Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Guardian angel

Inferno it was, dark and desolate
far removed, in the deserted underground

Faceless strangers were my friends
And were the only ones I relied upon

Buried in the hell, stifled I became...
Crawled towards the glimmer of light
A speck of hope at the very far end of the tunnel...

But couldn't see its direction, blinded that I was,
that eventually into the real world could liberate
from the shackles and boundaries of underground hell

Pleaded the passer-bys for guiding me to light
to the so-called friends of mine
Searched and screamed till my lungs ached
at the crest of my voice.
They refused to recognize me
labelled me as a stranger...

Pined for love, a touch ,a soothing word
Longed for a reassuring hand and for a 'real' friend

The friends I believed in, were far from me
Never could they hear me,
nor to my screams and cries of desperate help.

Screamed till I lost my voice.
Cried till my eyes were sore,
But never could they hear me...

Strings were suspended from above
And I was pulled towards the ray of light
Accustomed to darkness my eyes couldn't tolerate

the brightness of the outside world.
When I opened my eyes,
I was mesmerised to see the
beauty of the 'real ' world.
I was mesmerised to see her...

My saviour...

My guardian angel...

My best friend..

To Reeha- my best friend.For being my window into inspiration, joy and support when I was locked in a dungeon of utter hopeless moments and dejection.

Happy friendship day dear

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Discovering The Oasis Of Dreams

The sun emanated heat mercilessly that reflected from the vitreous sand of the desert.The vast expanse of barren terrain stretched in all four directions till the horizon.

The sky was bright reddish orange blazing like a furnace. I shielded my face and body from the roasting fire with my hands but there was no escape from the sun rays which pervaded ominously. There was no shade anywhere in sight. Not even one faint streak of green till my eyes could gaze.

I was wandering barefoot beyond and forth in search of my dream destination- the oasis of life.

My legs quivered with fatigue. My lips parched and throat dried with thirst. The intensity of the heat burnt me up firing and twinging my skin and sucked up water dehydrating me. It felt as if someone was poking my throat down till the chest with a fiery fork.

The air felt papery thin and light in the heat and couldn't fill my breath. I had to take gulps of it from my mouth too, and though how much ever I sucked in with my laborious breaths, I felt dizzy and light-headed.
The gust of wind baked my airways as I inhaled.There was a tinge of blanched redness that coloured my skin. My sandpaper tongue stuck to the dried pallet and teeth.

My feet seeped in the heaps of sand, and it was very tiresome striding in the sinking sand. The soles of my feet were blazing in fire.

My thoughts were muddled. I could see wild imagery of sparkling water of oasis dancing in front of my eyes.The oasis- my dream destination. It disappeared the next second and reappeared again.

I couldn't distinguish reality from visions and mirages played hide and seek with me every moment deceiving my perceptions and tricking my every step farther away into the deadness of the land.

I wanted to howl and cry but the tears never came from my dry eyes.

I wanted to scream at the crest of my voice but only faint shrills came from my dry throat.

My heart was slowing down, the beats now only faintly audible and weak. I fell face down on the sand.

But in my innate heart I was happy- happy that finally I could have made it to my destination of oasis if I wanted to.

But you know what...I didn't want to. I decided not to proceed towards that oasis to check whether it really existed or that my eyes were just deceiving me. Perhaps I was afraid to find out the truth. I was afraid to bear the heart breaking disappointment I would have to go through after learning that the dream destination which was a part-and-parcel of my night's dreams, was actually just as barren and dry like the rest of the desert.

May be it would not have been a desert.Possibilities are there that it could have been an oasis- an oasis of life, of hope, of fresh spring and greenery right in the heart of the dry lifeless desert.

Sure I would have missed a lot by deciding not to venture there and confirming my doubts. May be the oasis would have given me a new life, being a quenching answer for my parching thirst.

But what if it was just like the rest of the desert? All the dreams I have spun for six years, thinking that, 'yes one day I will find my oasis , and then I will no longer have to suffer the drudgery of the desert' would shatter like a thin pane of glass in split seconds. How could I live through my shattered dream?- the very dream which is making me live in the first place...

So my dream destination was just a stone's throw away from me and I died a happy death in the belief that I succeeded.I could have actually walked there and drank the water from the oasis and lived, but I decided otherwise.

It was better to die happy in a false faith that there existed my destination right there at my reach and I've succeeded in my journey...than to have had discovered that my laborious efforts had bit the dust and that my journey set out to find my dream destination never actually existed.

