourised into haze. My dream crashed headlong before it could take wings and soar high in the sky. I dropped my one and only chance of flying abroad and making my dreams true…but for what..? only for my love to be insulted and dismissed as a silly crush by you later. I waited in vain. You ridiculed the fervent love I possessed and said it would fade away. I stayed back, lost my chance and lost you too. A complete loser in life.

I call you, but you always reply that you are in traffic. We both know, that I know that you lied. Such a flimsy excuse? Nowadays you are not even bothering to devise clever excuses and that I would find out your excuses stupid and baseless. Even if I am hurt by your lies, it doesn’t matter to you anymore right? At first, whenever I called you, you would say that you could never be busy for me even if you were immersed in heaps of workload.

Whatever did I do wrong to lose you? Or did I ever have you to lose you?

I can’t blame you though. I am a no-one to you- no less than a faceless stranger. I know it is not right to pin hopes on a stranger. I know everything but still I pretend to be unaware of the obvious. It’s plain and simple. 4 straightforward words- ‘you don’t like me’ or better still are these 3 words ‘you hate me’ …but I want to turn a blind eye towards the conspicuous. I don’t want to acknowledge the truth and stay happy in the false world and castle of dreams I spin and weave of you. I want to hold onto the thought that everything is fine when it is not. I make myself believe that yes you are really stuck in traffic and keep waiting for you to call back which we both know would never come. Oh now maybe your network is busy or you ran out of balance…anything but the truth I say to myself to convince me than to accept the fact that you are avoiding me.

You may have your own reasons to avoid me. You may be right in not showing any interest towards me, but I will still be hooked on to you. Whatever happened to my self-respect? It is biting dust with everytime me wagging my tail like a desperate lovelorn puppy waiting for you to reciprocate.

When someone asks me if I am in relationship, I don’t know what to answer. Not that we are officially lovers but still I would be happy if I could confidently say about you. It leaves me sad when your name runs in my memory, it almost comes to my lips but I have to ultimately say ‘no’.

Aren’t you and me together? Tell me. I already know your reply. Reality hits hard. So I have built a virtual world where reality is obscured by delusional fantasies. I will satisfy myself with false expectations. I just can’t take no for an answer. It is too painful.

I can’t see my another dream crashing headlong like a flightless bird. It will take time for me to accept that is over. One fine day I might come into terms with reality. I will completely erase you from my memory and move on.

Until then…

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