Some dreams are meant only to be dreamt. In reality there are quite different from the virtual images you've created. Don't make an effort to make them true. It would be shocking to discover the truth that they don't stand up to the fancy image you've painted. Better just be satisfied in your dreams.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Random thoughts -2

At this point of time I feel so insecure. The future is all bleak. I'm so scared about what tomorrow might bring to my life.

Is it wrong to dream and to wish? And it pinches so hard in the heart if the dreams don't come true. More so when you know you will suffocate doing something you don't like, being among people you connect to the least. And then there's something you love doing from all your heart, but the dream is almost impossible to achieve...

It wouldn't atleast hurt so bad if god didn't give the ability to imagine....the ability to dream.

But then again I think I can atleast be satisfied in my dreams momentarily...even though it is far-fetched from reality. It is my only hope...the only bright streak of light at the end of the dark tunnel.

Without dreams my life would be so boring , without any anticipation of what tomorrow would hold for me. I would lead my life, each day being the same as if I've already lived my entire life in this 20 years till the very end, just passing time to meet my end, seen everything already... my days without fun, pleasure and hope. What is the point of living such an uneventful monotonous life when each day is just the same?

Atleast in my wildest imagination, of which I have a control over, I can wish for my dreams to come true and spin a dreamy web of thoughts in my mind's eye and live with a hope that one day my life will become like how I want it to be. God might not fulfil my wishes, but he can't claim my dreams and imaginations right?

So I am happy I can atleast dream of a fun life. My dreams and wishes sustain me.They give me a chance to be everything I ever wanted to be, giving everything I ever wanted to have.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

From The Oops Files!

1) That day we were in pharmacology lab doing practicals on frogs. There were dusshera holidays from the next day and we all hostelers were excited to catch a bus and go home after a long time. But the frog experiments usually take a long time and extend even till night :(

No matter whatever excuses we would give to our lecturer to leave the lab early, he would flatly deny it.

My lecturer got engaged recently then. Disappointed that he was not allowing us to call it a day until we showed the results and that the last bus for the day would be leaving soon I thought of lying to him saying that I got engaged and my fiance was waiting outside the college for me. The fiance plan out of all because he was about to tie a wedlock in future and would better relate to my pining eagerness to meet the fiance. Clever , ain't I? Yeah, thank you thank you I know I had a very witty plan !

Oh well, he gave special permission just for me to leave early and boy I was so excited to go home and eat food meant for humans after so many months!

Now no brownie points for guessing this:-

I forgot about that petty lie, but he remembered it so well even after 6 months. During the parent-teachers meet, before my dad he said, "So Aparna, I couldn't get to meet your fiance that day. When are you getting married?"


My dad was shocked!

2) There was just 1 week left for 10th boards and my parents made sure that I literally lived an infernal life. They put a lot of pressure on me and imposed so many restrictions-- no T.V, no internet, no reading novels and comics, no meeting with friends, no text messaging friends etc. I would get punishments from my mom if I didn't stick to the study schedule she designed for me(sigh!).

My parents would visit the temple and pray that I perform well, every evening before exams. They would hide the T.V remote. But little did they know that clever Aparna just knows the secret place too well where mom usually hides things- in the kitchen rack! I had a hell good time watching TV whenever my parents went out.

One fateful evening when they went out, I dozed off on the couch with the TV switched on.

My parents returned from the temple and caught me red-handed.


My mom was very cross at me. It is my belief that if she wishes me 'all the best' before the exam I will fare well. I broke rules and the next day she didn't wish me for the exam and till today I attribute my poor marks in maths for her not wishing me rather than my watching T.V before the exam.

3) It was 10 in the night and the mess food was unpalatable, so we thought of eating out. My friend and I, dressed up well, like hot chicks and thought to have a good time at a posh restaurant. We spent extra time in getting ready and looking good.

Even the waiters at the fast food joint were so handsome!

The smart cashier at the cash counter caught my interest and I had an instant crush on him. We went to him and asked for the menu. My friend spent a lot of time in deciding the order, and I was devising ways to approach him for a small talk. Finally my friend ordered so many dishes for us. Boy were we very hungry! He took the order and asked to pay Rs.700.

Me: Ya, what are you looking at? Open your purse...

Her: What!!?? I thought you brought it along with you!


We were clueless as to what to do next. I had a doubt whether my friend dropped the purse on the way cash and credit card and hers were in it. She is very forgetful. On top of it, this waiter who once felt smart and cute to me, didn't let us go and started demanding money in a harsh way that he can't cancel the order once it is entered in his computer.

It was so embarrassing and everyone were staring at us. We argued with him that he has to respect customers. We just blurted out whatever came to our minds, without thinking and the trick was to shout louder than him, at the crest of our voices to silence him. Finally we won as it was two voices against one and he let us go. I went pink with embarrassment as I didn't encounter such an incident that too in an up-society food joint and on top of that my crush insulted me! :(

We went back to our hostel without eating, and by the time we reached, the mess food was also finished. I slept on an empty stomach and with a broken heart :(

4) Once I and my friend returned very late to the hostel after shopping. We have strict rules that by 10' o clock the doors would be closed. It was 11.30 P.M. While we were in the shop we were unbothered about it, thinking we will plead warden and somehow get in. But we didn't have the guts to confront her while we stood at the gates. She would make a fuss by informing parents and impose restrictions for going out. It was a cold winter day and we were freezing outside. I wanted nothing more than sleeping on my cozy bed right then.

We finally decided to jump the tall and majestic gate. The gate keeper was away and we had to do it quick.I left my shoes and the shopping bags down and with my athletic skills climbed the gate and jumped to the other side. My friend threw my bags and shoes over the gate to me. She followed suit and left her stuff and shoes and climbed off the gate. With much difficulty, and scratches here and there and with a torn off dress she managed to climb to the other side of the gate, but then she realized that she did a stupid thing and there was no one to throw her shoes and bags to us.

We didn't have the strength to climb again and recover the bags also. So we silently crept to our beds and thought to take her stuff the next morning. But the next day her stuff went missing.


All her expensive dresses and books she purchased and her shoes....just went poof!

We couldn't complain to our warden also because with that she would know that we jumped the hostel gates which was according to her the biggest crime.

5) My dad brought 3 tooth brushes. Red for me, blue for my sister and yellow for my mother.

One day I went to the wash room and noticed that my tooth brush was wet even before I used it. I had a doubt that my sister got confused and used mine, so I went to ask her.

Me: Sis, did you use the red tooth brush? That is mine. Yours is blue or something right?
Sister: What? No...all these days I've been using red. Yours is yellow... I am sure.


My mom: What!!?? Red is mine!! I've been using it all these days. You girls got confused.


6) Once I was very angry on my sister for some reason. I wanted to take revenge on her. I added salt in her home delivered favourite veg sandwich which she ordered

The next day, at school's lunch break, being hungry I opened my lunch box. My heart sank after I ate a salty sandwich and spitted it out! I realized my mom being unwell couldn't cook anything and packed the same salty sandwich for my lunch.


7) My cousin used to not allow me into my washroom.I was a kid then. She would store lots of expensive lotions and beauty products in the wash room cupboard. One day I sneaked in while she was away. I took some products and kept them hidden, tied in a towel. Congratulating myself on my small victory I went to the terrace and applied the cream on my face. Very happy with myself I was about to hide them under the staircase.Just then I bumped into my cousin coming down the steps and the lotions from the towel fell down right in front of her !


It seems there were creams for eczema!!


8) It was August-time for juniors to join college. We were final year students then and went to rag some new-looking timid faces and take a pay back because we too were ragged by our seniors. The tradition and legacy has to continue right?

We told one girl to count the number of coconut trees in the campus and give us the answer in half-an-hour.

She turned out to be M.pharm first year....that means she was our senior!!


I counted 43 coconut trees in half-an-hour :(

9) As I am very kind, I decided to give proxy to my friend who bunked the class to catch up with a new flick. My absent friend got attendance that day.

When my number was called, the lecturer noticed me answering the roll-call twice


He told me to butt out of the class and marked me absent :(

Monday, July 5, 2010

The cauliflower thieves

I along with my mom, cousin and her family went to visit a Shiva temple in the outskirts of Bangalore. The countryside was so picturesque with lush green fields fresh with bountiful produce of vegetables and flowers. It was like a scene right out of farmville, only that this was for real.

We prayed fervently to God to bestow upon us virtues and keep us healthy, happy and prosperous. I went to the extent of writing series of letters full of demands and wish-list, folded it and kept it in God's chamber so that he will read it later and grant my wishes:)

The shiva idol was so majestic and divine that it commanded full faith and devotion even from me who usually claims to be an agnostic. He mesmerised me with his charisma.

After visiting the deity, we were walking along the fields towards our car. The fresh and voluminous cauliflowers on the field tempted us. The farmer was away and there was no one in sight so that we could buy them right from the field.

All our prayers to God to confer us with pure thoughts and behaviour went futile and we shamelessly pounced on the fields and plucked two cauliflowers...that too after visiting a pious temple to erase away our sins.

We all worked like a team of skillful and expert robbers. I and my cousin plucked cauliflowers from the wet soil, my mother took it from us and removed the leaves and roots, my uncle wiped away the soil, and my aunt kept the car doors open and pushed us inside as soon as the work was done and drove away so that we could escape fast.

We thought the next time we would come by these fields we should keep a knife handy in the car to cut and uproot vegetables easily and bring along lots of bags and later sell them at double the price in markets. At this rate we team of expert thieves can loot even a bank ! It is sad that right now we are just cauliflower thieves.

I am sure right now you must be cursing us and thinking that it is because of unscrupulous people like us farmers are suffering losses and committing suicides. But hey it was just two cauliflowers !

Maybe by the next time we go there, the farmer would be extra vigilant, and construct electric fences, laser alarms and sirens !

We were so thrilled with our shameless little adventure that it gave us a kick and we kept pitying and cracking jokes on the poor farmer. As this is off-season, they would have costed atleast Rs.20 each. Ya ya...I know all the hype just for such a small amount, but we were just beginners rehearsing before we can construct a master plan to rob a bank.

The aloo-gobi sabji my mom made with the stolen cauliflowers was extra delicious I tell you.

This petty theft of us reminded my uncle so many such naughty incidents that happened in his childhood. He narrated one such incident and our small theft seemed nothing in front of his crafty mischief.

My uncle in his childhood was so naughty and clever. He would offer help to his neighbour, an old lady, for plucking mangoes by climbing the tree. She would be very grateful for his offer. My uncle would actually throw more mangoes when that old lady looked away into the hay stack hidden at the other side of the wall than rightfully throw into the basket meant for her. She would wonder why there were so many mangoes hanging on the tree but only few of them in the basket :P

So finally I had a lot of fun time with my cousin and her family in Bangalore. We laughed at the cauliflower theft for half a day. Maybe that was what made the trip to the temple more special and memorable. Otherwise it would be just a normal visit to the temple.

On the way we found jasmine fields also. We bought them rightfully from the field by paying the farmer , so it isn't as thrilling as stealing cauliflowers.

I will make a garland out of those jasmine flowers and offer it to the Shiva deity next time I go to that temple and ask him to overlook and forgive my petty sin of theft :)

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Dreams on fire

The love letters scented in musk we wrote
the dried petals of the roses you left every mornin
the love poems and lyrics we composed

the gifts,our photos,those greetings

the wonderful times we spent together
, those abstract memories
the pages of my diary I filled about you every night......

You walked out of my life

without for once glancing back

But left these lingering traces
haunting and claiming my sanity

When I came to know

there is no more 'us
But just you and me
gone in bifurcating ways

I decided to put an end to your memories
and sacrifice these reminders in the flames of fire

Years it took for me to nurture my dreams of love
but just a blink of an eye

for the incinerating fire to melt them into liquid dreams

Devoured the flames callously

Wiped them out from the chronicles of time

Undid the moments, erased out the memories

Scorched and scalded bits of paper

were all that was left of your love lette
Scarred and charred useless trash became all other gifts

For one last time before I could touch and feel the ashes
the cruel breeze blew off the ignited flakes of ash,
disseminated them here-and-there

With a sigh and a phew

When it is all done

I look into the mirror...

But it is not me who I see

Alas I never can forget you!

Incapable the fire was to burn the bonds which bound me to you

left those memories and scenes unblemished, untouched

I still see you...

your kiss...

your touch...

your love...
which warms my pulsating heart

gushing blood through veins

vitalizing every inch of my body

The record of every minute I spent with you,

is imprinted intricately in my
The past moments span in front of my eyes

playing in detail as if everything is happening right now


my heart contains love for you, swelling bountifully
my eyes refuse to vaporise your image locked in forever

my ears shamelessly long to hear you whisper my name

The brunt of your love which poisoned my body and soul

by burning the material traces will not be that easily obliterated

If your love is inseparable and a part-and parcel of my existence....
If I am your most striking remaining trace...
If you still exist in every drop of my sanguine blood
If the passion of love burning in me can never be dampened....
If our souls are one intertwined for eternity that refuse to be apart

Then how can I not set myself ablaze to truly forget you?

How can I not end my existence to put an end to your memories?

How can I not set myself ablaze to truly forget you??

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